Sing Kumbaya, Why Don't You

A bandit’s sword clanged off of a pink barrier separating him and Abagail.

A jewel on Kari’s staff glowed an identical color to the barrier, with a tiny gesture sending a second charging bandit flying back. “Where do you think they are keeping him?”

Abagail pointed a wand at a nearby tree, its branches swinging down to bowl over two string bean archers who’d been taking potshots at them.

“Which tent did they keep you in?”

Kari ducked while Abagail’s wand spat out a stream of flame across their surroundings. “There! The tent next to the tallest one!”

From the tallest tent emerged Fiona in her mismatched armor, her grip tight on her hammer’s handle. “Why have you come here,” she grunted in her magically altered voice. “The princess escaped and we didn’t go after her.”

Abagail pointed her wand at Fiona. “We’re here for the peasant and his tractor. Hand him over.”

“You can keep the tractor. Kyle stays with me.”

Kari growled. “That is not an option.”

From Abagail’s wand shot a bolt of lightning, striking Fiona’s helmet. It flew off, the spell fracturing it into pieces and revealing an angered Fiona’s face.

“That should have melted her face off,” spat Abagail.

“That is an oni,” Kari warned. “They are naturally attuned to the magical element of lightning. It is no wonder Kyle’s spells had little effect.”

Fiona stomped her foot, charging in and swinging her hammer. “I told you, he’s MINE!”

----

Kyle had been rummaging through the stack of stolen valuables in Fiona’s tent the second she left. With the sounds of battle raging outside, he was going non-stop.

“Bingo!” Kyle pulled free the amulet of wisdom from a small set of drawers and put it back around his neck. “Now where’s the ring…”

In a large cabinet he found the largest wedding dress he’d ever seen. No woman he’d ever met could fit in that thing, they’d have to be a giant!

“Who the hell would need one that big?”

----

Kari’s barrier shattered under the sheer strength of Fiona’s attack, the hammer’s head swiping the hat off of Abagail’s head.

Abagail pointed her wand to the ground, a pillar of earth erupting beneath and knocking Fiona down.

Kari’s staff twirled in her hand. Fiona’s body lifted into the air, a magical circle forming behind her and wrapping around her wrists and ankles.

“Where is Sir Kyle?” demanded Kari.

Fiona spat at the princess.

“There should still be some soybeans,” Kari told Abagail. “Do you think you would be able to roast them?”

Panic came over Fiona as she started to struggle with the binding spell. “I’m not doing this a second time!”

Abagail held up a handful of soybeans, pointing her wand at it. “Then hand over Kyle!”

The binding spell began to buckle under Fiona’s struggles. “I’m not giving up my fiancé a second time!”

“What.” “What?!”

Kyle stumbled out of the tallest tent, now sporting his ring again. “WHAT.”

-----

Everyone gathered around a large fire, the bandits nursing all kinds of injuries and coming to terms with seeing their boss’s true nature for the first time.

“It was ten years ago,” Fiona started. “My parents had an understanding with one of the local villages. They offered protection, and the village would help feed them. One season, a roc came to steal the harvest. My parents fended off the bird but the peasants lost too much of the harvest to pay their taxes. They gave him everything they could without risking starvation, and prayed the prince would show mercy.”

Kyle remembered what Francis had told him. The Prince personally burned the previous mayor alive with a fire spell.

Kari looked horrified as she learned that bit of information for the first time, staring as Fiona continued. “The Prince claimed that if they hadn’t fed my parents, that none of this would have happened. That they were bad luck. He called forth a priest to drive us away using roasted soybeans.”

The silence in the air was only interrupted by the crackling of the fire.

“But… why am I your fiancé?” asked Kyle.

Fiona shook her head. “Still don’t remember. Fine. I’ll say it.” She stood up, marched around the fire, and squatted next to Kyle before putting her head on his shoulder. “He was the first boy to touch my horn.”

Kari’s look of horror shifted into one of scandal. “WHAAAAAAAT?!”

Abagail didn’t look like she totally understood, but her eyes locked onto Fiona as if she’d been challenged.

Kyle was utterly confused, and of all the people to ask the obvious… it was Benny. “Why is that a big deal? I don’t think any of us’ve seen an oni before.”

Fiona briefly explained it for everyone. To oni, their horns were a sensitive subject. While incidental touch was to be expected in life, prolonged or purposeful contact could lead to a fight if it wasn’t invited. Because depending on the context, it could imply anything from a first kiss to a proposal to…

Kyle’s face went sunburn red. “No one ever told me that!”

That got a giggle from Fiona. “I guess that was a conversation between my parents and yours~”

The only person who looked happy at this turn of events, other than Fiona, was Benny – and that was mostly because he hoped that one of the two women who’d fought over Kyle would snap and save him the trouble of killing the peasant.

But he did have to bring up a problem. “Are we still selling the tractor and getting paid?”

Kyle latched onto any excuse to change the subject. “What if, and hear me out, we don’t do that. And we just return Kari to her fiancé.”

“I dunno man, seems like a bad idea considering we held her in the first place.”

“Who’s going to tell him? Not us.” Kyle shrugged. “No one has to lie. Kari was held hostage, she escaped, and she recruited a bunch of the Prince’s loyal subjects to bring her to safety – and they would appreciate some gold or a small favor for their trouble. We all get what we want. What do you say?”