Gambling at the Horse Mall

The yellow poker chip sun peaked over the horizon, as birds chirped, marking the start of a new day. If it wasn’t for the potential terrorism charges looming over our heads, it would have been a perfect morning.

“Wakey wakey, Lucky, there’s no time to waste. We only have until noon to find ourselves a winning horse.” Rollnaldo shook me awake from the wildly uncomfortable sleep I had the night before on a pile of trash in an alleyway.

The moment I opened my eyes, I was greeted by Rollnaldo with an exhausted look in his face and dark circles under his eyes. “Geez you look horrible. Did you sleep at all last night?”

“What the pip did you expect? I got shoved into a sack and was forced to marry that crazy chick.”

I stood up from the gold paved ground and glanced around. “Speaking of Eight, where is she-?”

“Good morning my new husband!” Eight sang out as she turned the corner and skipped giddily into the alley. She was still wearing the white wedding dress from the night before, but today, her hair was dyed white. “Are you ready to destroy that pesky ex-wife of yours?”

“Yes actually, I’m glad we’re on the same page…” He seemed a bit surprised with how cooperative she was being.

“So where does one go to buy a horse?” I wondered.

“Well, since the derby is a huge deal in this city, there are a number of options.” Rollnaldo paused for a moment to think. “Since we’re limited on time though, I say we just hit up the closest horse market.” He held his two hundred dollars worth of casino chips in his hand. “Collectively what are we looking at budgetwise?”

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the single one hundred dollar chip that Eight had rewarded me back at the resort. “This is all I have.”

“And I spent all of our lottery winnings on bombs and this dress.” Eight added.

Rollnaldo let out a huff. “So we got a total of three hundred dollars… let’s hope there’s a bargain bin at this horse market.”

🐴🐴🐴

The smell of horse crap filled my nostrils, as the three of us stood in a crowded indoor plaza full of horse stables. Each series of stables had its own style and decor and were set up like stores. It was like being at a horse shopping mall.

“Pip there’s more options than I thought there would be. If we can’t find an affordable horse here, then we’re in real trouble.” Rollnaldo pointed to the nearest horse store. “Let’s start there.”

Just above the entrance was a sign that read, ‘Urban Saddlefitters’. Stylistically, the inside was very modern and hipsterish with open concept stalls made from reclaimed wood. Ugly post modern art hung on all the walls, while an excessive amount of edison string lights were strung everywhere.

“How about this one?” I suggested, approaching the most plain and average looking gray horse in the store. Hung on the front of its stall was a chalkboard plaque that read ‘Grayce’.

“I hate that name.” Eight commented.

“It's not about the name. What matters is the price.” Rollnaldo waved over a store employee, who was a six of diamonds playing card person with an orange beanie stretched over his wide and flat head. “How much for this one?”

“This one right here is a minimalist chic gray. Subtle, but elegant. These go for $5200-.”

Before the card person even finished, Rollanldo was already out the door. “That place was definitely a little too bougie for us. Let’s try a different one.”

“That one over there doesn’t look too uppity.” Eight pointed over to another horse store that was called, ‘Horse Topic’.

Entering through a horse shoe shaped arch into a dimly lit room, we were met by a series of spider-web looking metal grated stalls and fake decorative skulls everywhere. For whatever reason every single horse they had was black.

“Excuse me, what's the cheapest horse you sell?” Rollnaldo asked as he approached a goth looking dark gray dice person with red dots who had on black eyeliner and was wearing a set of spikey bracelets on his wrists, who was stocking a shelf full of black t-shirts.

“I don’t know, all those over there are probably like three thousand dollars each or something.” The goth dice spoke not seeming to care.

“Could you check if there’s anything cheaper in the back?” Rollnaldo politely asked.

The dice didn’t even respond and went back to folding black shirts.

“What a little pipper!” Rollnaldo complained as we exited the store.

“How about we try that one next?” A fairly bland and plain looking store caught my eye. The sign out front read, ‘Marelington Horse Factory’ in red letters. The ‘M’ in Marelington was shaped like a heart.

The inside was just as plain as the outside and the horses they had in stock were some of the most bland and generic I had ever seen.

Rollnaldo called out to the roulette ball clerk. “Listen, I’m just going to be straight forward with you. We desperately need a cheap horse. Do you have anything for under three hundred dollars?”

“Hmmm…” The roulette ball thought for a moment. “The cheapest we have out here is $899.99… Let me go talk to my manager and see if there’s anything in the back.”

“That dice at the Horse Topic should take notes. This is how you’re supposed to do customer service.” Rollnaldo felt the need to comment, while we waited around.

Soon the roulette ball came back, pushing a mini fridge-sized cardboard box on a pallet jack. “This one was going to get sent to the glue factory anyways, so if you want him you can just have him.”

“What kind of horse is it?” Rollnaldo wondered.

“Well…” The clerk seemed a bit hesitant. “I guess you could say he’s a magical talking pony.”

Rollnaldo stared back at him straight faced. “Are you bull-pipping me right now?”

“See for yourself.” He opened the box…

Popping its head out was a crap brown colored pony with a short black mane that ran down its neck. Its green left eye was lazy, while its larger right eye was brown and looked like it was staring into the void. Saliva dripped from its crooked mouth. “Jacky likes apples.” It neighed. As it tipped over the box and crawled out, it was apparent that each of its legs was a different length and on its side was a white spot… a spot that was phallic shaped.

“I think there’s something wrong with this horse.” I turned to Rollnaldo.

“Probably, but it's free and with the money we’re saving, I can use it to buy some ‘performance enhancers’. If you know what I mean.” He whispered back to me.

“Jacky likes apples.” The horse called out again, as it walked over to Rollnaldo and began to suck on his head.

“Is that the only thing he can say?” Rollnaldo wondered, pulling his head out of the horse's mouth.

“Yeah pretty much.” The clerk responded.

Eight looked at the horse curiously. “So is its name Jacky or is he trying to say someone named Jacky like apples?”

“Technically his full name is Jackpot, but he only seems to know how to say Jacky.” The clerk turned back to Rollnaldo. “So do you want him?”

Rollnaldo nodded, as he simultaneously was side stepping the pony, who kept trying to suck on him. “Yeah, we’ll take it.”

And just like that, Jacky the magical talking pony joined our party…