Boob-Based decision making

I woke up to the smell of grilled meat and pipe smoke.

Wait a second… we don’t even own a stove.

I bolted upright on my futon, hand instinctively going to the dagger by my pillow.

There, sitting casually at our tiny kitchen table like he’d always lived here, was none other than Old Man Velo—blacksmith, grump, and part-time ninja, apparently.

“…How did you get in?” I croaked, half-asleep, half-ready to yeet a spoon.

“Back window,” he said without shame, chewing on a piece of beast jerky. “You left it unlocked. Again.”

Luffy growled lowly from under the table.

Good boy.

Lyssa wandered out of her room wearing a wrinkled hoodie that read: God Offline. Try Again Later.

Hair unbrushed. Eyes half-lidded. She looked… almost mortal. It was jarring.

“I didn’t make breakfast,” she mumbled, squinting at Velo. “Why is the blacksmith in our house?”

“You’ve got a visitor,” I said, gesturing weakly.

Velo wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his smithing apron. “Came to talk. Changed my mind about sending you straight to Master Grahn.”

I blinked. “What changed it?”

He lit his pipe. “That magic blast yesterday.”

So he did see it.

“You’re not just attracting monsters anymore, Ren. Someone’s got their sights on your team—and they’re strong.”

Lyssa tensed behind me.

“Slime boss was almost the end of you. That mystery caster saved your butts.”

“Still don’t know who she is,” I lied. Badly.

Velo raised an eyebrow, but didn’t press.

“Either way,” he continued, “you need more support. I’m talking about a proper third party member. Someone with skills, flexibility, backup spells, or just a big stick.”

Lyssa rolled her eyes. “Let me guess. You want us to adopt a noob and train them with the power of friendship?”

Velo smirked. “I want you to not die in the next few weeks.”

He handed me a flier. Already written. Already posted fee paid.

Party Recruitment Notice

Seeking 3rd party member: Must be brave, capable, and not too weird. Experience preferred.

Perks include Luffy’s loyalty, group bathhouse discounts, and unlimited divine sarcasm.

“I’m not doing this,” I muttered.

“You’re doing this,” Lyssa muttered.

We both looked at Luffy. He was already pawing at the basket Velo brought.

The flyer said: ‘Ren’s Muffin Motivation Pack’

Damn it. We were doing this.

We headed to the guild to check the notice board.

The beautiful elf receptionist was waiting at the counter as usual, filing papers with the elegance of a soap opera villainess.

“Ah, Chaos Duo,” she said. “Looking for a third to complete your disaster triangle?”

“We’re recruiting,” I said with a straight face. “Professionally.”

She glanced at the flyer pinned to the board. “You spelled ‘weird’ wrong. Twice.”

“Style choice,” I said.

We hadn’t even waited five minutes before someone approached.

A girl.

Glasses. Long black twin-buns. Modest robe (which still managed to hug a not-so-modest chest).

And a radiant, unblinking smile like she’d just seen the sunrise—and wanted to marry it.

She held up the flyer. “I’d like to apply!”

I blinked.

Lyssa choked on her drink.

“No,” Lyssa said immediately. “Absolutely not.”

The girl turned to her. “Lyssy! It’s me!”

“I know who you are!” Lyssa snapped, backing up instinctively.

I leaned over. “This is…?”

“Naomi,” Lyssa whispered, pinching her nose. “Top of my class. Queen of obsessive note-taking. Wrote my name on her lunch every day even when we weren’t sitting together.”

Naomi clutched her hands together. “It’s true! We were inseparable—spiritually!”

“You sat behind me. Quietly. For three centuries.”

Naomi giggled. “Silently loving you. Details.”

I coughed. “Well, she did save us yesterday. She’s also very cute. I think she’s a great addition”

Lyssa glared at me. “She also stalked me across dimensions like a divine fangirl with boundary issues. The only reason you want her to join is because of her giant boobs!”

“Well we were kinda missing something in the party, and you weren’t providing it with your flat chest”

“You idiot I’ll kill you Ren!”

Lyssa kicked me in my head and I ended up landing face first onto the floor. I was hoping I landed face first onto Naomi’s chest but life sometimes doesn’t go as planned.

During the commotion Naomi reached into her bag and pulled out—matching capes.

“One for Ren, one for Lyssa, and one for Luffy! I even embroidered his name in celestial thread!”

“Not only did she come with an amazing rack but she also brought us some style!”

Luffy barked excitedly.

“Betrayal, and shut up Ren” Lyssa hissed.

Naomi spun in place and presented me with a small thermos. “I made you cinnamon tea~ It pairs well with your muffin motivation basket.”

It did smell amazing.

“Okay,” I said slowly, “hear me out. She’s talented, clearly cares about the team, has spellcasting ability, and… you know…”

“You’re just staring at her boobs.”

“They have… potential,” I said professionally.

The elf receptionist coughed politely behind us.

“If you’re done with this telenovela,” she said, “guild protocol says you’ll need to submit a trial quest with her before it’s official.”

Naomi squealed. “Yay! Our first date—I mean—mission!”

Lyssa groaned so hard it echoed.

Against our NEET Goddess wishes Naomi joined us because she had amazing potential to be a strong adversary and definitely not so maybe I can cop a feel at those luxurious tiddies, although if it happens by accident then there’s nothing I could do!

Back home, Naomi unpacked. Which was impressive because we never said she could move in.

“I brought my own tea shelf, a cauldron, and emotional support mana crystals,” she explained cheerfully, organizing everything like a speedrunner.

“I’m sleeping with Luffy,” Lyssa announced. “He’s the only one I trust.”

Luffy wagged his tail.

Naomi beamed. “I don’t mind the floor! It builds character. And I’ve already warded the perimeter against rival goddesses!”

“Nonsense Naomi, you take my room and I’ll sleep on the couch unless you don’t mind me joining you in bed—,” I muttered.

Lyssa kicked me in my head again and I landed face down onto the floor. Today it seemed like I was getting a closer relationship with the floor than I wanted.

As the day wound down, we sat in a rough circle: me, Lyssa, Naomi, and Luffy curled between us.

“So,” I said, holding up a tea cup, “to new beginnings?”

“To strategic party compositions,” Naomi chimed.

“To regret,” Lyssa deadpanned.

We clinked cups anyway.

And somewhere in the forest, far from our campfire light… the goddess of trouble smiled.

[Party Member Added!]

Naomi the Devoted

Class: Mage/Healer

Special Traits: Obsession, Ward Casting, Divine Tea Brewing

Passive Ability: +5 to Party Morale (Except Lyssa)

Luffy barked once.

And I knew we were officially doomed.