Cleaning Doody to fulfill my Duty!

Speaking of Duties, I now stand in front of my morning job. That being latrine duty, “Ahhh, the fresh smell of our communal cesspool” I say in an attempt to psych myself up. I know what you’re thinking, “EWW GROSS! This guy loves hanging around in the crapper” and on that note let me ask you something. DO YOU THINK I WANNA BE HERE! The quick answer is Hell No, but someone has to take one for the team and I was chosen. Before you try to pull out my thief handbook against me(you backstabbing shrew!), let me indulge you, this is all for the sake of my training!

You might wonder what cleaning a bathroom has to do with being a thief, well that’s why you my friend are my student. Rule #21 of being a thief, always garner favor! By doing this job and not making a fuss about it, it tells the boss man that I’m the kinda guy to get his dirty work done. Rule #24 of being a thief, get the job done well! If I do a good enough job here that will show the boss man that when it comes to gigs, I have proper hands.

Then there's the training purposes, this might be too soon but I think it’s time to introduce some rules from the forties... What’s that I already mentioned Rule #97 twenty minutes ago, WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME! So much for being secretive, now then Rule #42 of being a thief is to not get grossed out easily. If you can’t deal with crap then tell me, how are you gonna deal with finding a dead body?

Rule #47 of being a thief, come to appreciate the uses that crap offers. Let’s say you’re in a barnhouse scuffle, some buffed out ranch hand beats the crap outta you and you fall over into some cow manure. The massive turd starts laughing at you, so what do you do? You turn his quick laugh into an inside joke, “HEY UGLY, LET’S SEE HOW YOU LAUGH WHEN YOU GOT A FACE FULL OF S***!”. That’s when you scoop up some manure, make sure to grab some of the wet feces so it sticks together well, and CHUCK IT AT HIM! Let’s see who’s laughing now you bucking bronco!

Since I already spoiled the 90s, I shouldn’t really care about keeping the higher numbers secret now should I? Rule #51 of being a thief, always be prepared to run in crap! I long for the day where it all goes down, I’m escaping some busybodies and have nowhere to run. Then I look down only to find a sewer grate! I jump into the sewers, and make my way out through the S*** PIPE!

“God I can’t wait for the big time”, I thought to myself as I finished wiping down the floors. Now for the most crucial part, the crap pot! First I need to take the pole and push it all down, then I need to wipe the bowl clean. This is it, the Big Bonanza! I’ll make sure these privies are cleaned down to the last spot! Even if it means using my own tongue!

I grabbed the pole in order to push down any build up, and just when I was about to commence I heard something.

“--hehehehehehe”

I couldn’t make out the first part, but I started to hear snickering and then it happened. I felt a sharp prick on my right ass cheek.

“YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!”

It wasn’t that painful, I was more scared than anything. Then I heard the voice of the perpetrator, “Ha, I got you didn’t I Thief”. I put on my best smile as I prepare to respond, even though my eyes are shouting I’m gonna gut you.

“Of course it was you, what the hell are you doing her rat”

Rat is another member of our motley crew. As his name implies he’s short, has white hair(in a mohawk), and his pupils are red. He usually wears a wolf pelt so we notice him, but this stunt also manages to scare the crap out of everyone during the morning. That said, what does this little ass pricker want?

“First Jasmine and now you, why is everyone on my case today?”

“Hey man, no hard feelings. I was just bored-”

“SO YOU GIVE MY REAREND A LITTLE PECK! Speaking of which, what the hell did you poke me with?”

Rat smiles and raises his two beady hands in front my him, like a child showing off a picture.

“Check out these babies!”

“LOCK PICKS, ARE YOU F***ING SERIOUS!”

Rat is our resident lock pick artisan. He knows how to fashion them, and he can use them damn well two. I continue my work and decide to chat to my small friend here, after all Rule #25 of being a thief is to have friends in small places. As for why I befriended this guy, well it’s pretty obvious.

“I guess my demonstration got a bit outta hand, still you must appreciate the sharpness right?”

“Heh, clever bastard! Damn right they’ll get the job done!”

I stop my work for a moment and receive the lock pick that Rat made for me. That’s right, my friendship gives me unlimited skeleton keys(as long as Rat has the materials). After stowing away the goods in my pants pocket, I decide to give my little buddy a well deserved snack.

“I managed to get the goods, Chef rocked my cranium for them though.”

“You got some nuts! GIMME!”

Rat also got his name due to his love for nuts and other small snacks. That’s an easy way to this guy's heart. After chatting with him for a while I find myself finishing up. “Beautiful if I do say so myself”, I find myself impressed with my own work and that’s when Rat interjects.

“By the way, what are you doing?”

“Oh? Morning duty, you should know that already Rat. Don’t tell me those are bad nuts.”

“I know that, I meant why are you spending so much time on things like this.”

“Easy! By doing this stuff the boss is sure to notice me and give me a nod!”

“You really think the boss is gonna see you as someone with merit by cleaning the crapper?”

I stopped for a moment to think, I want boss Moe to entrust me with more work. I want him to acknowledge my efforts, but I haven’t gone on a single bandit raid yet. Here I am bald, scarred, and wearing a vagrant's garb(bandana, muscle shirt, holey pants, and leather boots) and the boss still hasn’t noticed me.

“...”

“Uh? Are you okay?”

“...”

“...hehe, 3.2.1…”

“GGGGGGOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAMMMMMMIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!”

I’m a thief not a janitor! WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING!

“There’s my hungry wolf!”

“Thanks wolf, and why didn’t you tell me earlier.”

“Because watching you chase your tail is hilarious.”

One of these days you misty eyed midget, one of these days. Still what am I gonna do, I wanna be like one of the four great thieves, but right now I’m a total grunt! That’s okay though, because I have a plan.

“-Imma ask him.”

“Huh?”

“I’m going to ask, no I’m going to plead with the boss to let me out in the field.”

“You really think that’s gonna work?”

“I’ll leverage latrine duty if I need to, I need to steal something!”

Me and Rat leave the latrines as we continue to chat, but I end up bumping into a wall. That’s strange? There wasn’t a wall there before.

“What the hell did I bump into?”

“Uh Thief, look up.”

I look up and see a mountain of a man standing in front of me. A well made build, dark red hair, hazy orange eyes, and protected by well made leather armor. This man can be a foundation for a house and as scary as it is to admit it, I know this guy.

“...”

“...”

We both stare at each other silently, then we pull both our arm back and shoot them forward…

...Into a hearty handshake!

“Aye, Steve! How ya been?”

“Sup Thief, still licking latrine pots I see.”

“Ha! Bite me you lazy backed behemoth!”

“You’re just mad because I don’t need to climb trees. That said, I managed to find some apple ale in the pantry while Chef was preoccupied, want some?

Apple Ale, a nice cold beverage that reminds me of a simpler time. However I must fight my urges.

“I’m sorry my tall friend, but I refuse!”

“Aw shucks, that’s a first.”

“Sorry pal, I realized I’ve been wasting my time all this time! Now I need to beg the boss to let me heist!”

“Oh S***! You better hurry then, the boss and the other heads are gathering for a meeting.”

“Oh crap! Thanks for the heads up, see ya!”

I gave my goodbyes then speed down the hall, you’re also probably asking yourselves how I managed to get our group’s gentle giant on my goodside. Well all you need to know is that Rule #27 of being a thief is to make friends who are as big as bears. That’s said, I better get moving.

****

It became quiet with just the two of Thief’s friends standing there.

“So what did he trade you this time?”

“I got some nuts, the good ones too!”

“You got a glass of ale with your name on it if you supply me with a pre-beer snack.”

“Deal!”

“Alright, looks like we- Oh crap.”

“What’s up biggs”

“Rat we may have a problem, I forgot to warn Thief that that guy is back again…”