The Agony of Shortcomings

Conrad did not feel strong enough for this.

The first order of business was to repair the fencing around the home, quite obviously. Conrad, Carmela and Joshua worked together on the process, starting the morning after the incident. Joshua set to work inquiring with local merchants about denser, higher-quality wood that could be used to build an entirely new, more effective fence. But for the moment, focusing on the damaged areas would have to suffice.

Conrad developed a sense of intense paranoia in the days following the incident. As he set himself to work repairing the fence, he couldn't help but steal glances over at Carmela. Her face was utterly carved from stone. The day after the attack, both Joshua and Carmela had sat with Conrad and told him directly that they did not blame him for what had happened. But this uneasiness simply would not leave Conrad. What if they were simply saying that in an attempt to be decent, and secretly resented him for missing when he fired that arrow?

It was taking everything that the young man could manage to stay composed. To contribute. To work the field, train, and better himself. He reminded himself over and over again that the other two had it so much worse. He could not allow a single negative sentiment to pass his lips. He did not deserve that, in the face of their suffering.

Not with the understanding that Carmela had lost her mother, and Joshua, his wife.

And so on the boy worked. No time to grieve. Not when the others were demonstrating nothing but stoicism as well. There was no time for pain. First the fence, then the fields. Joshua took over cooking, leaving the farm work to the strong, young folk.

He pushed himself further and further. Contributed more and more. He continued working past the time of day that he would stop prior to the incident. Joshua would call him in for dinner. He would come call him in again. It became a reoccurring issue.

He trained for longer and longer durations. Carmela took over refining his swordsmanship. She had picked up a wealth of understanding on the subject from her mother. Their sessions were focused, humorless, driven affairs. They reached an unspoken understanding that they were there to help each other improve. There were no distractions, no words spoken beyond quick advice and simple corrections.

To say that Conrad had never been exposed to any strenuous challenge was unfair. He had become incredibly studious at his father's behest back in his world. He had his fair share of late nights spent finishing up various computer projects and other assignments. But there was a dire sense of purpose beyond what he was going through now, and he knew Carmela was feeling it too.

The nightmarish event had imbedded in them a sense of responsibility unlike ever before. It was one thing to be taught that you had to become strong to protect your family. It was another thing altogether to fail to demonstrate that strength when it mattered the most. And Conrad and Carmela had absolutely no way of knowing how deeply it would scar them to finally learn this lesson.

Eventually, two weeks passed since the incident. That was how long it took for Conrad to finally fall apart. He had just finished up practice with Carmela, and was heading over to report to Joshua for archery. He stood before the much older and wiser man, and Joshua looked down, inspecting Conrad for a moment. He looked back up, and gave Conrad a simple command.

"Hold your hands out for me, Conrad."

Conrad hesitated, but relented. Joshua clearly wasn't going to take no for an answer. Conrad held out his hands, and both he and Joshua watched as they shook violently in front of their eyes. Joshua eyed Conrad for a moment, a tremendously serious look on his face, and uttered the sentence that shattered the boy.

"Conrad, no matter how much you overwork yourself, it will not bring Cassandra back to life."

Conrad's entire body began to shake along with his hands. He was physically unable to prevent himself from vibrating. Desperate, pitiful, awful noises came babbling out of the boy's throat. He focused, fortifying himself with every last bit of strength and focus left dwindling in him, and spoke.

"I need to practice archery with you now, Joshua."

"You need to rest."

A pause.

"I need to practice archery with you now, Joshua."

"No you do not."

"I can't miss again."

Joshua did not respond. He simply allowed the boy to say his piece.

"I can't miss again, Joshua. The next time I shoot an arrow at a threat, I can't miss. I can't stop training with Carmela either. I need a good sword arm. What if someone attacks me with a blade again, like the goblins did? I need to be able to beat anyone."

Joshua's eyes narrowed.

"I can't stop working either. We need to make sure the field is being looked after. There's always work to do. Growing food for people is good, honest work that needs to be done. Cassandra told me that too." That last sentence was punctuated with a sob that Conrad could not hold back for the life of him.

"Conrad, you need a break."

"I NEGLECTED THIS!"

The sentence came ripping out of Conrad's mouth.

"YOU! YOU NOTICED MY TRAINING WAS IMBALANCED! YOU WERE RIGHT! I WAS PUTTING MORE TIME INTO PRACTICING WITH CASSANDRA BECAUSE I LIKED THE SWORD MORE! AND NOW THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE OF THAT!"

Conrad walked backwards, unable to meet Joshua in the eye anymore. His vision swam with tears.

"I've gotta...I've gotta get better...I'm not good enough...I'm not good enough..."

"Are you finished, Conrad?"

It was not Joshua who spoke this sentence. The two men looked over and saw Carmela standing nearby, glowering at Conrad.

"At least you HAD your bow with you. At least you had your equipment prepared. What did I have on me? A blade and nothing else! You did what you could! Everything you could!"

Before Carmela could press further, Joshua intervened.

"Didn't you nod off behind the house that night, Carmela?"

Carmela blinked, surprised. She nodded.

"Yeah, dad. There was a nice breeze. I got a little drowsy and passed out."

"An attack like this on our farm has NEVER happened prior to now. Not before you were born, and not after. And our fence is perfectly sufficient to keep wolves at bay. You had zero reason to believe we would be invaded. How in the world can I fault you for not keeping a bow next to you as you take a nap?"

Carmela had no response. She simply stared at the ground.

"And you, Conrad. Those swordsmanship skills that you seem to regret focusing on. Before you arrived to back Cassandra and I up that night, did you not apply them? Carmela mentioned to me the day after the attack that you protected her."

Conrad's eyes widened. He had squared off with and killed one of the goblins that night. With how much he had been fixating on Cassandra, everything else about the night had taken a back seat in his brain. He had stepped in and protected Carmela in a terrible situation.

"Yes, sir. I did. Carmela killed one of the goblins that night, but then her weapon got stuck in its corpse. I arrived in time to fight and kill the other one."

"That's what I heard too. You took those skills that you had been building, and applied them to protect my daughter. There's a strong chance she would not be here talking with us today if it was not for you. And yet, you're standing here trying to convince me that you are in the wrong. Please explain how that makes sense."

Conrad had no response whatsoever.

"No. I will not entertain the standpoints coming from either of you. Neither of you are to blame for the night's events. If there is anything or anyone to blame, it is whatever force is at work that caused the goblins to leave their dens and take up residence in this area. That is entirely unnatural."

Carmela nodded slowly. "Yes. You and mom taught me about goblins. Slower than wolves, naturally, but stronger, extremely cunning, and capable of using tools. When we checked the holes in the fences after, it seems they either used small black powder bombs, or magic."

Joshua ran his fingers through his beard. "Right. Resources that we know goblins are capable of using. They're not quite as smart as we humans are, but they certainly aren't stupid either. The goblins and the wolves in the area likely smelled food. They do have keen senses."

The three were quiet for a moment. Joshua broke the silence again.

"That's enough for now. Stop blaming yourselves. I care about you both tremendously. For tonight...let's just go get some sleep."

Conrad relented, nodding.