Chapter 16: The Protagonist and Her Determination

It’s been a few days since I had my little—well, not so little—mental breakdown. That talk with the professor helped me more than I expected. It reminded me of something Dana once told me: go out, move your body, exercise to chase away the bad vibes.

So here I am, doing exactly that, practicing a little in the gym. My fists cut through the air as if my shadow were a real opponent. I tried to recall the kickboxing lessons I once took with Teo.

Every punch echoed not just in my wrists, but inside my head too. Between heavy breaths, I found myself thinking about Maxine.

"Like… how the heck am I supposed to talk to Maxine?"

Truth be told, nothing came to mind. I had this strong feeling that anything I tried would be rejected. It was like she had built a wall of pure rejection around herself, an invisible barrier that kept everyone away.

But that doesn’t mean strength—I know that look too well. That hardened, distant gaze that makes it seem like nothing can touch you, like you’re fine.

I used to wear that same mask… until someone dragged me out of the dark. And now… I wanna be that light for her.

Why? Simple. Because I know exactly how awful it feels to be trapped in that place, all alone.

I really did know.

***

It had been two years since Mariel left. My school life was dead. Honestly… it was hell.

They blamed me for her leaving, so her group made sure to isolate me even more. And while people say kids can be careless, that’s not always true. They hurt me, yes—but never dared to hit me. Their cruelty was subtler, sharper.

In some ways, I might’ve preferred if they had just hit me. At least then I’d have an excuse to ask for help… though let’s be real, I probably would’ve stayed quiet anyway. Out of fear… out of those stupid rumors about Mariel and me.

I was sinking, and one day I just… couldn’t take it anymore.

Who knows why. Maybe I just woke up in a bad mood. Maybe one of their “jokes” finally hit a nerve I couldn’t stand. I don’t know. All I know is that day… I broke.

It was during gym class, but I couldn’t even walk inside.

Someone had trashed my uniform to make it look like I was careless. There were nasty notes too… ones I don’t even wanna recall. Or rather—I won’t, for the sake of my sanity.

Point is, I couldn’t take it anymore.

And you’d think that in that moment, like some fairytale hero, I’d rise like a phoenix with newfound strength to fight back. But no. I became even more pathetic.

I ran.

I found myself on the deserted rooftop of the school. I don’t even remember how I got there. All I know is that before I realized it, one foot was already past the edge, my hands clutching the railing as I stared down at the concrete below.

The wind whipped at me, tugging at my skirt and tangling my hair. And honestly? It felt good. Too good. Free, light, like nothing could reach me anymore.

That feeling of freedom was intoxicating. A forgotten happiness brushed me like a soft kiss. I just needed to let go.

"Wait! What the hell are you doing, idiot?!"

A voice exploded behind me, and suddenly someone yanked me away from the edge. My body slammed hard against the railing, knocking the air out of my lungs.

When I turned, I saw a girl my age.

Her freckled face was streaked with tears, and her fiery red hair seemed to glow in the fading sunset. Her hands trembled as they clutched my jacket with desperate strength, like letting go meant losing something she couldn’t replace.

"What… are you doing?"

"What do you mean what am I doing?! What the hell are you doing trying to jump?!" Her voice cracked, fragile like her trembling fingers.

Her words hit me like a strange echo.

In that moment, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t comprehend who this girl was, or why she was crying so painfully while holding on to me like she’d never let me go.

"… You… I don’t know you. J-just let me go."

I weakly pushed against her grip, but my voice didn’t even sound convincing.

"No freakin’ way!" she yelled, her fear twisting every word. "If I do, you’re gonna jump, right?"

She swallowed hard, her lips trembling like every syllable weighed a ton.

"L-listen… I don’t know what the hell you’re going through, but this… this isn’t the way. Killing yourself isn’t the way."

"What do you know?" I spat, more tired than angry.

She faltered. Her eyes were red, not from her hair, but from the storm of tears and anger burning inside them.

"W-well, I don’t know you…" she admitted in a small voice. "But if you do it… I’m sure your family would be really sad."

I said nothing.

The silence between us was heavy, as if even the wind had stopped just to listen.

"… Don’t tell me bringing up your family was a mistake…" she stammered, tightening her grip on my jacket. "T-then… damn it… what else can I say? I was just skipping class and… I ended up here. If you jump… I… I’m gonna have nightmares, okay?"

I blinked. That excuse was clumsy, childish, selfish, and ridiculous.

And yet… somehow, it worked.

A small laugh escaped me, so faint it felt like a secret shared with the air.

"Nightmares? Because of me?"

"Of course! Don’t you get it? It’d be like one of those horror movies… where someone dies and then haunts the person who saw it happen. Your ghost would totally curse me!"

"… That sounds pretty bad."

"It is! So… please—" she gulped again, calmer now, though still trembling—"just step away from the edge, okay?"

I didn’t want to. A part of me still longed to jump, to end it all. But then… I thought of my family.

Now that my heartbeat wasn’t racing so wildly, I realized what my plan would’ve done to them. It would’ve left a scar that never healed.

"Okay…" I whispered.

And that was the first time I met Dana Katja.

I guess it was also the first time, since Mariel left, that I truly smiled.

The situation wasn’t pretty, but it’s a memory I treasure. Because in the middle of my despair, someone—whether by accident, clumsily, or selfishly—saved me.

Back to the present, I lay on the cold gym floor, drenched in sweat. The echo of that day still pulsed in my chest.

My thoughts drifted to Maxine.

She always looked like she could bear everything without flinching. Her eyes were sharp, her stance untouchable… but deep down, I didn’t believe it. Deep down, I had the feeling she was alone. Completely alone.

I don’t want anyone else to feel that way.

Maybe I’m being egocentric, imagining Maxine feels the same way I did back then. But I know it. I’m sure that, like me, she also wants someone by her side.

Just like Professor Isac said: we’re never really alone.

I don’t want to leave Maxine drowning in the dark. I wanna be a small light on her path.

I inhaled, filling my lungs with fresh air until my chest hurt.

Then I exhaled, letting out a long sigh, as if I could finally let go of the pain those memories still carried.

I know I’m being selfish. Pure selfishness. I’m doing this to cling to my ties to my real life—my sister, my family, my friends.

But also…

I also want… to help her.