Let's Make a Deal

JZ hadn’t been to church in a long time. Thoughts about God, Heaven, and the afterlife had totally escaped his mind. It just wasn’t for him. Not after everything that had happened. So when he found himself standing on the very clouds, looking up at what could only be described as an angel standing behind a podium, he was more than a little shocked.

“Next please!” said the angel, tapping a little call bell on the podium. JZ moved forward without much thought, going through the motions.

“Uh... I guess I’m next?” said JZ.

“Ah, there you are. Let’s see... Jabez Dalton, age 28. Death by gunshot wounds to the head.” The angel, their hair flowing like spun threads of gold, looked back down at JZ, who still had several holes in his forehead. “Yeah, that checks out,” the angel continued.

“So... Is this-”

“Heaven? Oh yes, you’re correct. I know, bit of a shocker. Everyone feels that way. Mostly. Don’t worry, this is all standard procedure. I just need to make sure your soul data lines up with our records.”

“R-right... Do your thing I guess.”

The angel thumbed through what looked like an incredibly large book on the podium, occasionally looking up with shimmering golden eyes at JZ. It was less like the angel was looking at him and more like they were looking through him. It felt... Weird.

“Okay, everything is correct. Now I just need you to sign your name, leave a rating on how you think I did, then we can get you through the pearly gates.”

“W-wait a second, that’s it? I just sign my name and get into Heaven?”

“Well sure! You can leave a comment or feedback if you feel inclined, but most never do.”

“But what about... All the things I did... And didn’t do. Are you sure you got the right guy?”

“Absolutely positive! Says right here you’re destined for Heaven. Good job, by the way! Now go ahead and take this pen, sign your name...”

No.

“And touch this part of the page here...”

No.

“And then you’re-”

“NO!” JZ threw the pen onto the ground, like he just wrestled back control over his own body. The angel stared, their face frozen in shock.

“Um... What’s going on?” asked the angel.

“I... I don’t belong up there,” said JZ.

“But the book says-”

“To HELL with the book! It’s WRONG!”

The angel clammed up, glancing around the cloudy sky. “Um, uh... I think there’s some confusion. It’s not wrong... Sure, sometimes a few details get mixed up, but that’s why I double-check to make sure-”

“No! I don’t belong in Heaven!! If Heaven is full of people like me, it has to be worse than I could have ever imagined!”

The angel was silent, tapping their fingers together anxiously. After a few seconds, the angel said, “Listen, I know this whole thing has to be a big shock for you, but... It’s over. You’ve passed on. And because you’ve done so many good deeds, you earned your ticket to Heaven. That’s just how we do things up here.”

JZ, on the verge of tears, remembered being on his knees beside a hospital bed. He remembered his promise. And looking up at the angel, he knew he had broken it.

“No, I refuse! You can’t make me go there! You... You can’t!”

“Well,” the angel shrugged, “I guess if you don’t want to go to Heaven, there’s always the alternative.”

The angel pressed a button on their side of the podium, and a square hole opened up in the clouds, letting JZ peer down into another place far below. He saw fire, he saw fear, he saw agony. Gnashing teeth, cackling demons, wounds that healed just as quickly as they were inflicted. An endless cycle of pain and anguish. It was only a few moments before the angel closed the window to that place, but JZ knew exactly what he saw.

“That... Was Hell, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, more or less,” said the angel, walking around the podium and putting a hand on JZ’s shoulder. “Did it... Look more to your liking?” JZ shook his head, causing the angel to frown. “So you don’t think you deserve Heaven, but you don’t want to go to Hell either? Hoo boy, I’m going to have to ask a supervisor about this one. Let me grab you a chair.”

“Actually, I think I can be of assistance!” a voice called out from distant shadows. The voice sounded exaggerated, cartoonish even. It didn’t sound quite right. When the figure finally showed itself, JZ understood why.

“What the hell are you?” stared in disbelief.

“Hello there boy! Sounds like you had trouble finding the right destination! Well, I happen to know a place that would be just perfect for someone like you. Why not take a walk with me so I can show you?”

“H-hold on, you’re not supposed to be here!” the angel pointed a shaking finger. “Y-you’re supposed to be working! How did you even get here?!”

Standing before JZ was a strange man in a fancy orange coat, with white dress gloves, a polka dot tie, and dark pants with riding boots that looked fit for another era. Where there should have been a person’s head was a slathering, grinning donkey’s head with wild brown eyes, grey fur, and a dark mohawk running down the top of his head to the back of his neck. As the angel stammered, the donkey-headed man looked in their direction, causing the angel to shut up in an instant.

“You needn’t fret the details, little one. I know this might seem strange, but even someone like me gets breaks. Besides... Not like I’m missing much right now,” the donkey-headed man grinned. “Now where was I? Ah yes, Jabez. Or would you prefer JZ? Since you don’t like either proposition the angel has given, would you like to hear my offer?”

JZ looked at the angel who shook their head in fright. JZ looked back at the donkey-headed stranger. He seemed like the least trustworthy person JZ had ever met in his life. But... He also wanted to know where this was going.

“Might as well explore my options...” said JZ.

“Splendid, splendid! Then follow me, JZ! Ooh hoo, that rhymed! How delightful.”

As JZ started walking, he heard the angel call out from behind. “Jabez... Don’t go.”

“What’s the problem? If I don’t like what he has to say, I’ll come right back.”

“But...” The angel looked down. “Just be careful.”

Strange thing for you to say, thought JZ. Are you not an authority figure here?

JZ left the angel behind and stepped into the shadows where the donkey-headed man had emerged. Soon enough, it was just the two of them. Despite being surrounded by complete darkness, JZ could see himself and the stranger just fine.

“So, what’s this really about?” JZ spoke up. The stranger stopped, their once animated movement growing still.

“What’s this about? Why... I already told you, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but I can’t imagine you’d reach out to me for no reason. There’s obviously something in it for you, so since we’re alone now, go ahead and tell me. I’m listening.”

JZ could see gleaming white teeth as the stranger’s mouth curled into a smile.

“I knew I was right about you. So, before we begin, allow me to introduce myself,” the stranger turned, holding his right arm over his torso in a bow. “My name is Gamugin. I’m what you would call... A Watcher. I watch things that happen in my assigned realm and record them, placing my notes in the Grand Archive. Those records that angel was thumbing through? You have people like me to thank for that.”

“Then... That’s why they said you should be working. But wait, what do you mean by assigned realm?”

Gamugin produced a fine cane with a golden ball on its head from the darkness and gestured, making images appear like portals to other worlds.

“Realms like these, of course! There are countless realms, and every realm has a Watcher just like me! Even yours!”

“Mine? Who is-”

“Let’s not fret over the details,” Gamugin appeared beside JZ, wrapping his arm around the man. “All you need to know is that I think you’d be a great fit for my realm. Call it... A second chance at life.”

“A second chance? As in... Reincarnation?”

“More or less, yes.”

“Why do you people keep saying that?”

“Come on JZ! Where’s your enthusiasm? Not everyone gets a chance like this! Just think! You can finally leave your old humdrum life behind and go on an adventure! You kids love adventures, don’t you? Always playing your box stations and x-cubes! But now you get to play the adventure for real. So, what do you say?”

Gamugin stepped back and extended his hand holding a slip of paper towards JZ, to which the man said, “But... I still don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“What you get out of this. If your job is just to record things, why does it matter if I’m in your realm or not?”

“JZ, JZ, JZ... Oh, you silly little boy. Let me spell it out for you.” Gamugin threw his cane to the ground so hard it shattered. “I’M BORED!!!!”

“E-excuse me?”

“MY REALM IS BORING! IT’S TOO STABLE! NOTHING IS HAPPENING IN IT! IT’S SO COMPLACENT! SO ARROGANT! SO CORRUPT! I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE!!! Do you understand, JZ? It’s my job to watch the realm and record what happens in it, day in, day out, for eternity!!! I can’t die, but you know what feels like dying? BOREDOM!! It’s the worst feeling imaginable, and I’m sick of it!!! Do you hear me, JZ? I want EXCITEMENT! I want MAGIC! I WANT A STORY WORTH RECORDING!!!!” Gamugin looked on the verge of collapse, huffing and puffing the way he was. After he caught his breath, he straightened himself out and looked back at JZ. “At any rate, I’m not asking for much. I just want something interesting to happen. I’ve heard about you and your little shenanigans from a friend. I think if I plopped you into my realm, I’d finally get to enjoy my work for once. So will you do it or not? Otherwise your choice for the afterlife goes back to an unsatisfying Heaven or a TERRIFYING HELL!”

“But what do I get in return once I make things interesting for you?”

“What... Do you get?” Gamugin started laughing louder and louder until he was throwing his head back in a full blown cackle. Then he grasped his donkey head and started shaking. “HA HA! OF COURSE YOU’D SAY THAT! Why wouldn’t you?! I knew you were no selfless hero the moment I laid eyes on you! Yes! PERFECT! Well tell you what, JZ! If you can make things interesting enough for me, I’ll throw in a wish. You want something? I can get it! I can get you your old life back if you want! Hell, I can even bring your family back if you-” Gamugin stopped, looking JZ. “Oh, that got your attention, didn’t it?”

JZ stepped forward, looking up into Gamugin’s crazed bloodshot eyes.

“Tell me what I have to do.”

“Splendid! Splendid!” Gamugin passed over the slip of paper once more, as well as a feathered quill. “Go ahead and give it a read. Write your wish on the first dotted line, then sign your name on the second.”

JZ looked over the contract, noting its straight-forward and specific wording, eventually writing down his wish and signing his name, handing it back to Gamugin.

“Done.”

“Righty-o! Then let’s get down to business!”

Summoning a cane just like the one from before, Gamugin pointed a the darkness below and created a portal. JZ looked down and saw it was a sky view of a forest at night. There was a clearing, a fire, and several dead men in armor on the ground.

“Is that...?”

“Yes indeed! Once I toss you down there, you can start your little adventure.”

“I thought you said... Oh, never mind. So what should I do once I’m down there?”

“That’s the fun part! It’s your adventure. You decide! If I told you what to do, it wouldn’t be very interesting for me, now would it?”

“Fair point... All right. So do I just jump down or what?”

“Not exactly.”

Gamugin tossed his cane aside then grabbed JZ. Before the man could do anything about it, Gamugin crushed and folded JZ down into a ball of soul energy, then after rearing back like a baseball pitcher, he flung JZ through the portal.

“Welcome to Elonia, kid! Have fun!”