Discordance VI / The Embers of My Soul

A series of warm raindrops struck my forehead, clawing my consciousness back from the depths.

Rain? Am I outside?

I had expected to awaken in an infirmary bed, but as my brain reconnected to my nerves, the dull aching I felt across my entire body told a different story.

If I’m still this numbed by the adrenaline, I must not have been out for long.

I opened my eyes to a shaky, swirling world. I couldn’t recall receiving any head trauma, but given most of my body had shut down, it didn’t surprise me that my eyesight was impaired.

Another set of raindrops slapped against my face, and I winced as one landed on my eye.

Why are they so sporadic? And wasn’t it sunny and cloudless earlier?

I tilted my head back to get a full view of the sky, but an unexpected figure entered my blurred vision instead.

“Sh-Shina?” My throat burned as the sounds poured out, likely a result of the screaming and vomiting I’d done earlier.

“Everett? You’re awake?” Her voice was watery and panicked, though I couldn’t make out her expression.

She leaned forward to position her face above mine, though its direction was reversed. As she moved her head, one of her tails swept over her shoulder and dangled above me, resurfacing that dark memory from not long ago. I suddenly felt a stabbing pain in my chest, and a deluge of awful, destructive thoughts flooded my mind, the same ones that had haunted me endlessly over this past week.

“Are you okay? What hurts?”

But in an instant, her soft, caring whisper washed it all away.

“Can you hear me, Everett? Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah.” Finally processing her question, I responded, though the answer’s truthfulness was questionable.

“What can I do? Where are you the most hurt?”

“I can’t really feel anything, so I’m not sure…” I groaned.

“The others are running around looking for Professor Estor. He’ll be here soon to heal you, so don’t worry.”

Me worry? You sound way more distressed about this than I am.

“I’m fine. Just… need to rest for a bit.”

“Don’t lie to make me feel better. And you need to start looking out for yourself; my heart can’t handle seeing you get this hurt over and over again,” she said. “But, still… thank you.”

“H-huh? For what?”

“You stood up for me. You stood up for all of us. Even when we were too scared to confront Vandan, you didn’t back down. No matter how many times he broke your body, you ran straight back in, for our sakes. I’ve never felt so anxious and grateful at the same time.” Despite the haziness, I could tell she was smiling through her tears.

“But… I failed. I screwed everything up. He said all those awful things and still got to walk away feeling better than us. My hubris ruined every—”

“That’s not true. You were amazing.” As she spoke, she reached out and grasped my right hand. “You put up an incredible fight. We’re all proud of you.”

“But—”

“Stop it. Stop demeaning yourself. Not a single one of us thinks you’re a failure.”

“… I don’t get it.” I gritted my teeth, frustrated. “Why? Why do all of you keep forgiving me?”

“Because we’re your friends, dummy.”

… Oh.

It wasn’t anything new; it was something I’d heard long, long ago, from her very lips. But in all my foolishness, I’d forgotten something even that simple. Maybe it would never stick.

But I guess she’ll be there to remind me, either way.

“I’m realizing this whole ‘friend’ thing is pretty complicated,” I said, my tone lightening. “Do you have any library recommendations on the topic?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re joking, but I do, actually. We can pick up a copy together once you’re able to walk again.”

Though my body was in no condition for it, I couldn’t help but chuckle at her reply, even as my lungs stung. “I’ll look forward to it, then.”

Together. She wants to go together. Even now. Even after everything I did to her.

She doesn’t hate me. She never did.

“Shina, I’m sorry.”

“I already told you; none of us are mad at you for—”

“Not that,” I said. “The… other thing. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Everett…” She exhaled softly, and I couldn’t tell whether it was a sigh of irritation or relief. “You know, the moment I cooled down that night, I went looking for you. I wanted to apologize and fix things between us as soon as possible, but you weren’t in your room, and I couldn’t find you anywhere.”

That must’ve been while I was searching for Fleur. I was on the move for a long time, so that would explain how we missed each other.

“You had nothing to apologize for. It was all my fault,” I replied.

She shook her head. “I said some really ugly things to you. I knew they would hurt you, but I said them anyway. That’s why I said them.” She squeezed my hand, sending a surge of warmth throughout my body. “I’m sorry. I’ve only recently realized this about myself, but I can have a bit of a temper at times.”

“You? A temper?” In my head, Shina was basically an angel. I couldn’t pretend like the things she’d said during our fight didn’t hurt me, but that was an extenuating circumstance; I’d brought that behavior out of her by doing deplorable things myself.

“… Have you forgotten I almost attacked that boy in the cafeteria?” She sounded more than a little ashamed as she reminded me of the event.

“Ah, I forgot about that. Yeah, maybe you are prone to violent outbursts…”

Pouting, she poked me lightly in the forehead. “You weren’t supposed to agree with me.”

“Sorry, sorry. I was just teasing you.” I smiled at her, and she mirrored the action.

Thank god my vision has cleared up. I wouldn’t want to miss her smile for the world.

A few seconds later, however, her expression drifted to one of confusion as she spoke up again. “Wait, so are you not angry with me?”

“Huh? No, of course not. I never was. At least, not once I came to my senses after our fight ended.”

“Then… why have you been avoiding me over the past few days? Anytime I saw you, you would run away, and I got scared you didn’t want to talk to me anymore.”

“Avoiding you?” I was taken aback. “I thought you were avoiding me, so I didn’t want to bother you.”

She blinked several times. “So we were both just waiting for the other to make a move?”

“Yeah, sounds like it.”

She broke out into self-deprecating laughter, which I found too infectious to resist myself.

“Over the past few months, I thought we’d both grown a lot when it came to this kind of thing, but I guess we still have plenty to learn,” she said.

Maybe that’s true, but if there’s still more to discover, I’m glad we’ll be finding it together.

But first, I still need to apologize. For everything.

“Shina, hear me out for a sec.”

“Um, okay. What is it?” she asked, stifling her laughter.

“I’m sorry about… whatever that illusion thing was. I could tell something was off right away, but I ignored the warning signs. And once it started acting really strange and unlike you, I didn’t even try to stop it. I don’t know who was messing with me or why, but it doesn’t matter. I had no right to take advantage of you for something so… depraved.”

“I wouldn’t call it ‘depraved’,” she said. “I-if anything, it’s a little flattering in hindsight, though I guess less so when it’s not the real me.”

…

I’m trying to apologize here, Shina. Don’t say stuff like that to the guy clearly in love with you! You’ll throw me off track!

“A-anyway,” I mumbled, praying my blush wasn’t too obvious, “I’m also sorry for how I reacted afterward. I knew you were hurt by what I did, but instead of trying to understand, I kept searching for excuses to defuse the situation. I shouldn’t have disregarded how you felt, and I shouldn’t have tried looking for an easy way out. I’m sorry for not accepting wrongdoing, and I’m even more sorry for exploding at you because I was too scared to. I know I’m a screwup, and I said some truly awful things to you, but I didn’t mean any of it. I promise. I know I don’t have any right to ask for this, but… can you please forgive me?”

She seemed at a loss for words, and a few seconds passed in silence as she constructed her response. “You’re a good person, Everett. I mean, come on, you made an entire festival just to make me happy. So I know you didn’t mean it, and I forgave you a long time ago. If we both really regret our actions, then we won’t repeat our mistakes, so there’s nothing to worry about.”

I let out a long sigh, finally releasing the tension that had been building ever since that day. “Thank you, Shina. I swear, I’ll never hurt you again.”

I don’t know what I’d do without you, after all.

As my body relaxed, I suddenly realized my head was squishing against something soft, rather than the hard dirt of the training yard. It was slightly elevated off the ground too, as if on a pillow.

Huh. That’s odd.

Confused, my exhausted brain computed the geometry of the situation.

…

“W-why is my head on your lap!?”

“Well, Kerne said we shouldn’t move your body in case anything was broken, a-and I thought it would be softer than the ground, so…” Shina replied, petering out with reddened cheeks.

“H-have we been like this the whole time!?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Like, before everyone else left?”

She nodded. “Even Vandan was still here when I—”

“And you weren’t embarrassed at all!?”

“W-well, excuse me for worrying about you!”

“It’s not that, it’s just…”

Just what?

“… you know, you’re right. Thanks, Shina. I mean it.” I reclined my head again, deciding not to overthink things.

“D-don’t press down harder! Now I’m self-conscious about it!”

“Tsk. There’s no winning with you, is there?”

Despite how crippled my body was, Shina and I continued to tease one another in the same way we always used to until our friends finally returned.