That's a Boss, You Dumbass

A Heavenly General? That sounded suspiciously like...

"That's a boss, you dumbass!"

Inorin's voice echoed in my head. I was nine at the time, hunched over a handheld console while Inorin sprawled across my bed, legs kicked up against the wall. My character - a level 3 noob with starter gear - had just wandered into a glowing purple cave because hey, purple means rare loot, right?

Wrong. So very wrong.

The screen erupted with ominous music as health bars cascaded down from the top. Not one, not two, but five separate bars stacked on top of each other.

[GENERAL KA HAS AWAKENED]

"Wait, what's-"

My character promptly ate a face full of lightning before I could finish the sentence.

"Pfft!" Beer sprayed everywhere as Inorin rolled off the couch, cackling. "Oh man, you seriously suck!"

"You said the exit was through there!"

"It is! You just gotta, y'know, kill general twink first." She wiped tears from her eyes, still wheezing. "Come on, load your save. Give it another shot."

"No way. This game's stupid."

"Hmm?" Inorin rolled onto her stomach, chin propped on both hands. "Tell you what. Beat ka man and I'll make my special curry tonight."

I paused, controller halfway to the coffee table. "You going to add chocolate?"

"Yuuup."

"...Fine."

She ruffled my hair, grinning that stupid grin of hers. "That's my girl. Now, this time, try dodging."

The memory faded as Jiko's impatient cough dragged me back to the present. Right. Murder a Heavenly General. With this guy. While babying this defective penguin.

"Look, why can't you just kill this general yourself? Not that I'm condoning murder or whatever, but you seem pretty handy with that bow."

"Trust me, I've tried."

"Then what makes you so sure I can beat this general?"

"There's an old tale my father used to tell. Well, his father told him. Or maybe his father's father. The details got fuzzy over time. The generals weren't always like this. They used to rule through fear. But then people started falling from the sky."

"Falling from the sky," I repeated flatly.

"These sky-fallen warriors challenged the generals and defeated them, bringing peace to the realms."

I glanced up at the clouds. Yeah, right. No way was I some chosen one destined to take down bosses. I couldn't even handle my landlady on a good day.

"Listen, I don't think-"

"We're here." Jiko cut me off, pointing ahead.

A straw hut slouched in the middle of the fields. Half the roof had caved in, and what remained looked ready to follow suit any second. Weeds burst through gaps in the walls, nature's middle finger to whoever built this dump.

"That's your base? It looks ready to collapse if I sneeze at it."

"It's temporary."

"Yeah, temporary until it falls on our heads."

Jiko ignored me (again) and ducked through the doorway, waving me inside. The hut's interior hit me with a wave of nostalgia - bare wooden floors and a single table pushed against the wall. Just like my current place minus the instant ramen graveyard.

Jiko rummaged through a barrel in the corner, pulling out what looked like potato sacks with arm holes cut into them.

"Here." He tossed one my way. "Change into this."

My face scrunched up in disgust. "Hard pass."

"Look, I know they're not exactly what you wear, but they beat smelling like mud."

"That's not the problem." I hugged my jacket closer, fingers tracing the worn edges of the sleeves. "These clothes... they're important."

I'd always remember the night Inorin gave them to me. She'd stumbled home late, reeking of beer as usual, as she draped her favorite hoodie and jacket over my shoulders.

"They suit you better anyway. Plus, you're getting too tall for your old ones. Can't have my favorite niece catching a cold~"

I'd worn them everyday since she disappeared.

"Suit yourself." Jiko shrugged, heading for the door.

"Wait, you're going to leave me here alone?" Bitch.

"Keep a low profile. The general can't find you here."

I pressed my face against the crumbling window frame. Paddies stretched to the horizon, broken only by the occasional scarecrow.

"Are you kidding? There's literally nothing but fields for miles. How's this general supposed to spot me from way out there?"

"The general can sense us from leagues away. Don't underestimate her."

"Fine, whatever. Then where am I supposed to sleep? The floor?"

Jiko pointed to some hay piled in the corner. "They're comfy."

That did it. I stormed toward him, jostling Peng awake in my arms. The penguin let out a confused "peng?" as I marched across the room.

"Listen here you-"

The door slammed in my face. I placed Peng down beside me and grabbed the handle and yanked, but it wouldn't budge. That bastard must have barricaded it from the outside.

"Hey! Open up!" I kicked the door, which only succeeded in showering me with dust from the ceiling.

Ok, not only was I trapped in this dump, but every minute wasted here another second Inorin could be... No. I refused to finish that thought.

I scanned the room, searching for another way out. A broken bow hung on rusty nails, its string long since rotted away. Next to it, arrows gathered cobwebs in a leather quiver. Must've been Jiko's old gear.

There's gotta be a weak spot somewhere. What about the window? Probably too narrow. I'd get stuck halfway and die an embarrassing death. The walls looked ready to crumble, yet when I slammed my shoulder into them, they barely budged. Same with kicks that should have splintered the rotting wood.

Peng sat on the floor, head tilted as it watched me throw myself at every surface.

"Don't give me that look. You try getting us out."

After my fifth failed attempt to break through walls, Peng finally stirred from its spot. It waddled toward the far corner, stopping to peek back at me with an expectant "peng?"

"Not now." I massaged my bruised knuckles. "I'll pick you up after I figure out how to- Peng?"

The penguin ignored me, now fixating on a hole in the wall. Then, in what had to be the least graceful thing I ever witnessed, it somehow managed tip its rotund body forward and roll straight through the gap.

I rushed to the gap where Peng had disappeared, dropping to my knees to peer through.

"Peng? You okay out there?"

A muffled "peng!" chirped back. Relief flooded through me until I remembered one crucial detail - the stupid bird could barely waddle two steps without face-planting.

"Hold on, I'll..." I trailed off, realizing I had no idea how to help. The gap was way too small for me to squeeze through.

"Peng peng!" Another cheerful response. At least it sounded alive.

"Just... stay put, okay? I'll figure something out."

More chirping followed, each "peng" more carefree than the last. Did this bird not understand the concept of danger? Or gravity?

After what felt like an hour, a sudden scraping sound froze me mid-step. Something heavy dragged across the ground outside, wood groaning as the barricade shifted. Had Peng somehow managed to move it?

No way those flippers could move anything. This had to be something else.

The door creaked open. First came Peng, waddling in as if nothing had happened. Then...

A horse stepped into the hut. No, not quite a horse. Its body rippled like moonlight on water, somehow both there and not there at once. Instead of hooves, its feet seemed to dissolve into wisps of smoke that curled around its legs. But what really got me were its eyes - deep pools of blue that seemed to stare straight through me.

The creature lowered its head, gesturing toward the path outside with a graceful sweep of its neck. An invitation to follow.