Mixed Feelings on the Expedition

 The atmosphere in the carriage felt heavier than it should have. Or maybe that was just me. I sat with my fingers uneasily rapping on the edge of the carriage. There were too many students this time for cars. The whole division was piled into five or so carriages drawn by horses. I was trying not to let my eyes wander too much toward Estel, who sat at the center of the carriage I was on, looking at me in disappointment and coldness. It was frankly a bit awkward after the cafeteria incident, and especially after… that class.. But of course, my mind wouldn’t stop thinking about it.

Back a couple of days ago, I was walking with Historia, Darren, and Estel to the Dark Magic class. They seemed confused when I went into the class with them, and sat there. That was, until the professor called my name. When class was over and we came out, the mood had changed. Historia’s silver eyes were perplexed. Darren’s usual smug face frowned. And Estel…Estel had looked at me in a way I hadn’t seen him look at me before. He’d looked… disappointed?

“Rosaria,” he said, confused. “You belong in general magic, don’t you? Why are you in the Dark Magic class?”

I swallowed, straightened my shoulders, and forced the words out. “I swapped classes. I want to help on the frontlines.

It wasn’t a complete lie. If I wanted to know more about the situation between the three to save Estel, I needed to know more about how Historia acted.

Historia’s voice, soft as always, had followed. “You don’t understand how dangerous the dark creatures are. Please reconsider. This isn’t like in Elementary or Middle grade Academy. We don’t always have to be together. Know where you belong, Rosaria.”

Her words stung, and that slight jab didn’t go unnoticed by me.Though, it seemed like the other two thought the same this time around, so they didn’t really seem to note her sharp words. The Rosaria they thought they knew wouldn’t survive this story since she was quite gentle in their school years, never fully acting and decided to be in the backlines. And because I couldn’t bear the thought of standing helplessly again.

“Rosaria… Please.” Estel said again, “Go back to the general magic division before the expedition. You’re safer there.”

Now, the memory gnawed at me as the carriage wheels clattered over the uneven road toward a village that has been consistently attacked at night. I glanced across the bench. Estel sat with a posture straight, but relaxed in a way that always seemed impossible to mimic. His heterochromatic eyes scanned the rows of students, and when his eyes always met mine, he quickly looked away. Of course he’d been chosen as one of the guides for the expedition. He’d been trained longer, harder, and it showed. At times like this, I wish I had been stuck with Historia or even Darren. I don’t know if I can handle my favorite character looking at me in disappointment. Trying not to feel the weight of Estel’s silence like it was pressing down on my chest… It reminded me too much of Edwards' own gaze…

Here I was, wedged between students nervously clutching our spellbooks, trying not to look like we were panicking on what was to come. I sighed softly, gaze drifting to the dark forest rolling outside. Monsters, Historia had called them. Dangerous creatures of the night. And here we were, rattling toward them like lambs to slaughter. I wondered what they looked like. The original novel never mentioned much about them, only of ‘monsters’. That was one of the few things I nitpicked about Amor’s story, but it seemed that she had kept them vague for the readers' own interpretations…

The wheels of the carriage came to a halt as we were told to get off and line up near the staff. I looked over at Estel, who seemed to not want to even give me the time to even talk to him. “Estel-” I called out.

“Not now Rosaria. We’re here for the Expedition. Not some afternoon teapart.” He said.

His words hurt. He really didn’t think I could do it in the frontlines. Truth be told, I didn’t feel confident in myself, but… If I wanted to know the scope of how much the characters changed, I had to be out here with everyone else. It was selfish of me to put Rosaria’s life in danger like this, but I can’t have Estel die. Not after the pain both of us felt mourning his loss.

I walked over to Professor Magio near some empty stables. The village was littered with wooden housing made up mostly of magically cured logs piled over one another neatly for the architecture. Some of the more important buildings like the Inn and the home of the head of the village seemed to have an outer coating of adobe and stone to keep the wooden layers protected.

It was beautiful, with all the natural paved roads with stones embedded into the dirt. Occasionally, there were some kids picking off fruits off the trees littered around the village, not caring if they were in front of someone else's home. It seemed they were pretty relaxed in people just grabbing straight from the trees. The air definitely felt a lot more fresh and pine scented, considering the homes were surrounded by forest, but wasn’t exactly too far away from the ocean either.

“General division, set protective charms around the border. Dark Magic division, traps and wards. Save your strength. The real work begins at nightfall,” Professor Magio instructed.

I took some enchanted papers from my magic bag, sticking some of them on the stable before writing magic scriptures on them. Others got to work by going a bit further away from the village and wrote charms on the floor. I couldn’t help but peer over towards Estel, but he was busy chanting big spells, and the last thing I wanted to do was bother him. I had to prove I was worth being in the frontlines. I had to adjust to this world, and fast.

Night fell quickly as we were all at work. The seasoned students ate like it was any other day, while the rest of us picked at our food with churning stomachs. Many of the villagers had been taken by some of the carriages to a safer location, only leaving one behind in case of a dire emergency. There weren’t that many survivors anyways. It seemed this village had borne the brunt of the Creatures attacks…

My plate sat half-full, my stomach filled with anxiety to eat, when Estel finally stood, his gaze finding me across the firelight. He sighed and motioned with his hand. “Come with me.”

Estel didn’t wait to see if I followed. He moved with that quiet grace of his, steps crunching lightly over the pine needles as he led me away from the fire and the crowd of students. The air was colder here, sharper, as if it wanted to keep secrets hidden in the shadows. He stopped near the edge of the wards, where the protective charms shimmered faintly against the dark.

“Rosaria.” His voice was low, steady. Too steady. “Why are you doing this?”

I froze. “Doing what?”

His eyes found mine then, and for once he didn’t look away. Silver and blue bore into me with something heavier than disappointment. It was worrying, thick and suffocating. “Joining Dark Magic. Putting yourself here, of all places. You already…” His voice trailed, but I knew what he meant. The boat. The icy water closing over me. The fact that no one still knew who had pushed me.

“I…” My throat tightened, but I forced the words out. “I don’t want to be left behind. Not anymore.”

“That is not a reason.” His tone sharpened, but only slightly. “This isn’t about pride, Rosaria. These creatures are not sparring partners. They will kill you if you falter for even a moment.”

Something in me snapped. “Then let them try.” The words flew out sharper than I intended. I took a step closer, close enough to see the crease between his brows, the way his posture stayed calm even while his eyes gave him away. “Because I’m not going back. Not to the sidelines. Not when it means watching you…” My voice caught before I said too much. Watching you die. Watching you fall for Historia again.

But Estel was perceptive. He always was. His lips parted as if to speak, then closed again. “Rosaria… you’ve changed.”

A laugh slipped out, quiet and bitter. “Is that so strange? Maybe I was tired of being passive. Maybe I was tired of watching from afar.” My hand tightened on the edge of my cloak. “I just… I want to stand beside you. That’s all. Even if no one else thinks I should.”

He studied me, long and searching, and I thought for a moment he might see right through me. See the way my heart only beat this stubbornly because of him. At last, he sighed, shoulders softening. “You’re reckless,” he said quietly, almost like an admission. “But… fine.. Do as you see fit.”

“I’ll prove myself tonight,” I whispered, almost to myself. “For you.”

But the wind stole the words before he could hear them. Or maybe he did, and chose not to respond. His expression was unreadable as he turned back toward the campfire, leaving me in the dark with nothing but the echo of my own resolve. Though… I didn’t miss the slight redeeming on his ears as I walked back to camp with him.

The firelight flickered in front of us as Estel and I walked back to the edge of camp. The wards shimmered faintly against the dark, like thin glass that could shatter with one wrong touch. He had already started walking back, but he waited for me to catch up. His shoulders rose and fell in a slow breath before he looked over at me, his expression conflicted as he mulled over his words..

I watched him all the while he took his time processing his thoughts. My cloak brushed the ground as I took steps to match his pace, the chill of the night biting harder as time passed us.

“You really are stubborn,” Estel said at last. His tone was quieter now, not sharp, not guarded. There was even the smallest tug of amusement at the corner of his lips.

I held back a smile, keeping my voice measured as I walked next to him. “It’s not stubborn if I’m right.”

He gave the softest huff, the kind of laugh you could miss if you were not paying attention. For the first time since I became Rosaria, he felt less like the distant Estel Misfortuna of Amor’s pages and more like someone my age. Normal. Tired. Human. And that made my chest ache more than anything else.

His eyes shifted toward me. His silver and blue steady, yet had a hint of curiosity. “Tell me the truth, Rosaria. Why do you really want to be here? By my side?”

My throat caught. My heart jumped like he could see through my secret. Because I love you. Because I lost Edward, and then I lost you in a book series… Twice. I can’t have it happen again. Because I loved you when you were only words on a page, and now I love you even more when you are here in front of me, real. But that was not what Rosaria would say. That was only what I could say in my head.

I forced myself to breathe evenly. I had to keep my voice calm. “Because you and Historia were always so close when we were kids. I was jealous…. and.. I always wanted to know you better, to stand beside you… not behind you.”

His gaze lingered on me like he was weighing each word. Then he looked away, as if my answer unsettled him in some way. “Jealous,” he repeated softly, a small huff of laughter escaping him. “That’s new coming from you. You never really spoke your mind about stuff like that before. But.. Most people only ever see me as Darren’s shadow. Or … A second choice…”

I clenched my hands in my lap, nails biting into my palms. You are not anyone’s shadow. Or a second choice. Historia may think you are but… You are brilliant, thoughtful. You are more than either her or Darren. They don’t deserve to stand beside you…

“I don’t think you’re anyone’s shadow,” I said instead. “Or second choice. You’re simply you. And that’s more than enough.”

And… someone's first choice… The words almost slipped out of my mouth. That’s too honest. Too Rose Evergreen, not Rosaria Drewitt. I bit them back. But it seemed everything else held weight for him.

Estel’s head turned toward me slowly as he stopped in his tracks. His eyes caught the glow of the spheres of light from the village, searching me as though I had given him a riddle without an answer. “You’re strange, Rosaria,” he said at last, his tone softer than before. “Strange… but different from before. I don’t hate it.”

My heart skipped, heat rushing up my neck. Do not grin like an idiot. Do not ruin this moment with your fangirling. He is talking to you like you and acknowledging your efforts Rose. Do not ruin it.

We stood there in the quiet, the silence between us not heavy this time but almost comfortable. My thoughts spun wildly anyway. Ever since I came into this world, I loved him even more than I thought possible. It was terrifying how much heavier it felt now, how over these past few weeks it has only felt much more real.

On the pages of ‘Historia’s Ever After’, and ‘His Amour’, loving him was safe. Here, it was alive, My heart raced, my cheeks felt warm. My head only filled with the times I would see him... I reeled it back before it spilled over. If I said too much, if I went full fangirl now, I would lose him. I could not let that happen.

“I just want to stand beside you,” I said, my voice quiet, more honest than I should have allowed. Hoping this time, he would react to my words.

Estel studied me again, then sighed. His shoulders relaxed in a way that made him seem less like the noble second lead and more like someone who was simply tired of carrying silence. “You’re reckless,” he said gently, repeating the words he said earlier “but if this is the path you have chosen, then I won’t stop you. Still, I hope you’re not burning yourself away in the process. I’ll make sure you go back to the academy in one piece after this expedition.”

God, why did he have to say things like that. Why did he have to make me want to throw everything away and tell him everything, right here, right now. That I loved him. That I would change the whole story for him if I had to. Estel was always the noblest character in Amor’s stories. It wasn't only his appearance. His kindness… His gentleness. The way he would defy things silently… Even if he was a doormat at times… His grace and morals were always strong, and that's what always made him shine the brightest for me, in a moment of utter darkness.

We finally got back toward camp together, the warmth of the fire growing closer, the sound of students faint over the night air. His steps matched mine, steady and quiet, and for the first time he did not look like he wanted to walk away.

“Estel, Rosaria. Back from your little private talk?” One of the students said suggestively with an eyebrow wiggle. Estel looked at him unamused, he almost eyerolled.

“Just giving Rosaria the rundown of what to do when the creatures show up.

We sat down, and I went to see if I could get my food warmed up. It was probably long cold by now.

And then I heard it.

A faint hiss, like whispers curling through the trees. My breath hitched as my head snapped toward the dark.The whispers got louder. And between the trees, the shadows moved. Dozens of tiny red sparks blinked into view. Glowing red eyes. Watching. Circling.

Estel stilled beside me, his posture tense, his hand hovering near his enchanted sword. “Stay close,” he said quietly.

My heart pounded in my chest. The whispers grew louder, almost maddeningly unbearable. The red glowing eyes multiplied, and massed together like a tidal wave of darkness... The creatures of darkness had arrived.