Chapter 19:

19 — Agatha's Feelings

Ill-Fitting Crown

He feels even worse than yesterday.

Anneliese left a little snack tray and some freshly-squeezed juice for him, but she didn't want to stay to talk. Which is to be expected. She probably feels very much embarrassed because of what happened in the bath. She's probably freaking out. Wondering what she did wrong or if she's getting fired from being a maid or some other thing, knowing her.

And he knows that because that's how he is, too.

He feels terrible. Of course he does.

What almost happened... would be fine, probably. In normal circumstances. She clearly wanted him, and he felt like he wanted her too. At least in that moment. It wouldn't be... particularly surprising if it happened. They've been dancing around it for a while now.

But these aren't normal circumstances.

Because he's a fraud.

He's basically tricking everyone in this life.

She didn't actually want him. She wanted the real Joezand.

And as much as Sunnaria told him to accept the fact that he is the real Joezand now...

How could he?

He doesn't feel like the chatterbox troublemaker that Joezand was supposed to be. And now... He doesn't feel like the passive and useless Akira either. He took more action in these seventeen days in the palace than his whole life before that. But it doesn't seem right that he is this this new Joezand that other people perceive. The disciplined, empathic and calm prince. Heh, calm. He sure is anything but that. He's freaking out right now! He has freaked out several times since he arrived here. How could he be calm? He doesn't know how he'd describe himself, completely disconnected from his own ego.

He sighs and looks to the bedside table. He sees a pile of books that Lorelai dropped earlier. She said that since he isn't training physically, he should read some of the books assigned to him by the Empress. But he really, really does not want to.

But he does need a distraction.

He tries reaching for the book on the top of the pile, but his entire body hurts. He feels every single muscle burn, and his arm flops down to the side of the bed. Ugh. This day will be awful. He can only imagine how painful it's going to be when he has to get up and go to the bathroom. He stares at the ceiling. He knows he needs the rest, but he's starting to wish he was able to do magic or something to keep himself entertained. Actually, is he able? He never saw any of the royals use magic, so he wonders if the von Styria bloodline is so dirtied by the inbreeding that they are unable to use it. Although he doesn't have a clue how one would start to use magic, but apparently it's a pretty difficult process according to that priest. And according to Sunnaria, his original universe doesn't have magic. Which sucks. But there must be something that allows the people of Orskideal to use it. Maybe the humans are biologically distinct, or the rules of the universe just work differently. Maybe the laws of physics are actually just an agreement between the gods on how things should work, and aren't shared between universes? Does this place have gravity? Or gravity-like magic?

He starts to wonder if he could recreate something like electricity in this world. The priest said that demonic magic could make continuous sparks, so maybe he could use something like that? If the priest can imbue his ring with celestial magic, maybe someone who can use demonic magic could imbue a generator or something. Although... He shouldn't screw up this world's development by introducing such an early technological advancem—

A knock.

He hears a knock on his door.

"Who is it?" He calls out.

"It's Agatha." A voice replies. "Can I come in?"

"Oh, w-wait just a bit." He quickly reaches to his side and grabs a book, muffling his own groan of pain. He opens it on a random page and lays it on his chest. "Yeah, you can come in."

The door opens and Agatha walks in. Instead of the gaudy white dress and jewelry, she seems to be wearing clothes that are a lot more casual. Her dark blue dress looks less fancy and more comfortable than her usual white one, and she's missing her necklace and earrings. She takes a quick look around his room, sitting on a armchair near his bed.

"You look different." Joezand says. "Nothing like you did on the throne room. I like the wardrobe change."

"I simply did not have the willpower for court. So I didn't bother to dress formally." Agatha says. "I was already dragging my feet during the spats between different diplomats on the last few days, and I asked for it to be put on hold for today. I haven't been able to focus ever since our previous conversation."

"I... see." Joezand says. "I don't blame you. That was a loaded chat." He says, turning his head towards her. He grimaces a bit with the pain of moving anything.

"Incidentally, Lorelai informed me of your physical situation. So I wished to continue where we left off."

"Lorelai kicked my butt. That's all there is to say on the matter." Joezand chuckles. "Do you plan on... doing something about Thaddius?"

"Emperor Thaddius." She corrects him. "I let you use forego the use of titles during our last conversation because I was... shook. But let's keep our decorum. As for my intended action..." She looks downward. "I believe it's best to avoid doing anything."

"Why do you think that?"

"The country is already mostly ran by me." Agatha says, her nose upturned. "Even when you came back, you saw how uninterested he was in dealing with you. Until you appealed to him, that is. But you were the only one successful in that approach. Almost all matters in the kingdom are decided by my judgement only. Which is for the best. He doesn't care about the Empire. Doing something as radical as ousting Emperor Thaddius would just bring unneeded instability because, for all intents and purposes, he is already de facto not the ruler. Just a figurehead."

"I could see that, sure." Joezand replies. "But what about you? How do you feel?" He asks. "How about Duchess Cecilia?"

"Duchess Cecilia hasn't come to the same realization that you and I have. And I don't plan on telling her that currently." Agatha says. "She's a loose cannon. Realizing this could make her lash out, or disrespect the Emperor directly. And I know that Emperor Thaddius is capable of great cruelty." She shudders at that. "As for me... It doesn't matter what I feel."

"I understand." Joezand says, looking directly in her eyes. "And what if it did?"

"What?"

"I trust your decision about doing nothing." Joezand explains. "And if you don't think your feelings don't matter, I believe that, too. But just, hypothetically..." He sits up slightly, grimacing in pain. "If your feelings did matter. And if you were to do something about it... What would it be?"

"I-I..." He can see Agatha becoming flustered again, just like last time. He doesn't do it on purpose, but... After learning everything, he does want to help her. "I don't know. I haven't thought about it. But I'd start by apologizing."

"To who?"

"To Duchess Cecilia." Agatha replies. "You might think I'm horrible for this, but... When I learned about what he did, I was angry. Not angry because he did something that awful, but because I felt jealous. I felt angry like someone who was being cheated on." Her fists clench. "Can you believe that? My daughter was a victim, and I was jealous of her! And I ended up being just... the worst mother I could be. I started pampering Florian instead, and it made her feel isolated in the moment when she needed me the most."

"Agatha..." Joezand says, ignoring the pain he feels stretching his arm to put a hand over hers.

"No wonder she turned out like this." Agatha sighs. "If I was her safe haven after all of that, she probably could've healed. If I was braver, I'd have dealt with my brother right there and then. But instead..." Tears prick the corner of her eyes. "I pushed her away. She only had her father left, so she fell even deeper into his clutches. That's the reason she developed such a warped worldview. And because of that she entered into your room and almost assaulted you. Even that was my fault, Prince Joezand."

"That's not true. You were a victim too, remember?" Joezand says. "You thought it was normal because Thaddius made you think like that. He's the one at fault here."

"I... suppose so." Agatha says. "I just... feel so angry. Why couldn't I have dealt it another way?"

"Direct that anger towards who deserves it, then. Don't feel angry at yourself. You did what you thought was right, even if you were wrong." Joezand says. "Besides apologizing, what do you wish you'd have done?"

"I think just that. Directing my anger. Act out somehow." Agatha replies. "I've always been calm and proper, and that didn't change with all those events in my life. Maybe if I was a little bit more violent, screamed more, pushed him around... He'd see how much he hurt me. I'm sure he wouldn't care. But I just want those feelings to be seen."

"I see them." Joezand replies, giving her a smile. It's better to stop pushing her for now. The last few days have been tough on her. "Feels better to let it out, doesn't it?"

"I suppose." Agatha sighs. "You're sly, Prince Joezand. You made me talk about my useless feelings even if I didn't want to."

"You got played." He smirks.

"That I did. You even forgot to call your father Emperor and call me Empress when I was worked up."

"O-Oh, sorry about that. I'm not used to it."

"I'll forgive you once again. But you ought to make it a habit." The corners of her mouth upturn into a small smile. "Other courts around Orskideal won't be as kind as me. Honestly, you were always such a handful..."

"Always? Now you're just being mean."

"Always." She repeats. "The amount of times you got yourself into trouble, and I had to call on Pult to pull you out of it... Too many to count, to be honest."

"Maybe you could tell me some of my misadventures." Joezand says. "I don't remember any of them, after all."

"Why not?" She chuckles. "I have the time. I think the absolute worst one was when..."

He actually isn't particularly interested in what he did in the past. It'd just add to his confusion on who he really is. Still, he listens with a smile.

After all... She seems like she needs a break. To just talk lightly to someone without any political power play involved.

They keep talking until late into the night, Joezand's brain full of lore about himself by the end.