Embers that move adrift

It was a quiet yet tense night at the border patrol base. At first the border patrol was grateful to have the opportunity to help the squad of a military legend. However, things changed when their bandit extermination mission ended with losses. The once starry eyed knights now saw the knights of the Gray Scabbards as freeloaders. With the knights of gray still licking their wounds and heavy hearted from grief, they weren’t in any state to defend themselves. The story you’re about to hear involves six of the Gray Scabbards members, ones that stand at a crossroad.

****

“Gggauuuuhhhh!”

This is the third time today, I've vomited again. Everytime I think about that forest and how terrified I was, the sensation of that needle pricking my foot. The feeling of impending dread makes me lose everything in my stomach, even though I know it was a trick by those crooks. How could human beings like me do something so foul, I’m almost scared of my own reflection man. I can’t help but sigh as I take my head out the latrine, I then begin to walk back to my room. However I couldn’t help but hear a jeer from the person behind me.

“There goes the gastric fountain…!”

“What?”

I turn to see four guys talking amongst themselves, I turn back to walk away. Only to hear those asses laughing behind me. I hate it here, the guys here see us as laughing stocks! Why did this have to happen! Lamenting this I made it back to my room, only to hear my roommate losing it again. I walk in to see him screaming, and holding his face.

“AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY FACE! My flesh, it’s burning! Someone! ANYONE! SAVE MY FACE! MOMMA!”

“PHILIP! Calm down man, we’re at the border patrol base! We’re safe now.”

“...O-Oh! Oh gods, it happened again. Dammit, Donny, what am I gonna do?”

My roommate is Philip, he’s one of the nice guys of our band, as well as someone obsessed with looks. I’ve been trying to help him cheer up, besides getting myself back in order.

“Come on bud, you gotta control-”

“CONTROL! WHAT CONTROL, YOU THINK I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER MY LIFE! LOOK AT MY FACE!”

Philip’s once handsome face now had a terrible burn on it, if you could even call it that. It’s like his skin was melted, like the wax on a candle. I don’t even know if a mother could love that face, speaking of Philip’s a bit of a momma’s boy. Knowing that momma’s little man lost his cute wittle face must’ve come off as a shock to him. Now he’s starting to lose his ego, if only we wiped that oil off his face before it ignited. That stuff was too strong, it’s a miracle we even survived at all. Still, are we even surviving? I picked up the mirror that belongs to Philip and saw my trembling face. I’m not the same man that swore I’d die a knight, I lost my sense of being.

“Gods be damned, F***!”

I crushed the mirror in my hand, that grabbed Philip’s attention and he began to shake in fear at what just happened. I then realized I broke a mirror that didn’t even belong to me.

“...Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

I could only mumble a fast apology out my mouth, I was so embarrassed for losing myself like that. Philip said it was fine, but he’s clearly sad. That mirror was a reminder of home, a place he may never be able to return to. Despite me thinking he might hate me, Philip broke the silence and sparked a conversation.

“Hey Donny, are you sure you wanna do it?”

“Do what?”

“Leave the Gray Scabbards.”

“...”

Yeah I made up my mind, as I am now, I can no longer be a knight. To be able to fight alongside my brothers, I need a clear mind and a calm body. However, in my mind a war is being waged and my body trembles from the feel of my own shadow. I can’t stand by my brothers like this, those bastards took away the one thing that mattered to me. However, I hid my inner conflict and continued my talk with Philip.

“Yeah, I’m leaving. The same with you right?”

“Yeah, even the guys can’t look me in the eye anymore. I can’t blame them, at least I know my mom won’t abandon me. I’ll go back home to support her flower shop, just didn’t think I’d retire to be a florist so soon.”

“Sounds good, I’m sure your mother would be happy to have her son back in the house.”

“What about you Donny, I remember you mentioned wanting to give religion a try.”

“...Yeah that’s right.”

I used to not give much of a crap about that stuff, but I need an anchor so I’ll start there. Luckily I found the perfect place for me. Before I could respond, Philip began speaking again.

“So did you think of one to join yet, will you give Materia a try?”

“No I’m not worshipping the same god that sissy Rudolph worships, I'm joining the Proximus religion.”

“THE CULT!”

I can understand Philip’s panic, the Proximus religion is looked down on. They believe that men through suffering can achieve godhood, a religion built not off worshipping gods but men. After all my suffering, I wouldn’t mind getting some nice vixens worshipping me and grovelings at my feet. I started smiling just thinking of it, but Philip began trembling again. I grabbed him by the shirt collar, and told him straight.”

“Why would I worship the god that created the people who hurt me, who hurt you. Why would I worship her to regain what she stole from me, she’s no different than them! I can only trust myself, so I’m gonna worship myself. You got that?”

“...yes!”

Good, the little bastard understands. At least now he’ll keep his mouth suit and not snitch, the last thing I need is the guys on my ass trying to stop me from doing this. Still, I’m gonna miss those days, the days when I felt safe.

****

“Jeez I get that it’s the speciality around here, but if I eat another apple something, I’m gonna turn into a horse!”

It's been a day or so since the Captain got the border patrol to take us back to their base to rest. If things keep up like this we should be ready for the trek back home soon. As I thought that, I heard strange murmurs coming from the room next to me. It was his room.

“Don’t tell me, this f***ing guy!”

I knocked the door open to see Rudolph, butt ass naked, and sitting in a pot of boiling water.

“Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgive me, Materia forgiv-”

“WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING!”

I grabbed the bastard and tossed his soaked body on his bed.

“Why did you stop me Terry?”

“SHUT UP RUDOLPH! And put some pants on, your wallets out!”

“OH!”

I turned away while holding my head, jeez why’d I have to pull a naked guy out his torture session. Everyone’s so on edge, we’re all acting out of it. Thank god his taints away at least, and like a son getting caught red handed he starts speaking.

“Are you up-”

“HELL YEAH I’M UPSET WITH YOU! Sure your burns were minor, but are you trying to die! Jackass!”

“Sorry, I just wanted to punish myself. Materia must hate me for giving me such an ordeal.”

“Like hell she does!”

“What?”

“Materia wouldn’t ask you to punish yourself over a mistake, she’s benevolent right! So there’s no way she’d want you to hurt yourself.”

“Oh my goddess! I’ve been such a fool!”

The idiot began weeping, I couldn’t help but sigh. Why am I so active today, I guess that guy rubbed off on me. While thinking that Rudolph talked between his sobs.

“I-I just don’t know what to do anymore! To think I fell for that bandit’s lies, to think I doubted my lady’s presence. How can I call myself a disciple of Materia when my belief in her power is so fickle!”

He began to self-deprecate again, so I smacked him upside the head and told him to get it together. He began to wisen up after that, he also asked me a question.

“Hey Terry, could you tell me why?”

“What?”

“Why do you want to stay in the knights so vehemently now? Especially when you were trying to find a reason to quit before, what’s your deal?”

I can understand what he means, after sickness took my father, my family was going through a hard time. I tried holding a job to care for everyone, but nothing held in the end. The depression from losing work made me lazy, so much so that I didn’t care about helping my family anymore. It got so bad that my mother got sick handling things alone, but I still didn’t care. It wasn’t until my grandfather showed up that things changed. My grandfather was a commoner that became a noble through military service, dad and him had a falling out which led dad to run away from home. After years and finding out his son died, grandfather finally got involved.

He began to fund my family, from my mother’s medical costs to the education of my siblings. However, when he saw me drunk in a stupper, he slapped me. I honestly smiled, it was like dad was back scolding me, gramps however got pissed by that. He grabbed me and brought me to his old buddy who was in charge of the knight training academy. He forced me to sign the cadet papers, and then told me I was gonna be the man of the house and work for the amenities given. After that he began to leave in a huff, but not before adding that maybe time in the military would help me regain what I lost.

I was lost for a moment remembering that, so I decided to answer Rudolph.

“Before me, how about you? Are you sure you want to leave the force?”

“Yes, I need to find myself and my faith. That’s why I’m gonna leave the knights and become a hermit, and I won’t stop wandering until I hear m’lady’s voice”.

“I see.”

“And you?”

“About that…”

I still remember it to this day, probably because it was two days ago.

*Huff huff* Is everyone okay?

Oh S***! CONRAD! He’s still out there! I gotta go back in!

Don’t tell me to calm down! Idiot or not, I’m his partner! I’m not going to let him die!

That was Mortimer the other day, and he redefined how I saw him. I always thought he was a bookworm, but he had guts. When Conrad was marked for death, he jumped right into death’s jaws to save him. Watching him like that reminded me of myself, and the fighting spirit I lost. That’s why I lent him my helmet and some water to protect him from the flames. It was to regain some semblance of who I used to be, the same man I started to hate myself for being. I wanted to fight like that again, I wanted to be a busybody again. I couldn’t tell that to Rudolph, so I gave him a shortened version.

“Well, watching Mortimer the other day was something else. If I left the band before getting a rank higher than that guy, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”

“That’s petty, but sounds like you.”

“Yeah, it does doesn’t it.”

I left the room after telling Rudolph again to watch himself, and then I pulled a wrapped parcel from my breastplate. They were letters from my family, my little brother saying he would become a merchant so he can take care of thing while I was gone, a picture my sister drew of everyone together, a letter from my youngest brother about how he started swinging a branch so he can be a knight one day. However, the most important letter was the one from mom. She apologized for my stress and for leaving so much to me, she didn’t call me a failure or abandon me at all. She sent prayers for my safety, because she wants her son home.

“Heh, the old man was right. He was right all along.”

I found what I lost grandpa, and I’m not going back home. Not until I become a man my family can be proud of!

****

Here I am, sitting on a rock watching the embers of this flame. Unable to shake the things I said the other day.

DAMN IT MORTY PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS! WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS!

DAMN YOU MORTY! YOU KEEP ASKING TOO MUCH QUESTIONS

Hey Great Tree Whatever, are you willing to take sacrifices so we can live.

Yeah Morty, THIS GUY GREAT SPIRIT! TAKE THIS PRICK AND LET US GO FREE!

I covered my mouth in response to remembering what I said, then as if to mock me I remembered what occurred afterwards. Mortimer told us we were had, and warned us in enough time for us to drag the others away before we were blasted to hell. I ran to grab Donny, but my legs gave out. I thought we were dead, until Mortimer threw Rudolph who he was carrying to a safe spot. He then barreled back in to carry both me and Don, risking his own life in the process. To make matters harder for me, he then ran back into those flames to save Conrad who was deeper in. When they came back, Conrad was mortally wounded and Morty was gasping for air. Despite his lungs probably being on the verge of collapse, he kept us moving back to base. Despite me offering his life to save my own ass, he saved my life.

“...I’m the worst kind of bastard.”

I sat there in front of that fire, with my thoughts tearing me apart like a sky burial.

****

“Goddammit.”

I feel like I’ve been cursing a lot lately, but it can’t be helped. Things have been so damned frustrating, the patience I’ve cultivated has been broken. Then there’s the current reason for my frustration, Conrad. He’s refused to let people see him , despite everyone being worried for him. Sure in the past we hated him, but after the losses we suffered and what just happened. No one wants to see a fellow soldier down. What’s worse is that when I just saw him, he was not fine. It was for a moment, we passed in the hallway. He was different, his once radiant gold eyes now reflected madness in them. Before I could ask what happened to him he told me something that immediately silenced me.

The Captain understands me, I’ll have my revenge soon. Don’t you see, I knew I was right!

He’s plotting something terrible, I just don’t know what. How did a man that once cared about knighthood become a demon of vengeance? I sighed again and went outside, I can used some fresh air right now. Even the doctor prescribed it, give my lungs something better to circulate.

Upon heading outside, I noticed a lot of the Gray Scabbards hanging around out there. They probably sense that we aren’t welcome too. The sight was so pathetic I wanted to head back inside, but before I could.

“Hey Morty! Get your ass over here, we got something to finish!”

Samuel called me over to talk. What does he want?

****

It felt like we sat there for ages, neither of us could speak. How could we, the other day Samuel gave the enemy permission to kill me. I wanted to stay composed, but after seeing Conrad act the way he did. I’ll just admit it, I’m pissed! Yet, despite this silent fury boiling inside me, one that anyone should be able to notice. Samuel spoke up first.

“So do you have anything you want to say?”

“Huh?”

Anything I want to say? What, am I guilty of something? I’m not the one that told some tree god to kill their comrade. Why did he even call me out here, is he mad or something. I couldn't help it anymore, I snapped.

“F*** you.”

“Well that’s real nice.”

“Nice, you call that nice!?!”

I stood up immediately and began taking him to task.

“I tried to get us to retreat, tried to keep us level headed, tried to make you all aware the nothing was what it seemed! And what did that get me!”

“...”

“My opinions were disregarded, my intelligence was spat on, and then we had the coup de grace! YOU ALMOST HAD ME KILLED! Yet here we are! You call me out here like you have something to prove, ONLY TO GIVE ME MORE S***! I’m so frustrated right now, am I going insane! I’m having a leisurely chat with the man who tried to get me killed, I must be going insane! Someone should lock me up, because I’m crazy!”

I can’t believe I just said that, maybe I have lost it. Despite my insanity however, Samuel starts laughing. This ended up setting me off again.

“WHAT THE F*** IS SO FUNNY!”

“Ha, you honestly thought you were sane.”

“WHAT!”

What is this, I’m smarter than this brute. Why is he more mentally sound than me right now? Before I could lash out again, the bastard spoke up.

“Someone who’s sane wouldn’t save the guys whole talked s*** about him behind his back. He wouldn’t carry two men bigger than him on his own back, or even jump back into danger to save the guy that every one considered a douche…”

“...”

“...I honestly hated you a couple days ago, I wanted to pound your face in every time I saw you. Anything to make you look like you toughened up, even just a little bit. However you proved me wrong, you proved that you weren’t tough on the outside, but on the inside. You got heart kid, more heart than I do. I thought you were some passive punk, but it turns out you were actually a man.”

“...I’m a man, I’M 26 JACKASS OF COURSE I’M A MAN!”

I sat back down with a huff, god what is up with this guy. Samuel reached down and passed me a mug, I had some coffee in it.

“I thought it took muscle to be a knight before, but muscle means nothing if you don’t use your head. That’s why starting today, I’m going to judge people not from their appearance but for their actions. Do I have the right to do that?”

“...*Sigh* I’m not your mother Samuel.”

I see that he’s reflected at least a little bit, I grasp the mug he gave me and take a sip of the coffee. He then rose his mug.

“How bout we make a toast.”

“...F*** you douchebag.”

“Heh, to F*** you douchebag!”

“...Heh!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle, I guess the doctor was right. Some fresh air was what I needed. After a while the other members outside joined us and we regaled the old tales of our squad.