Divine Incompetence

"So," I said as we trudged across the hellish landscape, "do all demons have horns like these, or am I special somehow?"

Celestia looked up from where she'd been picking volcanic pebbles out of her sandals. "Oh, it varies! Some have curved ones, some have multiple sets, some have tiny little nubs." She giggled in that annoying way. "Yours are actually quite modest! Very... approachable."

"Approachable," I repeated, running a clawed finger over one of the horns jutting from my forehead. "So, I look like a friendly neighborhood demon."

"Exactly! You're not intimidating at all!" She beamed as if this were somehow a compliment.

We'd been walking for what felt like hours through this desolate wasteland of black rock and ash. The crimson sky never changed, no sun, no way to mark time, just endless twilight that made everything look like it was soaked in blood. The only landmarks were the occasional twisted spire of rock or suspicious-looking crater.

"I hope this is the right way", I said with another sigh. Even though I was mentally tired from walking this long, my body did not react the same way at all. 

And then I felt something stirring inside me, a warmth in my chest that seemed to pulse with the rhythm of my heartbeat. The sensation was alien but not unpleasant, like discovering a muscle I'd never known I had.

"Huh," I muttered, pressing a hand to my chest. "That's new."

"What's new?" Celestia asked, immediately losing interest in her pebble filled shoe.

"I think I'm starting to feel... something. Some kind of energy?" I concentrated on the sensation, trying to understand it. The warmth seemed to respond to my attention, growing stronger and spreading through my limbs.

"Oh, wonderful!" she clapped her hands excitedly. "Your demonic powers are awakening!"

I flexed my hand experimentally, and to my surprise, small sparks of dark energy, something like electricity but just black with an occasional grey and white flash crackled between my fingers. It wasn't much, but it was definitely something.

"That's amazing!" Celestia gushed, leaning closer to examine the sparks. "You're already developing elemental manipulation! Most new demons take weeks to..."

The energy suddenly flared, sending a bolt of dark lightning shooting from my palm. It struck a nearby rock formation, which exploded in a shower of dust.

"...control their power output," she finished weakly, staring at the smoldering crater where the rock used to be.

"Well," I said, examining my smoking hand with interest, "that's encouraging."

"Encouraging?" She looked at me like I'd lost my mind. "You just accidentally blew up a mountain!"

"It was hardly a mountain. More like a large rock." I tested the energy again, this time managing to produce only a few controlled sparks. "Besides, better to have too much power than too little."

"Not if you can't control it! What if you accidentally blow us up?"

"Then I guess we'll die," I said with a shrug that made her sputter indignantly. "At least it'll be quick."

"That's not funny!"

"Wasn't meant to be funny. It's called pragmatism." I started walking again, leaving her to catch up. "If I'm stuck in a demon body in the demon realm, I'd rather be a powerful demon than a weak one."

She hurried after me, her sandals slapping against the rock. "But you need to be careful! Demonic energy is unpredictable! It responds to emotion, and if you get angry or frustrated..."

"Like I am right now listening to you lecture me about powers you don't understand?" I asked, feeling the energy in my chest pulse with irritation.

"Yes, exactly like, oh no."

The dark sparks around my hand had intensified, crackling with increasing vigor. I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down, watching the energy gradually subside.

"Interesting," I mused. "So it's tied to emotion. Good to know."

"Good to know?" Celestia stared at me in horror. "Did you just experiment with potentially lethal demonic energy while I was standing right next to you?"

"Would you prefer I experiment with it while you're far away and can't warn you if something goes wrong?"

She opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, then made a frustrated noise. "That's... actually logical. I hate it when you're logical."

We continued walking, and I found myself testing my new abilities as we went. The energy seemed to have multiple applications, I could create those dark lightning bolts, strengthen my physical abilities, and even enhance my senses. It was crude and unpredictable, but it was something. Now I understand why I was not getting tired at all with this much walking.

"You're adapting remarkably well," Celestia observed after watching me successfully melt a small rock without exploding anything. "Most people would be more disturbed by suddenly having demonic powers."

"Most people haven't spent fifteen years as a mercenary," I replied. "You learn to adapt to new weapons quickly, or you die."

"Still, this is different. These are unholy energies we're talking about! Powers drawn from the very essence of the demonic realm itself!"

I looked at her incredulously. "Are you seriously trying to make me feel bad about having the means to protect us?"

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad! I'm just saying you should be more... I don't know, conflicted about it?"

"Why would I be conflicted about being able to defend myself?"

"Because you're supposed to be earning redemption! Using demonic powers might count against you!"

I stopped walking and turned to face her. "Let me get this straight. You accidentally turned me into a demon and stranded me in the demon realm, but you think I should feel guilty about using the abilities that come with the body you gave me?"

"Well, when you put it like that..."

"That's exactly how I'm putting it," I said firmly. "I didn't choose to be a demon. You made me one! So I'm going to use every advantage this form gives me to survive, and if that interferes with your bookkeeping, that's your problem to solve! And if I somehow got eternal damnation, I'm dragging you with me!"

She pouted, her lower lip jutting out in a way that would have been adorable if it weren't so annoying. "You don't have to be so mean about it."

"I'm not being mean. I'm being realistic."

"Same thing, lately," she muttered.

I was about to respond when I noticed something moving in the distance, several dark shapes against the red sky, growing larger as they approached. I squinted, trying to make them out.

"Company," I said, pointing toward the approaching figures.

Celestia followed my gaze, then immediately brightened. "Oh, wonderful! Other people! I'll introduce us!"

Before I could stop her, she cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted at the top of her lungs: "HELLO THERE! WE'RE TRAVELERS IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE! I'M A GODDESS AND THIS IS MY DEMON COMPANION!"

I stared at her in absolute horror. "Did you just announce to a group of unknown demons that you're a divine being?"

She blinked, apparently not seeing the problem. "Well, yes? It's always best to be honest in first meetings. My Divine Communication instructor always said..."

I slapped her.

It wasn't hard, but more of a sharp tap to get her attention but the sound echoed across the wasteland like a gunshot. She stood there, one hand pressed to her cheek, staring at me with wide green eyes.

"You... you hit me," she said in shock. "I'm a goddess! You can't hit a goddess a and a girl! "

"Watch me," I said coldly. "You just potentially signed our death warrants by announcing your nature to a group of demons we know nothing about. In the demon realm. Where divine beings are generally considered enemies."

"But... but I was being friendly!"

"You were being stupid!" I grabbed her arm and started pulling her toward a cluster of rocks that might provide cover. "Friendly doesn't mean anything if they decide to capture you for whatever demons do to captured goddesses!"

As we moved, I got a better look at our approaching visitors. They were definitely demons larger than me, with more pronounced horns and what appeared to be crude weapons. Their body language suggested they were indeed coming to investigate Celestia's shouted announcement.

"This is all your fault," I hissed as we crouched behind the rocks.

"My fault? You're the one who hit me!"

"I hit you because you did something catastrophically stupid! There's a difference!"

She crossed her arms defiantly. "I was trying to establish diplomatic relations!"

"With demons! In the demon realm! While announcing you're their natural enemy!"

"Well, maybe if you'd explained the local customs..."

"I did! I specifically told you not to do anything that screams 'goddess' to every demon in the area!"

"You said no divine light shows or miracle working! You didn't say anything about basic introductions!"

I rubbed my temples, feeling a headache building. "I shouldn't have to explain that announcing yourself as a goddess to demons is a bad idea. That should be obvious to anyone with half a brain!"

"Are you saying I don't have half a brain?"

I ignored her and sigh, with my anger boiling, I cannot have our positions being revealed because of my skills.

The approaching demons were getting closer now, and I could hear them calling to each other in what sounded like questions about the goddess they'd heard, in a new language that I somehow now understand. We needed to move, but Celestia was still sitting there looking offended.

"Come on," I said, standing up. "We're leaving."

"I'm not going anywhere with someone who thinks violence solves everything!"

"Fine." I shrugged and started walking away. "Stay here and explain to those demons why a goddess is wandering around their territory. I'm sure they'll be very understanding."

"You can't just leave me!"

"Watch me."

I made it about ten steps before I felt her grab onto my leg. I looked down to find Celestia wrapped around my calf like a particularly divine koala, her face pressed against my knee.

"Please don't leave me!" she wailed. "I'm sorry I announced I was a goddess! I just thought honesty was the best policy!"

"Honesty is a luxury we can't afford right now," I said, trying to shake her off. "Let go."

"No! If you leave me here, they'll capture me and do horrible things!"

"Then maybe you should have thought of that before you shouted our business to the entire demon realm!"

"I said I was sorry!"

"Sorry doesn't fix stupid!"

I started walking again, dragging her along behind me. She maintained her grip on my leg with surprising tenacity for someone who claimed divine status, her body bouncing and scraping against the rocky ground as I moved.

"This is undignified!" she protested, still clinging to my calf.

"So is getting us both killed because you can't keep your mouth shut!"

"I can learn! I can be better!"

"Prove it by letting go and walking like a normal person!"

"Promise you won't abandon me!"

I sighed, looking back at the demons who were now definitely heading in our direction. We were making terrible time with Celestia attached to my leg like a divine anchor.

"Fine," I said through gritted teeth. "I promise I won't abandon you, for now. Now let go before those demons catch up to us."

She released my leg and scrambled to her feet, brushing dirt and ash off her torn dress. "You mean it? You won't leave me behind?", clearly ignoring my "for now."

"I won't leave you behind, for now" I confirmed, then added, "but if you do something that stupid again, I reserve the right to tie you up and drag you."

"That's... actually fair," she admitted, falling into step beside me as we picked up our pace.

"Come on," I said, pointing toward what looked like structures in the distance. "I think I see buildings up ahead."

"And if they ask who we are?"

"Leave the talking to me. No matter what happens, you're just my companion. Nothing more."

"But what if someone recognizes my divine nature?"

"Then I leave you there."

As we approached the settlement, Celestia was already fidgeting nervously. I had a sinking feeling this was going to go badly.

"Try not to say anything stupid," I muttered.

"I don't say stupid things!"

I gave her a look.

"...I'll try to say fewer stupid things," she amended.