Don't Anger the Forest Gods

Well here we are, the moment of truth! If anything goes wrong here, Rat or I will die. S***, depending on the situation both of us may die. That said, let’s go out swinging.

“Well that’s odd.”

“What?”

“By now you would’ve said something stupid.”

“Ha, very funny! If this fails the both of us will be killed. I think anyone would be tense at this moment!”

Rat starts teasing me like usual, probably to lower the tension we’re feeling. I’ll give him credit where it’s due, instead of sending a different schmuck out here with me, Rat decided to walk alongside his buddy to his possible death. That’s the kinda partner you need as a low-life, right when I thought that, Rat opened his mouth to speak again.

“Well at least there’s a bright side to this.”

“What bright side?”

“If we make it back in one peace, we’ll have the respect of the entire gang at our backs!”

“Well well well, I like the sound of that.”

Like I said, Rat is my perfect partner. He knows exactly what I’m thinking before I even finish my thoughts. As I continued to compliment Rat in my mind, we started to hear voices close by. Immediately we hid in the brush and kept our eyes trained on where the voices were coming from. Looks like it’s showtime!

****

There they were, the seven knights that have followed the group all this way. As members of Captain Goltas’ platoon, each member underwent rigorous training and survival courses. However, despite each member being prepared for forest combat, most of the members of this group weren’t doing so well.

“Goddammit, how long are we gonna be in this damned forest.”

“I want to go back and rest at camp.”

“*sigh* These survival rations are gonna start giving me the runs.”

Six of this small detachment squad were at their wits end. They’ve been hit in the face by tree branches, bitten by mosquitoes, latched on by leeches, and even had to down a few bears. It hasn’t been a fun experience at all for these men. However, there was one thing they had in common.

“It’s because of them, this is their fault.”

“This hell will end when we kill those bastards.”

“I wonder if their flesh tastes better than the rations we have left.”

They all had fire in their eyes, each member wanting to see the bandits cut down. For the sake of their fallen brothers, to get revenge for being forced out here, and especially due to the fact that they were low on food. Everyone was about to reach their breaking point, all except one of them anyway.

*clap clap clap*

The knights all turned to see the man walking behind them, clapping at their performance.

“That’s the spirit, let your hatred for those bastards fuel you! For the sake of the Captain, let’s see this all through to the end.”

The man began walking to the front, only to hear a sigh from one of the people behind him. The outlier began to make his thoughts known.

“Hey dude, shouldn’t we just go back? It’s almost been three days and we haven’t found anyone. Let’s just cut our losses and head back. I think I’m starting to hear things.”

“Now see that’s the difference between us.”

“What?”

The man turned around and began to lecture his compatriot.

“A real knight wouldn’t throw in the towel at a dead end, I real knight would push forward and dig right through it. Even if we can’t find those guys, the least we can do is find Fort Lenora. It’s been ages so we can’t even pinpoint the location with a map, but if we find that fort we win the game. See that, while you all are ready to throw in the towel, I’m thinking ahead. This is what it takes to be a full fledged knight, and what will lead to me taking over as captain one day!”

The man smirked thinking he got through to them, only to be met with more sighs and whispers.

(Why did we follow this guy in here?)

(Why did Captain Goltas take this wackjob in?)

(Where did this nut get all that energy?)

The six members in this group of seven began asking these questions to one another, while the braggart in front didn’t notice at all. What they did notice was the sound of a branch snapping.

“WHO’S THERE!”

“SHOW YOURSELF!”

Every knight now had a hand on their sword, they were all panicked due to a lack of rest. It was safe to assume they all reached their breaking point, just then a squirrel came out from the bushes and ran away. They all had a collective sigh of relief.

“I guess it was a false alar-”

Before the knight could finish speak, the group began to hear chuckling from the tree tops.

“Hehehehehehehe”

“AAAHHHHH!!!!!”

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!!”

The knights began to panic, even more so because the laughter was coming from multiple directions. First it’s from the tree tops, then in the bushes, then right behind them. The knights were hungry, sleep deprived, and terrified of the forest as is. Now they on the verge of breaking.

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!!”

One of the knights threw his sword and began to panic, only for their supposed leader to start talking again.

“DON’T FALTER! IT’S A TRICK, DON’T LET THE ENEMY BREAK YOU!”

For once the group listened to him for a moment, and started to calm down. However, that was short lived.

“A trick? You think this divine intervention is a trick, death awaits you mortals!”

“What!?!”

The knights looked terrified the moment they heard the phrase “Divine Intervention”. Just the the mysterious voice began to speak again.

“You fools! The other day you did something unforgivable, you killed the guardian beast of Lenore forest!”

“We’ve done no such thing, Oh Great Forest Spirit! We assure you!”

One of the knights stepped forward, he had some kind of trinket in hand. Perhaps he was of the devout sort, henceforth why he stepped forward to handle this. However, the spirit was still angry!

“Remember that bear you killed the other day?”

“...Which bear?”

“Heh, that’s what I expected to hear. WHAT THE F*** DO YOU MEAN WHICH BEAR! THE ONE THAT WAS FISHING OUT THE POND YESTERDAY!”

“Oh god, I think he means South Paw!”

Despite killing the poor bear, the knights honored him by naming him based on his features. Due to the birthmark on its back left paw, they nicknamed him South Paw. All the while, the spirit wasn’t happy with their answer.

“South paw? His name isn’t South Paw! His name was Jeffry!”

“Oh! I’m so sorry Gre-”

“HE WAS MY SON!”

“OH DEAR GOD!”

The knights were petrified for a moment realizing their mistake, however that’s when they questioned it.

“Wait, how does that work?”

“Look, a fine lass got lost in the forest one day. So I took my human form and led her to my cottage to give her directions. It was raining hard that night, and it was so cold. However, she was so warm...Anyway, after that she stayed and became one with nature and our child being one with nature was a spirit beast. Why are you lunatics so interested in my love life?”

“...Wouldn’t the baby be a spirit though-”

“If Neptune’s wife can s*** out a kraken, a nature bitch can s*** out a bear. Happy now?”

“YES SIR!”

The knights were even more terrified now, however all they could do was buy time.

“Uh, where’s your wife right now?”

“She’s in the grass.”

“What!”

“WWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The knights looked mortified, some covered their ears, one even peed. No one could locate where the noise was coming from. Then it happened.

“OW! Something stabbed my foot-WAIT A MINUTE!”

“YOU SONS OF BITCHES!”

The knights froze, then slowly looked towards the grass on the ground.

“YOU KILLED MY BABY!”

“OH MY GOD, I’M SO SORRY!”

The devout amongst the knights began to fall to his knees and pray for their forgiveness.

“In the name of the goddess of creation, Materia-”

“WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING!”

“Huh!?!”

The Devout sprung up and fell on his rear in shock, he didn’t expect the forest spirit to be angered by his actions.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“YES YOU DID! MATERIA! ARE YOU INSANE! FOREST SPIRITS WORSHIP THE GODDESS MINEVA! SHE RAISED US ALL OFF HER OWN TIT! YOU BROUGHT ANOTHER GODDESS INTO MY MOMMAS HOUSE!”

“Nice going Rudolph, WE’RE F***ED NOW!”

“GODS! *Sniff* I’M SO SORRY, I DIDN’T KNOW!”

“You didn’t know when you killed my son, you didn’t know my son’s family is now without a father, and you had the nerve to disrespect Lady Mineva in her own territory. FOOLS TODAY YOU WILL LEARN YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED!”

“Wait just a minute!”

As the knights cowered in fear, the prideful one of the bunch finally broke his silence. He stared into the trees, and questioned the spirit.

“You claim to be so powerful, well let’s see it!”

“Of course boy, I WAS PLANNING TOO!”

“What!?!”

Suddenly, a strange mist began to spread through the forest. The knights began to panic again, even that prideful braggart went silent. Suddenly, one of the knights began to scream.

“AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY LOINS! I CAN”T FEEL MY LOINS!”

The knights went stone faced as they turned to their compatriot and saw he was holding his coin purse. The poor sod began to whimper, it was like watching a puppy in pain. However, the forest spirits couldn’t help but laugh and the Great Forest Spirit broke the silence.

“It seems you’ve noticed.”

“NOTICED WHAT!”

“To make up for you taking from nature, you have no choice but to become one with nature.”

“WHAT!!?!?!?!?!”

“YOU WON’T NEED YOUR BALLS WHERE YOUR GOING! Oh, and don’t worry. I’LL MAKE SURE THE WOLVES KNOW TO HUMP YOU WHEN YOU ALL TURN TO TREES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Great Tree Spirit and his wife let out wild laughter, as the knights began to all panic and run back the way they came.

“Wait, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING!”

“WE’RE OUTTA HERE MAN, SCREW THIS! I SWEAR I’M GOING TO CHURCH WHEN THIS IS OVER!”

“Oh, then might I recomm-”

“NOT YOUR’S RUDOLPH!!!!!!!!!”

The knights ran off screaming, all the while one of them remained.

“This doesn’t make any sense, if the spirits of the forest are angry then wouldn’t that anger be directed at the thieves and not us?”

The knight kept a cool head as he combed his fingers through his orange hair, trying to figure out what was really happening. That when he saw it, a needle on the ground. He picked it up and then remembered something.

OW! Something stabbed my foot-

Immediately the pieces of the puzzle came together, leaving him with only one thing to say.

“Gotcha!”

****

Me and Rat couldn’t help but laugh, these idiots really fell for it.

“That was awesome! Sorry you had to play the wife Rat!”

“No worries, it was worth it! That said, how do you know so much about religion?”

“Oh, just some random stuff I read in a book before.”

“...You know how to read?”

“Be quiet you little weasel!”

Me and Rat continued to laugh about the fleeing knights, then prepared for the second phase of our plan.

“Well, time for act two of our play. Hold the line Thief, in case any of those bastards escape this way.”

“No worries, though I doubt anyone would come rushing back after that performance.”

“True! Alright, time to get down to business! I can't wait to see them squirm!”

Saying that Rat ran in the same direction the knights went, moving through the brush. I began to giggle again remembering our prank, funny how the books back home helped me out here. However, I stopped thinking to myself when I felt a chill done my spine. I jumped to the right, only to see a long sword swinging down from behind my back. The bastard who swung it was the same Orange haired twat I saw leading the knights after us, he stared at me with his gold eyes. Like he was trying to look deep into my soul, and that when I heard him say it.

“Well, looks like I wasn’t wrong. Hello thief, how would you like to be the first page in my legend.”