Getting Better

I woke up on the floor in the Parris’ garage. No one else was in there. The sun was shining through the glass in the garage door. I was naked, my clothes in a pile by the couch.

I was covered in dried blood, so something transpired after my mind went blank last night.

I got dressed. I left my phone inside the house last night, so I couldn’t just slip out the garage door. What the fuck happened?

I opened the door that led into a corridor that led to the Parris’ kitchen. Scott was sitting at the table eating toast. I looked up and saw the clock, 8:03 a.m.

“Morning, Wes.”

“Morning…” I put my hands on my face. I had no idea what he knew.

“Courtney told me to leave you in there last night—she went with Kenny and Maggie to bring Skye home after you blacked out.”

Alright, that answers a couple of questions.

“Did she tell you anything about why I blacked out, or anything else?” I asked.

“No—why?”

“I don’t remember anything after my heart-to-heart with Jim last night…and I need to put the pieces together.”

“You had a touching chat with Jim? That’s awesome,” he paused. “You’ll have to talk to Courtney and Skye about last night though.”

I figured as much.

“Is Courtney awake and around?”

“You can try her door.”

“Thanks.”

I walked down the hallway, hoping to get some answers about what I did last night—and if I traumatized Courtney.

I knocked twice.

“Who is it?” She asked.

“Wes.”

A brief silence.

“Come in and close the door behind you.”

Well, I guess she was going to give me answers. I walked into her room to find her sitting on her bed, still in her pajamas.

“So…I don’t remember anything after Skye smeared her blood on my face…and I’m so fucking sorry about all of that.”

“It’s not your fault, Wes. She and I were talking…and I got curious about you guys’ relationship, and she was getting really into explaining it when you walked in,” she paused. “And then I panicked…so I’m sorry.”

“Courtney, you didn’t do anything wrong, but please tell me what happened after. I’m not okay right now and could use some insight on what’s going on.”

“Well, after she wiped her hand on your face, something snapped in you. It was like you became a completely different person.”

“Did I do anything to you?”

“No… but Skye didn’t stop you. She kept pushing, and you kept going. It was like she wanted to see how far you'd go.”

I sat on the floor. The tears started uncontrollably.

“How did this happen?”

This was rock bottom. How could I lose control like that? How could I do that to Courtney?

“Wes…it’s not your fault,” she paused. “I should have stopped it before it started. I just sat there watching…not wanting it to stop.”

That…wasn’t what I expected.

Courtney started crying.

“What the fuck is wrong with both of us?” she asked.

I had so many questions, but I didn’t want the answers to any of them at that moment.

“I guess I should go talk to Skye and take a shower at some point,” I said, trying to stop crying.

The sounds of a Saturday morning in the suburbs harmonized with the sounds of our sobbing.

Courtney sighed deeply.

“If you’re going to see her, I’m going to tell you this in person…” she paused. “I don’t want you to hear it from her first and question it.”

The hair on my arm stood up. What now?

“After it ended—whatever that was—I asked her something I probably shouldn’t have.”

“What?”

“If I could watch again. Like it was a show or something.”

A long pause.

I wasn’t even sure I believed her. Not because I doubted the story, but because it didn’t feel like something I would do. Or maybe it did. Maybe that was the scariest part.

“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

I need to get out of this town. I don’t think I can be near any of them right now.

***

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, but I had to see her. After last night, something between us had shifted—and whatever it was, it needed boundaries.

I finally checked my phone to over one-hundred unread messages. The only one I needed to see was Skye telling me to drop by when I had a chance.

Her parents’ cars weren’t in the driveway. I knocked on the door.

After a minute, Skye came down and opened the door, inviting me in. We sat in the living room, letting the silence pass the time for a few minutes.

“Last night—” I tried to start.

“That was my bad—I got carried away," she paused. “When you walked into the garage I was turned on telling Courtney about what you do to me…and I just couldn’t control myself.”

What am I even here to say?

“Wes…I love you, and I am so sorry. I didn’t expect any of that to turn out that way…I didn’t think you were going to lose control like that…I didn’t think I was going to lose control…I didn’t think Courtney would start touching herself—but I guess that’s on me, too.”

Why did everything have to get more complicated? Courtney getting off on it was embarrassing, yeah—but at least someone was enjoying themselves.

“Skye—I think we need some space between us.”

There was silence.

The sounds of the summer breeze rattling tacky wind chimes filled the air.

“I don’t want to break up…I don’t even want to take a break—” my voice trembled, I was crying again. “We just need to figure out the emotions before we keep pushing the physical boundaries.”

She pulled me closer on the couch placing my head in her chest.

“I understand, Wes. You’re right…let’s stop sleeping together for a while and figure out who we are together,” she hesitated. “I don’t want to lose you…I just got carried away when you had this same sickness as me.”

I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I needed to get the blood off of me.

When I was done here, I was going to hang out with Scott, maybe see if he could sell me a few more Xans. I needed something to take the edge off. I didn’t know what I was chasing anymore—comfort, escape, clarity. I just knew I was losing whatever grip I had left.

***

Two weeks passed since the shitshow at the Parris’ house. Things didn’t spiral—they just… stalled.

Skye and I managed to actually start having healthy, romantic dates and conversations that didn’t lead to extravagant sex and blackouts. She told me she wanted to be a social worker—helping kids who felt lost like she once did. It was the first time I really saw her as someone with a future.

Courtney still wasn’t right around me—I couldn’t get a read on how she felt about what happened that night, but our friendship wasn’t the same. I hoped that as time went by we could move forward, but after you see that I don’t think it's easy. She was more herself when I saw her with Kenny and Maggie though.

I also started talking to Julia again amidst all of this. We weren’t going to get back together—she knew that, and I did too. But I needed someone who wasn’t orbiting the same mental black hole I was. Julia had her flaws, but at least they didn’t bleed on people. Most of the conversations were just about Daft Punk and Lady Gaga, but it was a needed break from the density of everyone else.

Of course, I didn’t get my shit together on my own. Scott came in clutch with a Xanax hookup. I didn’t want to get addicted, so I only bought five tablets from him. I took them the first couple of times I saw Skye and Courtney after the incident, and the haze helped me get back to baseline with both of them.

In those two weeks, I could tell Scott was using more. He admitted to taking adderall a few times a week, but I knew there was more going on. He was more at ease around the band now that he had an accomplice.

We finally got the masters back from the recording session. They sounded great and I sent them over to Stan as soon as possible. We were planning a listening party for the new tracks—friends, family, the works. Just the thought of being in that house again made my stomach turn.