Chapter 4a: Confused…

(As Monowi slowly opens his eyes)

“Please leave me, I don’t want to die… I want to live… please let me… let me live”

(Tears start dropping from Monowi’s eyes)

How should I explain… I did nothing wrong… why is he getting me so wrong?

There should still be a way for me to get out of here alive. I should check my wounds… before I bleed to death… I should try to do something about the bleeding.

Hey… hey, where are the wounds? There should be wounds. I’m not feeling a single scratch. And… my hands, my feet… they’re free. I can move freely.

I should wipe my face… it’s literally full of tears. And why the hell was I crying before?

I’m not feeling any pain. Not even a little ache where I was stabbed. I’m feeling… too good. Like I’ve been reborn.

My clothes… they’re in tatters. I can feel them.

I’m standing here… somewhere. But it’s too dark. I can’t guess exactly where I am.

I look up… the sky is covered with dark clouds.

I should probably lye down.

And here I am… lying on the ground. On grass… or something like it. It feels like grass.

…it is been a little while here, and I am talking to myself in a low voice.

I should just wait here… on this ground. And let’s hope, for the time being, that I’m not in a jungle. Or in someone’s backyard… where the owner keeps a pit bull.

…I shake my head.

Maybe I’m thinking too much. I should relax a little. Overthinking won’t take me anywhere… it will only get me into trouble.

…I let my body and mind rest for a while. But after some time, memories creep back in—memories of how I died.

Man… that look on Fehrraht’s face. Those disdained eyes. Hard to forget.
But I’m not going to let him go so easily. For now, I’ll just wait here… for some light. Or maybe… with less hope, for the break of dawn.

…my stomach growls.

Yeah, I’m getting hungry. I should think about that too. But for now… I’m stuck here. Waiting quietly is my best option.

I should rest.

…After a little while, I hear a roaring sound.

Please… don’t let that be a dangerous animal. Please, no big animal. Please, no lion. No bears. Nothing dangerous. Please, God, save me. I don’t want to die so soon. I don’t want to experience death again…

…After all my pleading, nothing comes toward me. I let out a sigh of relief.

That was close. I thought I was going to die.
See? I was afraid of nothing. It was just the sound of some music player… maybe from a nearby alley.

But still… the buzzing of crickets, and so many other noises, keep chirping into my ears.

…I take a deep breath.

Yes. I’m afraid now. I’m a coward.
I should keep myself calm… if I want to stay out of harm’s way.

I should… I should…

I am confused… maybe Fehrraht was right. I’m always confused. That’s why I’m here—because I can’t take a firm stance on anything.

I haven’t achieved my dreams yet, and I don’t know how many more years it would take to build something solid for myself. Maybe I should let go of that idea… maybe that’s for the best.

…Wait. What am I even thinking? I can’t give up so easily. I want to live the life I always wanted, otherwise I’ll remain a failure for my entire life.

…Whatever. This isn’t making my situation any better. I should let go of these thoughts and take my time… to think about the next steps.

(Monowi lies there for quite some time before another beam of crazy thoughts surges in.)

But there’s still something that keeps ticking in my head. I was bruised, I was injured… and now I’m perfectly fine. Yet my clothes are still in the same condition. How could that even be possible?

I just realized something.

Maybe… maybe this state is just temporary, like a dream. Yes, a dream, that’s why I’m perfectly fine. I should wake myself up.

I close my eyes.
Get up!
Wake up!
Monowi, you have to make your nap time shorter.

…
…

This isn’t working. I’m stuck. Or maybe… maybe I’m in a hospital, lying in a bed, in a comatose state. This is bad. Too bad. The worst thing that could happen to me.

I slap my face with both hands.
"RELAX, Monowi! I don’t know what’s happening, but panicking won’t get me anywhere."

Besides, maintaining this condendum of awareness for long is not possible for subconscious mind, so just take a deep breath and relax. Everything is going to be fine.

Suddenly, I hear a sharp sound—wheels moving.

I can see some lights there, but in this dark, I am unbale to guess what that might be. But I believe the sound I heard before, was maybe the sound of moving wheels. Yes, they were like big old wooden rotating wheels, like those in old carriages, but strangely I heard no footfalls of the animal pulling it.