We’re Not a Zoo!

“History isn’t changed that easily, Dungeon Core! Close this Spa to Demon-kin or your assets will be seized by His Highness!!” King Gremy envoy’s declaration echoed like a thunderclap. Steam curled lazily around him, making his pompous plumes look even sillier.

“That’s horrible!” A client wailed.

“Tell him to shove his crown!”

“Yeah, this is our slice of heaven!”

“You’re all rowdy! No problem, I’ll pass along your complaints to His Highness himself!”

“He’s a loser!”

“Tell his fat ass to get off the throne!”

“Thank you, thank you, my fans. To me, you're all SSR pulls!”

“What’s he even saying?”

“Very well. His Highness shall match the number of complaints to the number of new guillotines ordered.”

“Hmm…”

Silence fell around our Spa.

“Do you understand, Dungeon Core? That is all!!” The envoy swept his cape dramatically and marched out, leaving the natural spring air tense behind him, but was stopped by a shrill, rich laughter.

“O~hohoho!” Mizuchi’s serpent tail coiled in amusement. “Is Gremy acting up again? How much shall I pay to have him look the other way? I can’t have my favorite place to wine and dine taken from me.”

The envoy sniffed, unimpressed. “This, he cannot overlook. Your gem district is a rare exception, Lady Mizuchi.”

Her fan ripped open. “And if I declare this Spa to be in direct partnership with my empire?”

“…I am afraid it would only work against your case.” The envoy left.

Damn Middle Ages!!

We shouldn’t have to make peace with Human King Gremy right away, especially when we’re focused on these Labors given to us by the Demon Lord, at least, not technically…

“We don’t have to make peace with the King.”

“Your laziness is surprising me. Even me!!” Sharlotte protested.

“Don’t you get it? I’ve already assimilated all the [Abilities] our Human guests had to offer. Objectively speaking, and as harsh as the envoy, a kingdom of Humans offers me absolutely nothing.”

“Please think this through one more time, Brother,” Borkas requested. “An overtake by the army would mean very serious trouble. It’d damage our reputation, if not, mean the end of our business–”

“So, we go ahead and ban Demon-kin before they can do it by force? It’s a personal attack; nothing related to our business. I’ve got a strong feeling that I’ll need more Demon-kin guests, if not the Demon Lord himself, to assimilate back into my body. But why this sudden change? The Human kingdom didn’t put up so many complaints before. Is it because we’ve been visiting the Demon Lord’s castle recently, aligning ourselves with what they deem as a threat? Is it because we hired Blackwell? We could reframe it as a favor, removing a top general from the battlefield Gremy insists on facing. If only the two sides would come to our Spa already…”

“I understand Kazuki’s concerns. The threat of being seen as taking a side between Humans and Demon-kin is very serious.”

“King Gremy is bluffing,” I reasoned. “What can he even do, send us a mean envoy? Let’s go to the Demon Lord’s castle already and start our Second Labor.”

“Before that, there is something King Gremy can do. This.” Rin held up a newspaper. Slander rag with a bold headline: Spa or Zoo? Flea-Bitten Guests Tell All!

“What the hell?! The Werewolf hair in Room 3-B was one freak incident! We get called a zoo?! Do you see any cages?!”

“She even complained to the city press,” Rin said sadly.

“Didn't a giant cactus fall on you? It's your fault for being catnip for weird happenings!” Sharlotte flapped.

The fact that we are letting many species relax together sat strangely with the Human King Gremy. History remained true. There have been tensions between our patrons, the most recent example being a Human adventurer who slipped on a tiny Slime Girl. An Incubus stood up for her. The aggressor stopped because he was sexy. We’ve had a number of these close calls.

But this recent one made it to the newspaper. A zoo is what they called us. Sure, we invited all kinds of beings into our spa, but!

“We can’t afford to have a wild image!”

This article was like the Middle Ages version of a shitpost. I was accustomed to them on online forums, but this was my first time on the receiving end. False advertising was illegal here, just as it was back home. But this was mock advertising. It wasn’t illegal to mock rival companies!

“It’s not that famous of a paper,” Rin observed.

“It’s the older generation I’m worried about. It’s already been reported. This means that at least a handful of people who read it will believe it. Especially the older generation! In other words, King Gremy too!”

Yes! Before I isekaied, many seniors fell into the trap of believing fake news clips that were clearly AI-generated! “More susceptible to scams, yet holding all the Gold… This must be what ticked His Majesty off! We can’t lose these dear clients!”

“Do we sue the paper?” Sharlotte asked.

“No! Lawsuits make us look guilty! No bribing the paper to remove the article either!” I barked. “We fix this by doing what we do best. Being so good, they can’t say no! Facilities upgrades! Hear me! No more loose fur under sofas! From now on: twice-daily deep cleaning! Extra maids!”

“More staff means more wages.”

“We’ll charge for it! We’ll invent a species sterilization surcharge, a hairless premium room! We’ll call it… ‘Zero Fur Zen Suite!’ And we’ll sell it at triple the price!”

Sharlotte blinked. “Isn’t that just a normal clean room–”

New: Facilities Upgrades!

New: Spa Marketing!

“Stop interrupting me! Let me have it my way, my wayyyy! Something is fishyy! There was hardly any chance for there to be fleas. It’s clearly defamation! Let’s sue so I can have more rest timeee!”

“You’re right, Sharlotte. The times are trying… However, we can’t afford to sue. We’ll do something more terrifying. The time has come to introduce a new monster of the industry! I didn’t want it to, but I won’t stand to have our reputation dragged any longer after the close call with the Cook Off and Blackwell nearly exploding. Borkas! Seek out the Kitsune Kunoichi!”

New Secret Division: Resort Industrial Espionage!

New: Kitsune Kunoichi Hired!

“Is this even legal?” Rin pondered.

“Where I come from, it’s not, but laws always have loopholes. At the highest levels of business, the analysis results in it being worth the risk. So, industrial espionage is quite common! Isn’t that right, Mizuchi?”

“Can’t say.” Mizuchi feigned with a smile. “Sit over here and feed me, and I’ll tell you.”

“Pass. I’ll be busy with the new tatami room facility.”

The Kitsune Kunoichi did some investigating.

About the papers and the headlines… We would likely always have haters from here on out. It was a matter of course due to growing in popularity.

I remember it being the same for gacha game review leaderboards. No game has a perfect user rating. In fact, 5 stars out of 5 stars invites skepticism. A rating of 4.5/5 is considerably more genuine and attractive.

Damn it! This is the cost of being popular!

It was fine if ten percent would always disagree with us! For this very reason, we must show more love for the ninety percent who love us!

Everything that we had was working. We only needed to make our Spa even better and remove the dangerous naysayers.

The night approached.

Steam curled thick and slow through the private chambers, carrying the scents of cedar wood and hot mineral water, a perfume of quiet luxury I had built into our onsen empire. Lanterns glowed low, painting everything in honey and firelight, and the walls hummed faintly with the sound of trickling water. But the air shifted the moment she stepped inside – our spy, our blade in silk and fur, the Kitsune Kunoichi who bowed so gracefully before me that the gesture could almost disguise the wicked sharpness in her smile.

Her nine tails, flashing pale fire, swayed hypnotically behind her, brushing across the tatami mat with every motion. Her kimono was regulation only in name, wrapped scandalously loose, showing the firm band of muscle across her stomach, the swell of breasts half-hidden, half-advertised, the markings on her thighs visible through the high slit. Even her sandals whispered predation when she padded forward, kneeling at my gemstone bottom-point with practiced elegance.

“Boss,” she murmured like warm sake sliding down my throat, “your competitor’s accounts are in my hands. Their secrets, all unwrapped.”

She held out a neat bundle of scrolls, contracts stolen and stamped with blood. Her claws, lacquered white, tapped the bamboo tubes as if taunting them.

I took them, but my eyes stayed on her. A kunoichi was never only a courier. She tilted her head, ears twitching, and the corner of her mouth curled higher.

“Ahhh… I see,” she purred, as though reading my thoughts without needing the scrolls. “You wonder if I was as quiet slipping past their guards as I am slipping into your bed.”

“No. I’m thinking of the giraffe in a chest joke. But instead of a chest, it’s sheets and you would have to take out Rin. We’re having a sleepover party!”

As a matter of fact, both Rin and Sharlotte wanted to spend the night in this unusual room, with tatami mats that were new to them.

“Also, when did Mr. Shadow Lion attach to you? Do better slipping around next time.”

“Huh? HAAA?!” The Kitsune Kunoichi was enthralled in horror as she trashed her tails.

“Eeeek!” The Shadow Lion went flying.

Bleeding profusely and insisting he wasn’t stocking anyone, he explained that he appeared with notice of our next assignment, our Second Labor. His father, the Demon Lord, was ready for our presence.

The Kitsune Kunoichi shrugged him off and delivered her inside information.

The “Zoo rumors” are being orchestrated by the rival establishment – a Human-owned luxury resort from the Capital that wants to push us out. The Kitsune Kunoichi proposed stealth countermeasures: espionage, sabotage, or at least stealing their guest list. After all, the rival resort was backed by a high-ranking noble who was connected to the Church.

“The Church…?” Sharlotte echoed, despite being an Angel. “Let’s keep exerting pressure, but back off a little, Kazuki.”

“What? Why?”

“Because… Because!! Anyway, we solved the who-done-it mystery.”

“We’re leaving out the why-done-it–”

“Anyway, let’s head to the Demon Lord’s castle!” Sharlotte shouted like it was her turn to interrupt me. “Weren’t you fuming and brooding the other day about how much you wanted to talk with him?

“Oh yeah… I do want to talk with him. A lot.” I was plotting. “Next stop, the Demon Lord’s castle.”