Chapter 10:
I Played Love Songs Until We Were Drenched in Blood
Another Saturday night at the Parris’ house, and I was a fucking disaster. I thought about asking Scott for a chemical favor, but I wasn’t trying to become an addict.
I called Kenny and asked if we could go for a walk before everyone else got there. I needed to tell him everything. I needed to clear my conscience.
We talked for over an hour. I told him everything that was going on—except that I was buying Xanax from Scott. I just told him I had a guy that I met in Lowell.
“Dude, why did you wait so long to tell me all of this?”
“I’ve just been so caught up in all of it…I was ashamed—I didn’t want to admit that I’m this messed up.”
“You’re fine, Wes. I’ll never think any less of you for battling demons—I’ve been a mess for so long that there’s nothing you can say that will faze me.”
“Thanks.”
“With that said, you’re smart to not lean on the Xans. We’re too young to get hooked on that shit…With Skye, I’m glad you guys are figuring it out after all of that. You guys had an intense honeymoon phase, but if you can build something sturdy after you’ll have something special.”
I can’t believe how positive he was.
“The Courtney thing…that is fucked, and I don’t know how to help with that one. I’d say let time pass, and when you and Skye are mentally well enough to do psychotic shit again, invite her like she asked…she either becomes your third or moves on with her life…put the ball in her court.”
God, Kenny’s a genius. I was either dumb, or he was the emo sage I didn’t know I needed.
We made it back to the Parris’ house after everyone else had arrived. We didn’t apologize. Everyone except Jim knew how much of a mess I was lately and how much I needed this heart-to-heart with Kenny.
Scott had his computer hooked up to the surround sound system in the living room. I listened to all of the masters before I sent them to Stan and I knew they were tight, but I felt nervous sharing it with people who weren’t in the band—ironic.
As each track started and ended, the room took turns saying good things about the songs.
“Kenny, those fills in the early songs are wild,” Courtney said.
“Thanks, but Jim built a great pocket for me to work out inside of.”
“Yeah, but I’m just here to make Scott’s vocals shine,” Jim replied
“I mean, it all works because everyone is playing to the song instead of themselves,” Scott concluded.
Kenny’s bass and Scott’s vocals were the highlight of the album. It was obvious that Jim and I were just along for the creative journey.
Skye grabbed my hand during the fourth song—her way of reminding me she was still there. She knew I was spiraling. We’d spent enough time together that she knew what my low points looked like. I pulled her into my lap, wrapping my arms around her. I wanted her to feel loved, like she was a part of my world, as much as the band was.
Finally, we made it to the last song. ‘Darker Days’ played for an audience for the first time—the only song no one outside the band had ever heard in its entirety.
I held Skye with every fiber of myself. This song took everything in me to create. The fear of being rejected by the people I loved the most was settling in. If they didn’t think this was good, then that’s all I was worth as an artist, and as a person. I might as well kill myself.
At the end of the guitar solo, I felt a warm dripping on my arm. I looked down to notice that Skye was crying. Her grip on my arms tightened. She turned and kissed me on the forehead before whispering, “I love you,” in my ear.
As the song ended the room was dead quiet.
“Wes, I’m sorry about what I said—that song and its solo is better than anything Caleb ever did with these guys,” Courtney said.
The tears started and I didn’t have the power to stop them.
“Wes…good job. You really made something incredible,” Maggie said, joining the affirmation committee.
“I mean, it’s only as good as it is because Scott’s amazing,” I said, trying to redirect the attention.
“Thanks, Wes, but you really nailed it on this one…I just brought your vision to life.”
This was going much better than the last time I was here.
Eventually, things quieted down. Scott and Jim went off to do God knows what. Kenny made it clear he wasn’t going to leave me alone with Skye and Courtney after last time.
“So, do you think a record label’s going to pick it up?” Maggie asked.
“I was talking to Stan McSorley from R&R Records earlier…he’s working with the A&R team right now, but I have a commitment that there’s an offer in the works,” I said.
“We’ve already accepted we’re going to get a sketchy deal, but if it gets us in the door with a major label, it’s worth it at our age,” Kenny chimed in.
“If you guys go on tour, what’re we supposed to do?” Maggie joked.
“Well, you and Courtney have each other,” Kenny smiled.
“And Skye and I have gotten close because of Wes,” Courtney said.
I mean, that is one way to put it.
“Are you still serious about us texting you the next time?” Skye asked, ignoring the company.
Courtney’s body language shifted from open to guarded immediately.
“Yeah,” Courtney said coldly, not wanting Skye to elaborate further.
Based on Maggie’s reaction, Courtney hadn’t told her about what happened. I wasn’t sure what Skye was trying to do, but she was being subtle for once.
“Skye, I’ve got to know. What makes you tick?” Kenny pressed.
“What do you mean?”
He shifted his body position and became intense, which was uncommon for him when he wasn’t on stage.
“Respectfully, you’re as much of a maniac as I am, especially in social situations. I’m a bit of a sociopath who likes to make people confront ugliness for fun, but what about you? What’s your angle?”
She leaned into my arms, thinking about the question.
“I guess I like honest people. Everyone likes to hide the ugliness in them, but that’s no fun. If people were naked all the time, you’d never have to question how people felt about you.”
A surprisingly direct and honest answer…It was too inline with her behavior to be a lie.
Kenny sat back and pulled Maggie closer to him.
“Yeah, that actually makes sense. Your actions make a lot of sense from that angle.”
Eventually, everyone went home for the night. I decided to walk Skye home. I was probably going to end up crashing at her place.
“Do you want me to invite Courtney to come back with us?” she asked, feigning innocence.
“I don’t think so…I’ve been so vulnerable tonight. I’m still not ready for more of that…”
I felt bad rejecting her after supporting me.
“Maybe,” I reversed my decision a bit.
“Wes, it’s up to you, I don’t want to force you into something you don’t want to do.”
I felt like there was no right answer.
“If we agree there won’t be any blood tonight…then text her.”
She didn’t flinch at the condition—like she’d already planned to offer it up as a compromise.
Her face lit up as she texted Courtney.
Skye’s thumbs flew across the screen. Her whole body buzzed like she’d won a bet.
If Stan signed us to a record deal, this would just be a footnote in my legacy as another Massachusetts degenerate. The Toxic Twins set the bar low…maybe I could go lower.
Courtney stepped out of her house like nothing had happened. Her expression was unreadable, but her eyes didn’t quite meet mine.. I thought I got better, but I guess I didn’t.
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