The Teen I was Hates Me

After I calm myself down, I wash my face, trying to get rid of the remnants of tears. Still, the grief weighs heavy in my chest as I go down for breakfast.

The main dining room is almost silent, with just a few people there. I know Martha is up in her room, and I watch as another villager that I never really interacted with gives me a plate of food.

“Thanks.” I murmur. “Where’s Yusuke?”

“Said he would get out and help Dalylah clear the streets.” Says the older man. “You helped a lot of people yesterday when the commotion started, girl, with that fire talk. Thank you.”

I blush a bit, but shake my head.

“I just shared what I learned. I’m not… I don’t fight like them.” I nod towards the outside, but the old man pats me on the hand that is holding the plate.

“To each their own. You helped a lot anyway. Accept our thanks with grace, girl.”

I give him a half smile, but nod.

“Thank you.” I say, moving to sit in a secluded corner.

I eat breakfast in relative peace, and the few that were still down here start to go back up to their own rooms at Yusuke’s tavern. The silence creeps up on me, making my chest get tighter and tighter with the reminder of what I forgot. I thank the gods silently for giving me at least this bit of privacy to grieve in peace, when the door opens quietly. It takes a moment for me to notice the figure moving towards me, but, when I do, Dalylah is practically at my table.

“Aya.” She says, serious.

“Dalylah.” I respond, somewhat startled. “Weren’t you clearing the streets?”

“Yusuke, Yuki and I are doing turns. I just got tapped out.” She says, sitting in front of me. I sighed - nothing good would come from this interaction, based on the ones we had before, but if she needed this… Well. Let her talk. I have my weapons too.

“So?” I ask, after finishing my glass of water. “What are you here for?”

“Don’t play dumb with me.” She hisses, but tries to maintain a low tone of conversation to not call attention to us. “Every time something strange happens, you’re at the center of it. You might have everybody fooled by your librarian act, but not me.”

“It’s not an act, Dalylah. I am a librarian. Been one for some time now.” I say, my grief not allowing me to even feel rage at this time.

“Then how do you explain the fact that things only started to go wrong here when your domain over the library was attacked? How do you explain that there were records of you acting strange months ago, seeing coughing ink when you thought no one was looking, and now… You’re here, like nothing happened, when you very well know what happens when people do that.” That stops me in my tracks.

“How do you know that?” I ask, hissing. Of course I knew, at some level, that this Aya was going to be turned into a Choken, but by myself coming here I stopped that process. But how did others know? “Have you been spying on me?”

“I had better things to do with my time. But Lord Roderick is using his influence to observe things about the Choken.”

“Again with this Lord Roderick.” I mutter. “If he’s watching, how come he didn’t stop the Choken attack at my library? How come he didn’t stop last night? How come he didn’t stop Ulysses?” I ask, venom dripping down my words.

“There is no way to stop it!” Dalylah snaps, her voice too loud before she reins it back, trembling. “Or there wasn’t - until last night! People are alive today, Aya. Alive. Don’t you dare pretend it was just dumb luck, or whatever bullshit they are spewing about ashes. Because I know and you know that you did something to stop it, and our best guess is that who can stop them from happening is also the one creating them in the first place.”

I choke on air.

“Creating them?” I ask, incredulous. “You think I wanted this? You think I wanted people to die just so you cloud play hero again? Come on, Dalylah, you’re not that stupid.”

Her eyes flare, but I don’t stop. I feel the rage starting to creep in my throat, the whispers in my head coil like snakes, pushing me further, and I let them. She is, after all, the teenage dream of who I was supposed to be.

“Or maybe you are. Maybe you’re just a kid who thinks the world owes you something. Poor Dalylah, the perfect orphan, raised by the whole village! Poor Dalylah, who lost her godfather in a fire of her own making! Poor Dalylah, terrified of the power the Gods gave her!”

Her hands are trembling now, sparks of fire flickering uncontrolled at her fingertips.

“Newsflash.” I lean in, my voice hoarse, each word a dagger. “The world doesn’t owe you a damn thing. Because the world. Doesn’t. Care. People care. People who are left behind to clean up your messes. Who cleaned up the burned house? Who found Elias’s remains? Who had to fight wave after wave of the Demon Lord’s attacks? Who buried the bodies of people who died because here is the village of the Chosen Hero? Do you know?”

The venom in my voice gets harsher and harsher. I didn’t know that either when I came here, but… Time taught me. Familiarity showed me the festering wounds no author thinks about when creating a broken world. I counted that as another one of my failures, but now… Now I know it’s not entirely my fault.

“You don’t.” I keep going, not even giving her time to answer. “And that’s why the village doesn’t welcome you back with open arms.”

Her breath hitches. Rage burns in her eyes, hot and unstable, like the fire she can’t fully control.

“I gave. Them. Everything.” She hisses, her hands leaving burned marks on the table. “I will lay my life down for them against the Demon Lord, and against this new Choken foe.”

“They never wanted your everything, Dalylah. Nor your life.” I say, feeling the rage turn into deep, deep exhaustion. “They just wanted your warmth… Your care.”

“You dare talk to me about caring? When we both know you pulled whatever stint you did last night? Only last night, after half the village burned in flames and the other half got turned into Choken?” She gets up, making the chair behind her clatter. “If you really cared, you wouldn’t let people get hurt first!”

“And if you really cared, you would have stayed instead of running away to cling to Lord Roderick’s coattail.” I spit back, just watching the rage grow in Dalylah’s face. “Whom, I might add, is suspicious as hell. But who am I to say anything, anyway? It’s not like you’ll believe anything I say.”

“I could have you killed for treason.” She says, gripping the table so tight it trembles underneath my arms.

“Go ahead. We both know, deep inside, I’m just as responsible for this mess as you are. So kill me, and see whatever is left of you humanity go down with me.”

We stare at each other for a couple of seconds, no one saying anything to the other. Dalylah then leans down, shivering in anger.

“Mark my words, Aya. I will save them - all of them. Lysteria, the Empire, the whole world if I have to. And if you have anything to do with what’s happening, anything at all… I will find out. And I will make you pay.”

She then leaves in a huff, and I sigh, letting my head fall to the table.

“I honestly hope you can save everyone, Dalylah. Really. Even if you, the teen I once was, end up hating me in the end.” I mutter. “After all… I abandoned this world once too. And maybe that’s the only thing we’ll have in common.”