Quest, Tension, and Tiddies

The morning began with the soft chiming of bells.

Not church bells.

Not quest alert bells.

No—Naomi’s bells.

“Rise and shine, brave adventurers~!”

I peeled open one eye. The ceiling beams above me swirled in a dreamlike haze. My body refused to move, and my soul begged for another hour of sleep.

It was far too early for this nonsense and I was too tired to deal with this but we had to go on a quest.

Lyssa groaned from the opposite side of the room, buried under a pillow fortress. Even Luffy, only responded with a weak grunt from inside his blanket cocoon.

“I made breakfast,” Naomi sang from the kitchen. “Focus crystal tea, mana-charged fruit muffins, and love.”

I muttered into my pillow, “I liked it better when we were poor.”

At the Adventurer’s Guild

The elf receptionist gave us her usual smirk the moment we entered.

“So, the infamous duo has become a trio,” she said without looking up from her stack of parchment.

“Don’t encourage her,” Lyssa muttered, arms crossed, hoodie half-zipped.

“Today’s trial quest is a simple escort,” the elf continued. “You’ll be guiding a merchant caravan through Slime Ridge.”

I froze. “Slime Ridge again? Are you serious?”

“Guild protocol. Trial parties must retrace previous paths to measure improvement. Don’t worry pervert boy, there will only be low level slimes there it should be easy since your guild has leveled up and gotten more used to battles.”

“I feel attacked. Maybe I could get a date for all my troubles”

Lyssa sighed. “I am attacked. Emotionally. I can’t actually believe Ren let Naomi join us and now we have to escort a merchant as well. How long will this journey take?”

“Well if you guys don’t run into any unexpected trouble it should take you around 4 days,Maybe you can also use this to level up your stats and rank up as well" My future elf wife said

Naomi, meanwhile, clapped her hands together and beamed.

“I’ll protect us! And maybe… get closer to my precious Lyssy in the process!”

Lyssa’s right eye twitched. “This is a mistake.”

We headed to the city gates after the guild to meet our merchant, prepared with our battle gear if you could even call it that and our fear invoking fluffy familiar.

We met our assigned merchant at the city gates, just past the boar jerky stall and a suspiciously well-dressed beggar who always beat me at dice and won a lot of copper from me. He was adjusting the reins of his overloaded carriage when he noticed us approaching.

“Ah, you must be the escorts!” he called out, waving a gloved hand. “Splendid! On time and armed with a pet, I see.”

“ Well sir he’s not just my pet he’s my familiar!”

“Familiar? You don’t say well what a Oddball crew I found myself with this will surely be a memorable journey”

The man was tall, thin, with a white beard and long white hair. He wore a wide-brimmed hat tilted at a rakish angle, a patchwork cloak stitched from dozens of guild colors, and a smile that screamed “I swear this isn’t counterfeit.”

“I’m Vanni,” he said with a bow, “trader of rare goods, fine spices, obscure tomes, and mildly cursed jewelry. Brother to Velo the Wandering Oddity.”

“Wait,” I blinked. “Old Man Velo? The crazy one who sent us on that mushroom death quest? What kinda plot is this? Who's the idiot writing my isekai adventure? Are you also the type to mysteriously show up at people’s houses unannounced?”

“Ah, that sounds like Velo,” Vanni chuckled. “He has a way of making customers work for their goods. Unlike him, I believe in honest business and less fungal violence.”

Naomi clapped her hands. “Your cloak is so colorful! Does it grant any magical stats?”

Vanni leaned in conspiratorially. “It grants me +20 to sales pitch and +5 to dodging taxes.”

Lyssa groaned. “This is going to be a long trip.”

Luffy barked and walked up to Vanni then started licking his hand after Vanni petted him.

“He seems to have taken a licking to you unless you had some left over beef jerky or cheese omg your hands”

“I don’t have any leftover food, don't worry I’m just good with animals, what a cute and strange little creature you have here. Protect him at all cost”

Vanni hopped up onto the front bench of his carriage. “To Slime Ridge, my brave companions! Protect me well, and perhaps I’ll offer a discount on my Limited Edition Mana-Infused weapons!”

“Maybe if you can give us a discount on some ale we can be in business” Lyssa muttered

“I’ll see what I can do” Vanni chuckled

Luffy barked, which either meant “Let’s go!” or “He smells like cheese.”

Probably both.

And so, with a merchant of questionable motives, a stalker healer, a jealous goddess, and a tiny dog with a superiority complex, we departed the gates once again.

Slime Ridge. The very name brought back memories of barely dodging acidic projectiles and watching Luffy get launched like a furry baseball.

This time, though, we were prepared at least I thought. I was stupidly hopeful but knowing how my party members get along I should prepare for the worst.

Out of nowhere a slime lunged at us while we were on the way.

Naomi didn’t just scream and panic. She obliterated the slime, casting a radiant holy beam that incinerated the creature mid-leap.

“What… the hell was that?” I asked, shielding my face from the afterglow.

Naomi giggled. “Oopsie~ I overcast. Hope I didn’t accidentally save us.”

“She’s showing off, and she’s trying to get under my skin” Lyssa muttered, gripping her staff a little tighter.

Luffy, being Luffy, simply bit a slime in half and rolled in the remains like it was a victory celebration.

With Naomi’s surprisingly competent support magic, we pushed through. Slime Ridge had evolved. New types of slimes appeared. Elemental ones. A few with armor. One even mimicked me for a moment, which was deeply unsettling.

Somehow, the three of us had found a rhythm. We managed to destroy around 50 slimes.

Until nightfall came and it was time to rest. Vanni was kind enough to bring some tents for us and sleeping bags as well as food.

A fire crackled softly. I was tending to skewers of beast meat Vanni gave us when Naomi crept beside me, once again very close.

Too close.

She rested her head gently on my shoulder, pretending to admire the fire.

“You were really amazing today, Ren,” she whispered. “So brave. So reliable. You protected us all.”

I panicked and thought to myself What’s going on here? We’re things finally starting to turn around for me? I was hoping more of a “ You were so amazing and Ren please reward yourself with a feel” and I would’ve responded with “ Well if you don’t mind thank you for the reward our wonderful healer and mage” The gods of my manhood were finally looking out for me.

Although instead of sounding cool and staying calm and composed as soon as Naomi’s boob touched my arm I panicked.

“Ren are you okay? Your nose is bleeding”

“I’m amazing Naomi better than ever” I muttered with a bloody nose and a face that said pure bliss

“You’re relatable.” She smiled and said as she took a handkerchief and wiped my nose “That’s a rare trait in a party leader.”

On cue, Lyssa returned from scouting the perimeter. The moment her eyes landed on us, she froze.

Naomi smiled brighter. “Welcome back, Lyssy. I saved you a skewer~”

Before Naomi could finish her full sentence lyssa had already kicked me in the face. Now my face went from pure bliss to a foot imprint with a bloody nose.

“I hope you choke on it.”

She sat across from us with enough tension in her posture to snap a bowstring.

We sat like that for a while—me, I was enjoying this two goddesses, jealous over me, life couldn’t be better and oblivious affection; Luffy, gnawing on a bone like he was watching theater.

“Ren no one is jealous over you idiot!”

“How did you even know what I was thinking I didn’t say anything” I said

“You’re simple minded enough and I’ve been with you long enough that I can tell what goes in that dumb brain of yours” lyssa said with a facial expression that screamed “ I know you better than you know yourself”

Then Naomi struck again.

She pulled out a thermos. “Ren-kun~ I made you cinnamon tea. I steeped it with my custom mix. It goes perfectly with your muffin basket!”

“That’s… really sweet of you.”

Lyssa narrowed her eyes. “Poison is also sweet. Sometimes.”

I took a sip.

It was divine.

That night, I crawled into my bedroll with one goal: sleep.

I had just drifted off when I felt a soft weight beside me.

“Ren~,” Naomi whispered, her breath warm against my ear. “The forest gets cold at night, and sharing body heat is tactical.”

I bolted upright.

“What are you doing in my futon!?”

“It’s not yours if I’m in it too,” she whispered.

At that exact moment, the tent flap burst open.

Lyssa, in her oversized hoodie, wielded her staff like a bat.

“Out,” she said.

“But—”

“OUT.”

Naomi whimpered. “Fine…”

She returned to her own side of the tent, though not without blowing me a kiss on the way out.