Epilogue: Breaking News, Broken Brains, and Other Global Disasters

We drove away in silence at first. Me at the wheel, Elliot hunched in the passenger seat, juggling three books at once while scribbling in his cursed little notebook. He looked like he was trying to summon a demon with trigonometry.

The radio blared something loud and awful—industrial bagpipe techno, I think. Elliot groaned.

“Serha, could you please change the station? This is… torture.”

I smirked. “Oh, sweetheart, this is still less horrible than what we just saw in that cave. And no—I can’t change it. Radio’s been broken for months. Stuck on one station, can’t switch, can’t even turn it off.”

For once, torturing him made me feel better.

But then the music cut.

A robotic voice chimed in: “BREAKING NEWS.”

My hands tightened on the wheel. Elliot sat bolt upright.

The presenter’s voice was calm, authoritative, completely insane.

“At the legendary Lake of Mysterious Mysteries, after decades of speculation, investigators have finally confirmed the existence of a living plesiosaur—”

“WHAT?!” Elliot and I shouted at the exact same time.

I swerved. “Are you kidding me?! We were just there, four feet from a turtle orgy, and now there’s a freaking dinosaur?!”

Elliot slapped his forehead. “A plesiosaur! Nessie! I knew it! I knew it!”

The presenter droned on: “And furthermore, locals report that the creature has been domesticated—by a villager using a bagpipe.”

My jaw hit the steering wheel. “WHAT?!”

Elliot’s voice cracked. “Bagpipes?! The whole time?! I knew it too!”

The radio crackled. “In addition, authorities confirm that said villager has been using the plesiosaur as an accomplice in a string of unsolved serial murders.”

“WHAT?!” we screamed again, almost in harmony.

“This is insane!” I shrieked. “What kind of low-budget Scooby-Doo fever dream is this?!”

“Turn it off!” Elliot cried, clutching his ears. “For the love of science, TURN IT OFF! NOOOOOOOOOW!”

“I CAN’T!” I screamed back. “IT’S BROKEN! I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAN’T!

But the broadcast continued mercilessly.

“And in the most shocking twist, new evidence suggests the plesiosaur can not only swim but fly. And the mysterious bagpipe-playing villager has been unmasked as none other than… Santa Claus.”

We both screamed so loud the car shook:

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

I slammed the wheel, Elliot threw his books, and for one perfect, terrible second, I swear the scream echoed all the way into orbit.

And that, dear universe, was the end of our Loch adventure.