A Past Performance (5)

“Did you think you wouldn’t notice?”

With a snap of his fingers, the mirror disappeared. A stage rose out of the ground as the audience popped in from all sides. And in the center of it all was me – well my illusory self – dodging and weaving around the assailants of my runaway performance.

Actually looks pretty good, though there are definitely a few things I would’ve done differently…

“Of course that’s the first thing you focus on,” my persona sighed.

“...then what should I be looking at?”

“Are you seriously going to continue playing the fool?” he muttered. “Tell me, what do you think your [Creation (Illusion)] magic is?”

That’s all? “It’s just a spell that tricks a person into perceiving something that actually isn’t there.”

Ding ding ding ding ding! “Correct! It’s all fake. Although you can see, it’s not hard to peer through with mana. Although you can hear, the sounds can disappear into the background noise. Although you can feel, your hand will pass right through.

“So, let’s say, for example, one of those water balls of wind slashes collided with you? What would happen?” One of those exact spells came careening towards my illusory hand, stopping just before impact.

“...”

“Hmm? Cat got your tongue? Well, I guess I can reveal the secret. They just flew past where the stage was, heading straight towards some of the spectators.

“But how is that possible?” he continued. “The spells were obviously non-lethal, just enough to sting in case someone uninvolved got hit. Yet, that wouldn’t stop the crowd from panicking. If even one of those spells landed, your audience would’ve completely dispersed. However, there is one person who’s still missing from all this. One person to provide the missing piece of the puzzle. One person who’s supposedly not on stage.”

My persona appeared behind me, grabbing my hands, pulling me into the spotlight. “So let me ask you, my dear Jester. What were you doing during the things left unseen, or rather, the things left unsaid?”

He’s making me reveal everything, huh… I pointed towards one of the spectators, and my body naturally moved into position. The spell resumed its motion, traveling along its predetermined path until… it nailed me. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. I did block part of it by circulating my mana, but it still felt like someone threw a baseball straight into my back.

“And this isn’t the only time.” The scene changed once again, displaying the reality behind each of my shows. In one, I ran around, trying to keep others from getting caught in the blast zone. In another, my ragged clothes and bruises were clear as I walked down the street, everyone none the wiser. “As your illusion garners the attention, you work behind the scenes to make sure everything works out spectacularly. Sometimes, it only needs a little nudge, while others, you have to hide your pain. The stream may end after your performance, but the story is told from your illusive perspective, leaving out any details you think are insignificant.”

But that’s because they aren’t relevant to–

“Aren’t relevant? You say you can do nothing, but you still manage to pull off something. Even this whole charade is nothing more than guilt over the choices you’ve already made or have yet to make.”

“Then I will simply ask someone else to do it.” The scene changed once again, showing the throne room. Only the usurper king and I were there, one sitting on his throne while the other staring down from below.

“So now you know. But what will you do?” my persona reiterated, stepping out from behind my illusory self with his hands on its shoulders. “A stupid question, I must say. After all, you already knew what you were going to say the moment he asked.”

“Tell me, what is your answer?” the usurper king echoed through the empty space. My illusory self smiled, repeating the exact words I told him:

“If you give me a stage, I’ll put on a show.”

“You said that with no hesitation whatsoever, or more accurately, your mouth moved before your brain could respond. An action instead of a word.

“And so, I will ask you again, my dear Jester, why are you such a hypocrite?

“Why do only your words become paralyzed, yet not your actions?

“Why do you pretend you’re so incapable, hiding your real achievements?

“Why don’t you open your status screen?”

…I guess I have myself all figured out.

I didn’t know why I was such a bundle of contradictions.

I didn’t know why my words only partially matched my actions.

I didn’t know why I always hid my true self.

And I didn’t know what truth I was trying to avoid.

After all, even if I can see through other people’s masks, I still can’t see through my own. I couldn’t say I ever truly understood myself. The shallower details were easy to discern, but the deeper ones always eluded me. Sometimes, I even believed the illusions I showed, thinking it was for the best. The mask I wore was always on my face, littered with cracks so small it was impossible to tell what’s lying underneath.

Yet even from those glimpses, I knew who I wanted to be. Content with a sprinkle of excitement. A streamer who can entertain. Shackled and freed by my trauma. Doing what I can, regardless of if it amounts to nothing. And one day, I would like to finally take that one step… no half step… no, even the tiniest step forward.

“Is that why you haven’t turned around to face me?” In an instant, a door appeared in front of me. And in front of that was me, my finger frozen an inch away from the doorbell. The same me paralyzed by the words I told myself over and over again. I was back at the beginning, or perhaps this was the end, and the beginning of his show.

“Ugh, why do you have to be so stubborn sometimes,” I couldn’t help but mutter, giving myself a little push forward.