Enter the Oni

The revelation that the boss of the bandits was a female oni shocked all the aspects of Kyle’s persona.

“Do, do we know her?” asked Office Kyle. “She’s acting like we know her.”

Peasant Kyle shrugged. “Why are you asking me?”

“Because it’s your backstory, genius!”

With the helmet off, the oni’s laughter was low and velvety. “I haven’t seen you in years. Do you remember me?”

Kyle grit his teeth. “I’m sorry. I did get my head caved in by a crystal ball.”

The oni, now only wearing the strained padded shirt and matching pants, sat down on the ground. She was still close to eye level with Kyle at full height. “My name is Fiona. My parents used to live on the mountain that overlooks your village. They would come down from time to time to carouse and eat and defend your people.”

“The story was true,” Kyle nodded. “There really were oni around.”

“My parents would take me down from the mountain, and they’d let me play with the other kids while they did their business.” She smiled. “I had so much fun playing with you all.”

Real Kyle slowly looked at Peasant Kyle, as something clicked in his head. Memories he hadn’t been used to remembering. “You were so much taller we thought you were a teen.”

Fiona laughed. “No, I was about your age.”

His eyes widened as he kept remembering slinging mud at the other kids. And her. And realizing something they’d long assumed. “I think we thought you were one of the guys.”

“I was one of the guys,” she sighed wistfully.

“No, I mean we thought you were a boy.”

Fiona pointed at her chest. “Not making that mistake now, are you?” Her shirt ripped slightly, revealing her bulging biceps.

“N-No, I... uh… I’m pretty sure you’re a girl.”

“Woman. I’m a woman.” Fiona told Kyle.

Kyle cleared his throat, trying not to stare. “Do you uh, think you can let me go with my stuff? For old times sake?”

Fiona pouted. “Oh, you’re not going anywhere. We had a deal. And until you remember, you’re all mine.”

Peasant Kyle withered under Office Kyle and Real Kyle’s matching glares. “I swear I don’t know what she’s talking about!”

“No wonder we’re losing fights,” shouted Office Kyle. “Childhood friend? Forgotten promises?! We’re in the wrong genre!”

----

The rain poured as the princess ran to the lowly peasant, his muscles rippling with every movement.

“Oh, but how I would wish to take you with me to the castle,” she confessed. “But I am to be wed to the Prince in a fortnight.”

“A fortnight?” growled the peasant. “That gives us all the time we need.”

With a single pull of his hand, he began to –

“Hey! You alright over there, Princess?”

Kari had been so engrossed by the book that she’d failed to notice that Abagail and her had arrived back in town.

Abagail had used the money she’d gotten from Kyle’s blessing gone awry to purchase a pair of horses. She’d claimed it was an ‘investment’, since she expected the Prince to compensate her for the horses as part of her reward for bringing him Kari.

“Y-Yes, I was merely ensuring that the literature you forced me to buy did not have anything that violated the basics of decency.”

“Methinks the princess protests a bit too hard,” Abagail cackled. The two dismounted from the new horses at Kyle’s cottage. “I’m not judging you for enjoying a bit of fun. Just don’t get any funny ideas from it.”

Kari’s face went a far deeper shade of red as said funny ideas flooded her imagination.

“Oh Kyle, we’re ho – huh.” Abagail set down her bag inside the cottage, confused. “Now I know I’m not expecting him to cook, but I was expecting him to be here.”

Kari followed in after, setting down her own bag. “Do you think he might be in the fields?”

“It’s worth a shot,” shrugged Abagail.

But not a few seconds later, they found the mayor lurking on the road. “Good morning ladies.”

Abagail and Kari were not amused. “What do you want, old man?”

“You’re looking for Kyle. I’m afraid I have some terrible news.”

----

“WHAT?!”

Abagail and Kari were shocked. “You’re saying the bandits showed up, kidnapped Kyle, and took the tractor?”

“That’s a pretty good summary of what I just said, yeah.”

Abagail pulled out her wand. “Oh, they’ve got another thing coming. Time for those bandits to learn it’s not worth stealing from a witch.”

Kari’s staff appeared in her hands out of thin air. “Or a princess.”

Abagail and Kari stared each other down, eyes twitching.

“Truce?” “Truce.” The two shook hands.

----

The lone perk of being the hostage of a bandit leader was getting to eat roasted rabbit for dinner.

The perk of being the hostage of a childhood friend apparently was getting to have company for dinner.

Fiona and Kyle were chowing down on their dinner, with Kyle surprised at how well the conversation was going.

“…then the merchant has the audacity to say that I had to be a man because no woman has muscles like mine. Then I picked up his cart and threw it into a tree!” Fiona guffawed. “I get that so much from humans. And I can’t help it – our biology’s volatile once we’re adults, we’re either muscular like this or pot-bellied.”

Kyle nodded along. Like it or not, he needed to play nice if he wanted to get out of here. “I never knew.”

“Yeah, meanwhile you humans come in every shape and size.”

It was his turn to laugh. He’d seen more than his fair share of people who couldn’t say no to an extra slice of pizza.

His laughter set off Fiona again, who joined him. “You turned out alright,” she got out between chuckles. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

Kyle sighed. “What happened? You were there, then you weren’t.”

Fiona’s laughter trailed off. “We didn’t have a choice. See, it was t –”

Someone was knocking on a wooden block outside, interrupting her explanation. Fiona threw what was left of her dinner across the tent and pulled out a small stone from the helmet she’d been wearing. Pressing it up against her throat, her voice came out just like Kyle had heard at the village. “This is not the time.”

“We’re under attack! That elf who escaped is back, and she brought the witch!”

Fiona growled, turning to Kyle. “Wait here. We’re not done yet.”