Fun times in the forest

The time is morning, tree branches are rustling, you can hear fish jumping out the creek, and my right hand still hurts like a bitch. Hello friends, it’s your good ol’ pal Thief! It’s been two days since we escaped that filed heist, you’d think we’re back at Fort Lenora right? WRONG! It’s apart of our protocol, if the heist goes wrong and there’s danger of being pursued, we need to stay in the forest until we’re sure we lost them. That said, we haven’t lost these bastards yet. I mean COME ON! DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO! We even had to use s*** to throw them off our trail. Which involved us finding the cesspool the bears around here use and dipping a heavily sedated Rich in them. Jasmine had to numb him with poison so he would keep screaming, now he can only do ahems and nuh-uhs. I prefer this change in all honesty, however the stink plan failed when one of the knights smelled Rich and questioned it.

“Wait, why is the smell of s*** so strong out here! The cesspool is back there!”

We had to bolt outta there, Steve then stripped Rich and dro-BATHED! He bathed him in the stream close to our escape point. Thankfully Rich’s wounds didn’t get infected despite the exposure he’s had, the ointment Jasmine brought just in case was a real help. That said, It’s about time we should talk about our losses. Of the forty of us that went into this raid, only ten of us survived. The survivors being Me, Steve, Rich, Bandit A, Bandit B, Bandit C, Bandit P, Bandit T, Bandit Z, and Kenny. What? Did you expect another Bandit letter combo?

Anyhoo, here we are sitting in the grass trying to plan our next move. Steve is spearheading most of the talk.

“I don’t know about you guys, but we need to get back to base. You already know I love smashing knight heads more than anyone else, but I don’t want to put your guys at risk for that. We need to fall back to the fort and-”

“NOW WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE!”

Oh great, Kenny is being Kenny again. Kenny is the lone wolf of the group, when I was helping the guys during the raid he was the only one to not appreciate my help. On top of the fact that he hates working with others and hates seeing people hold a higher position than he does. Due to Rich being on the mend, he probably wanted to take over as de facto leader. Which is intriguing because he has no leadership qualities whatsoever. Let’s see what this nut has to say.

“You guys, don’t listen to this muscle head! Those bastards killed our friends, and are hunting us in our own territory. I say let’s hunt them instead, if we go after them now we can win. Our numbers are just about even, and we know this forest better than anyone. Tell me what’s the harm in trying?”

“The harm is that, no one knows the situation besides us and possibly Reginald if he found danger on his end. We gotta get back to warn the group, unless you think we can survive at the fort against an army of the kingdom’s elites?”

“Uh, well…”

Damn, Steve really doesn’t mince words. However, we got to stop bickering and get with the program. Time to interject!

“Hey you guys, I have a-”

“WHY THE F*** ARE YOU TALKING!”

“Huh?”

Of course, when he couldn’t beat Steve verbally instead he came for me.

“After your pathetic performance out there! Tell me, who the hell fights so poorly against a knight barely out of training. Now you want to act like you got something to say, sound like horse s*** if you ask me.”

“Ahem Ahem.”

“GUH!!!!”

Rich you bastard, I know you don’t agree with him! After I made you the star of the show you betrayed me like this! However, I didn’t need to worry for long.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“What the hell is so funny!”

“You really don’t know how to read the room.”

“WHAT!”

Here comes Steve to defend my honor!

“Sure Thief was pathetic in that fight-”

YOU PIECE OF S***!

“...But he did it on purpose!”

MY MAN I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU! Everyone starts looking puzzled at Steve’s idea, but some start to ponder and even nod at his claim.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ON PURPOSE! Who makes an ass of them self on purpose and for what reason?”

“Remember what Thief did before he got into that fight, he was laying down cover fire to keep us alive.”

“Yeah, your point?”

“So when he got preoccupied and couldn’t snipe anymore, he had to try a different approach.”

“What’re you-WAIT! You don’t mean...!”

“That’s right, to you he was making an ass of himself, in reality he was drawing attention to himself. Giving us time to recover, and reposition!”

“Wait what! That’s just some convenient excuse, there’s no way!”

It looks like Steve set my stage, and you can guarantee that I’m gonna perform. I started clapping to get everyone’s attention, Kenny didn’t like that one bit.

“What the hell are you doing!?!”

“Applauding my friend for realizing my true intentions, that’s right I made a fool of myself on purpose to save you all! I called it, Operation Fool's Gambit!”

“YOU EXPECT US TO BEL-”

“Well, he was helping us survive when we could.”

“Steve even picked up his signs, it was a plan!”

“His actions spared me, I thought I was gonna die!”

“...Nuh-uh.”

Everyone supported me, from the fired up Bandit A to the timid Bandit T. Although Rich tried to refute the situation, but right now no one understands him. SUCK IT BALDY! As for Kenny, he’s still trying to argue.

“No that can’t be true!”

“It is true, just like his so-called rules, this was one of Thief’s what if scenarios.”

“No that’s-But WHY!”

“Because that’s what teamwork is dude, you stumble so others can survive. Look, you're even here because of it.”

Kenny couldn’t respond after that, he just started looking at the ground. That’s when I made my announcement.

“Alright you guys, Listen up! I got an idea that can get us outta this!”

“Whatcha thinkin’ Thief!”

“I say we should leave someone behind to distract those bastards, while the rest escape back to base!”

Everyone went silent, even Rich couldn’t refute what I just said. We needed to get back to the base at all cost, the only way for that to be handled is if someone took one for the team. I think everyone was terrified at being nominated. Steve spoke to break the tension.

“Thief, is there someone you had in mind to stay behind?”

“Of course, it’s only natural that I, the person who proposed this, am the one to do it!”

“...!”

Steve was shocked, in fact everyone was. They were probably thinking we’d draw lots, but instead I took it upon myself. I could hear some members sigh in relief, even Rich who was the most likely candidate said “Ahem!” to that. However, Steve wasn’t having it.

“Listen buddy, you must be stupid because THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL I’M LETTING MY BEST BUDDY-”

*clap*

Everyone looked to see who just clapped, some drew their daggers in case we got found. Upon turning to see the perpetrator, we notice Jasmine standing there with a giggling Rat. How does she always get the drop on us? Steve was the first to start talking to her.

“Oh Jas you’re back, what did Moe say?”

“...”

“Wait, he said the same plan Thief came up with!”

Damn, looks like two great minds really do think alike. Steve looks defeated though, I’m one of the only guys who talks to him normally, it’s no surprise he’s trying to protect me.

“Don’t worry man, once I get back i’ll tell you my tales of how I kicked some knight ass.”

“Thief, I’m sorry buddy.”

“Don’t sweat it.”

Steve can’t help but look like a funeral just started, not gonna lie I’m scared to. However, this is the perfect opportunity to follow Rule #21 and get some favors. Despite things being tense Jasmine interjected.

“...”

“Wait, the boss isn’t sending anyone on a suicide mission?”

“That’s not all, you’re not going alone, I’m going with ya!”

It looks like we spoke too soon, Jasmine and Rat explained Moe’s plan to us. He had Mitch make some specialized bombs in order to drive off the enemies, the plan is to spread these and then make a hasty escape. It’s gonna be tight, but it just might work. Everyone nods to one another and after some brief planning we commence Operation Knight Out!

****

“You better keep your promise, I expect to hear that you kicked one knight’s ass!”

“You better live, you guys!”

“Better you than me!”

“Ahem!”

After saying their goodbyes, Steve and the others left. Jasmine, on the other hand, standed behind for a moment.

“...”

“What’s up Jasmine?”

“...”

“Wait! Are you sure you should be giving me this?”

“...”

“It’s a loan so I better pay it back? Alright I guess I can make it happen.”

“....”

After giving me one of her throwing knives, Jasmine leaped into the trees above. Always a spectacle, I wonder if she can teach me how to do that.

“Hehehehe.”

“What’s so funny, Rat?”

“She must have a soft spot for you, Thief.”

“Huh!?! Like hell she does!”

Rat continued to prod and bully me as we retraced our steps to re-encounter the knights.