Infestation IX / Words Left Unsaid

“I’m back. Did anything happen while I was gone?”

I sighed. “You were in the bathroom for all of five minutes. What do you think?”

“Real tough words from the guy who keeps getting himself hurt,” Shina fired back. “How many times has it been now?”

“… What level of injury qualifies here?”

“Exactly. Save the complaints until you’re out of the infirmary,” she said, returning to the chair she’d made into a semi-permanent home over the last two days.

Her incessant worrying was irritating at times, but I couldn’t pretend like I didn’t appreciate it. Having someone to pester you nonstop was a fate far kinder than having no one at all. Plus, as much as I hated to admit it, her concerns weren’t entirely unfounded; I’d become something of a trouble magnet ever since arriving in this world.

Feeling thirsty as I mused to myself, I reached for a glass of water on the nightstand next to the bed I was resting in.

“What are you doing!?”

Without warning, Shina pounced on top of me, grabbing my outstretched arm and pulling it back.

“W-what the hell are you doing? I just wanted some water!”

“Ask me to help you then.” Despite the asinine request, she sounded weirdly adamant.

“You know, Shina, I think I’m a big enough boy to drink from a glass all by myself.”

I take it back. The pestering is worse!

“That’s not what I mean, obviously. This is your hurt arm. You shouldn’t be using it,” she scolded.

“You were there when Professor Estor healed me up. Relax.”

Although my shoulder was still bandaged up, the wound hadn’t reopened once since it was magically restored. Compared to the back laceration I’d received in the prior fight, this was nothing.

“Besides,” I continued, “the damage you just did by yanking my arm had to have been a hundred times worse than what picking up the glass would’ve done.”

“Think of it as a punishment to discourage this kind of behavior in the future.”

What a terrible excuse!

For some reason, she had yet to let go of my arm, and she was practically straddling my torso.

“G-get off me. You do realize what this would look like to someone walking in, right?” I hissed.

Shina, her face suddenly bursting into a shade of crimson, promptly scrambled off my body and retreated to her seat. She looked more ashamed than embarrassed, so I felt a little bad.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have worded it like that.”

“No, you weren’t wrong,” she said, her voice toned down from how lively it had been a moment ago. “I’m sorry for acting all overprotective and crazy. I’m just… really worried about you, and I’ve never taken care of someone that wasn’t family before, so I don’t always know when I’m taking things too far.”

I reached out—with my “good” arm—and patted her on the head. “You definitely are acting a bit crazy, but still, thanks. I appreciate it.”

I’ll never find the words to articulate just how much it means to me.

“On that note, it’s probably time for you to head back to your room. It’s getting late,” I told her.

She shook her head vehemently. “What if you need something in the morning?”

I sighed. Even when she’s aware her behavior is ridiculous, she can’t bring herself to stop, huh?

“Fine, whatever. But tonight’s the last time, okay?”

…

“Shina?”

In the blink of an eye, her breathing had grown soft and rhythmic.

How does she do that!? I’d never be able to relax so quickly…

I stood and lifted a blanket from the bed, draping it over Shina’s shoulders. Sleeping upright probably wasn’t good for her, so this was the least I could do.

“Goodnight, Shina.”

Click.

My head shot toward the infirmary room’s door, which suddenly cracked open an inch. At first, I couldn’t make out the figure gazing back at me, but after a moment…

“Mara?”

… I realized it was the last person I’d expected.

“You look a little busy, so I’ll come back later,” she mumbled.

Click.

“W-wait!” I called louder than I should’ve given the slumbering body to my side, but that heavy sleeper didn’t budge at inch at the noise.

A second passed, then two.

Click.

“Sorry to bother you. I kind of assumed you’d be alone.”

Mara and I hadn’t spoken since our altercation in Professor Seris’s office. I was shocked she came to visit me, but even Fleur had stopped by once to check in, so maybe I shouldn’t have doubted her. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to talk to her, but I was too tired to put up much of a guard.

A few months ago, I never would’ve let myself be this defenseless, no matter who was on the other side of that door. Things really have changed since then, huh.

I sat down on the bed. “Feel free to come in. Shina won’t wake up unless you give her a good shake, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Mara hesitated but, after a few seconds of indecision, acquiesced. She gingerly stepped inside and closed the door behind her, though she chose not to advance any further.

“I already checked in with Kerne, and I felt like I owed it to you, too. Even if I wanted to keep it a secret, I did play a part in your investigation, and that makes me partially responsible for all of this.”

I shook my head. “That trap wasn’t even meant for me; I just kind of stumbled into it. You’re definitely not to blame.”

She sighed and crossed her arms. “You shouldn’t try so hard to make everyone feel better all the time. It’s not healthy for you or them.” Though her words were critical, they lacked a harsh edge. “It’s none of our faults that that lunatic tried to murder you, but we should all take a sliver of accountability for our general dumbassery.”

I quietly laughed, amused by her crass yet sincere phrasing. “I guess you’re not wrong.”

“So?” she asked. “You feeling alright? I can’t tell if the fact that you have a personal nurse here is a good or bad sign.” She tilted her head toward Shina.

Now it was my turn to sigh. “I’m fine. The exhaustion was worse than the wound, anyway. She’s just a worrywart.”

“I heard it was… rough on you when you found his body in that condition. How’s your head doing?”

“It’s better now.” The image flashed back into my mind again, but I shook it away. “I’m just glad a professor found us before Kerne or Anita had to see that. Raplin was a stranger to me, but despite what he did, they both cared about him.”

“Tsk. There you go again, worrying about other people instead of yourself. It’s good to be a little selfish, once in a while. It’s no wonder Shina feels like she has to watch you nonstop.” She echoed the sentiment of our earlier conflict, though she spoke far softer than on that occasion.

She spun on her heel, having said her piece. “Alright. See you in class then, and be careful.”

Curt, but caring. She was the same as always. Our relationship was never close, but she seemed ready to return to how things used to be between us.

I knew I should be okay with that too. I shouldn’t ask for anything more.

And yet, when I recalled the look of suffering on her face that day, I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave things like this.

“Wait,” I said, and she turned back around at my request.

I had lived most of my life assuming any animosity directed my way was indicative of a deep-rooted hatred toward me. Naturally, that applied to Mara too.

Even when she had screamed at me in that office, I assumed it had to have been my fault. After all, who else would she be angry with?

But if I get over my assumptions and my fears, and I actually think about her words and the emotions they carried… she was never really speaking to me in the first place, was she?

“… You’re mad at Leon, right? For leaving you behind.”

Her eyes widened at the accusation.

“It took me a long time to realize, but in retrospect, you weren’t that subtle about it. Anytime it seemed like you were mad at me, you’d compare me to him or the way he used to act. I never understood why you cared so much, but that would explain it.”

Mara seemed stunned, and she remained unresponsive.

“Sorry if that was too personal, or if I’m completely off the mark. It’s just—” The words caught in my throat as I noticed the tears streaming down her face. “A-are you okay?”

She failed repeatedly to swipe away the wetness pouring out from her eyes, looking as surprised as I was about their presence.

“Sor—” I started on instinct, but her voice cut me off.

“Don’t apologize. I’m sorry. You didn’t ask for any of this, and I’m the only one who can’t seem to move on.” As she spoke through sniffles, she clenched one of her hands into a fist, continuing to wipe her face with the other. “You didn’t deserve any of the shit I kept hurling at you. I just… every time I looked at you… I knew you weren’t him, but still, I was so, so angry at him. Why did he have to die? Why did he feel the need to die so the rest of us could live? And why the hell did I have to fall in love with someone who’d do something so selfless and stupid!? It’s maddening!”

Mara had completely lost her cool, but I wanted her to be able to pour her heart out, even if her words could never reach the person they were meant for.

No one deserved to feel alone. So even if I could never replace Leon, I could do this much.

Despite her ceaseless tears, she pressed on. “I couldn’t help but feel angry. Angry at him, and angry at your existence. Fate was already cruel enough to murder him, so why wouldn’t it set me free? Why do I have to be constantly reminded of him, again and again? He’s dead. He’s gone. I know that. But how am I supposed to move on when I can never escape his face, his voice, or even that infuriating sense of heroism that got him killed in the first place!?”

For how furious she claimed to be, it was regret, rather than rage, that marked her tone. Regret at the things left unsaid, at the choices left unmade, at the feelings left unexpressed.

“Why? Why? Why? Why…?”

I remained mute through it all, accepting and understanding her pain, until her outpouring of raw emotions wore her thin, and silence descended upon us once more.

“…”

“…”

“You know, it’s embarrassing if you don’t say anything,” she mumbled. “But it would probably be even more mortifying if you did, so keep it that way. I can’t believe this. Did I really just dump all of that onto you…?”

As much as I wished my lack of reply was out of respect, the truth was I had no idea what to say.

“Thanks. I think it helped to finally offload my feelings, just a little.”

“I don’t know if I deserve any thanks,” I said, “but I’m glad I was able to reach out to you, and that you were willing to take my hand.”

“Sheesh.” She smiled, her face stained by tears. “At least Leon never said anything that cheesy. You might be similar in some ways, but you really are different at the end of the day.”

The tense mood was killing me, so I risked cracking a small joke. “Damn, and here I thought we were basically the same guy. Does that mean your crush won’t transfer to me, then?”

To my relief, she took it well. “In your dreams, dumbass. I’m not some kind of skank trying to steal you from Shina. She obviously claimed you first.”

“She didn’t ‘claim’ me. Plus, we’re not like that.”

“You never know when something could happen. You’d better get ‘like that’ before it’s too late,” she replied with a huff. “But don’t worry. I’ll try to make sure nothing does. If you insist on being reckless, that just means I’ll have to watch your back even harder.”

“I appreciate the offer, but you don’t have to do that. If I put myself in danger, that’s on me.”

“It’s not just for your sake. It’s also for her. I may have lost Leon,” she said, turning away from me and opening the door, “but I’ll make sure she doesn’t lose you. Night.”

In one swift motion, she slipped out of the room and shut the door behind her, leaving Shina and I alone once more.