Regret

The wedding venue was a rooftop garden at the town hall. They closed off the building to the public for the rest of the day just for this ceremony. Sabedra acted as my escort, but since I appeared to be a ten-year-old child, she looked more like my chaperone.

Sabedra prepared herself for the ceremony by puffing up her dress and growing more frills on it. With her shapeshifting ability, she could have changed her outfit however she wanted. “What a waste,” I accidentally blurted out, though she didn’t seem to hear me.

The gentle breeze swayed the grey flower petals. The dull flower beds made the people among them stand out more. I recognized some guests as the nobles we had greeted this morning, though I still couldn’t remember any of their names. There were also elf warriors with full sets of armor on standby at different corners of the garden.

“Are they expecting an attack?” I asked Sabedra, even though she wasn’t part of the organizers. Guess I got brainwashed by her title.

“Traditionally, elf weddings happen after the archery proposal, where the proposer has to defeat their prospective spouse in an archery match. They skipped it this time, so they want to tighten up their security to make sure nothing else goes wrong.” It turned out Sabedra had the answer. And judging by the warrior’s glances that were directed at me, I would guess that I was on top of their list of potential threats.

“I don’t understand why they are so worried. I can stop any surprise attack by myself,” Sabedra continued. But before she could brag about herself further, she spotted a catering table packed with plates of snacks.

“Actually, there’s something I have to do.” She abandoned me right after saying that, dashing straight to the table. The ferocity of her movements imparted fear to the catering staff’s faces.

I could only sigh and silently pray for the staff’s mental well-being. There was still some time before the scheduled starting time of the ceremony, but I didn’t want to mingle with anyone here, so I found an empty seat and sat down.

Lyla hadn’t appeared yet. She might only enter the place with the groom after the start of the ceremony. I wondered how she truly felt about her husband-to-be and the wedding. The answers she had given me before weren’t enough for me to gauge what lay deep in her heart.

In the first place, was there even such a thing as “true feelings” and “deep in her heart”? The unconscious is a popular target to attribute such things to. But it is only a mystified term that can mean a lot of things. Emotions with unknown sources, the reflections after the impulse, and stored traces of memory that can’t be recalled; these can all be sources of regret after a decision. What we really mean when we ask if we “truly want” something is whether we would regret it. It’s all about regret.

As I wrapped up my series of thoughts, I realized that all the guests had taken a seat. Everyone except Sabedra, who was still stuffing her mouth with snacks. Servants carrying refilled plates hurried into the venue to replace the empty ones. Cyrus was lucky to have had the foresight to prepare for this scenario.

It was then time for the bride and groom to enter. The groom, Nephrite, was in a moss green chiton. He didn’t look that unique compared to the other elves, but he emanated a gentle aura.

Lyla looked more beautiful than I had ever seen her. Maybe it was thanks to her purple princess-line dress or her makeup, or maybe the marvel of marriage just brought out the best of her.

She had a standard smile on her face. I couldn’t tell if it was forced or organic. Memories of her glare flashed in my mind. It was still so vivid, her expression when she asked for my advice back in the shop at Nautia. Did any of those feelings remain? Did she manage to resolve her internal conflict? My eyes locked onto her, scrutinizing her every tiny motion.

There weren’t any hints about the state of her inner world. I tried to recall my understanding of Lyla, hoping it would be enough to create a connection to her. All so I could know what to do.

She was someone lonely, alienated by her lack of talent in archery since she was young. She didn’t have many friends, so she never learned to put things artfully, but she had always been sincere. Someone who wouldn’t lie about their feelings. She often did and said things before thinking. She loved archery so much that she would leave her home for it. And… and…

That was the extent of what I knew about her. And no inner voice except for Coyote’s persistent murmuring rang in my head. I was desperate for a sound, so much so that my own thoughts sounded more and more like Lyla’s voice. And each of her subtle gestures, a flick of her hair, a twitch of her face, felt like a secret signal to me. But these were all just confabulations of the mind, a reach for order in the chaotic swirl of information.

The couple arrived at the altar in front of the audience. Even the placement of the altar was calculated, so the audience could see the Titan’s Foot/giant tree in the distance behind the pair. The host of the ceremony announced something, though I was too distracted by my inner turmoil to listen.

At this rate, the ceremony would be over before I made a decision. The window for action was fading. I could let it pass and be satisfied with Lyla’s apparent happiness. This way, salvaging my friendship with her would be possible. After the ceremony, I could go to Lyla and request her help with the situation in Nautia. She would surely provide some help, especially if she knew Coyote was in danger.

The happiness she displayed must have been what she felt inside. She wasn’t one to hide her emotions, after all. This conclusion was getting more convincing in my mind, but something still felt odd. This would be the last chance for her to back out. I didn’t know if divorce would be possible for elves, but from the way Lyla put it, marriage would stop her from travelling. Was travelling truly that important to her?

This was a senseless circle I had drawn inside my mind. I kept spinning, swirling, and turning within it. The progress was an illusion. I was remaining in the same place, repeating the same arguments, and looping the same information. What would psychology tell me in situations like this?

Psychology is built on observation and experiments, so I needed the influx of new information and perspectives; otherwise, confirmation bias would tie me down, false memories would insert themselves, and anxiety would keep me thinking but never doing. And at the end of the garden path, might only lie regret. Scrap that. I would probably regret it.

But… even the regret of a painful failure is better than the regret of doing nothing at all.

“Wait a second!” I stood up and yelled to the point of straining my voice. “I object to this marriage!” The host stopped talking. The guests started whispering among themselves. Nephrite and Lyla stared at me. Lyla’s face was filled with rage. Her expression sapped some of my confidence. My voice dried up for a moment, but then, I saw the elf warriors positioned around crossing towards me. I had to finish what I wanted to say.

“I’m… I’m demanding an archery proposal!” I forced out the words.

Cyrus’s condescending voice struck me from behind. “We are skipping the archery proposal. You have no right, even as our esteemed guest, to demand it.”

I turned around to face Cyrus’s frown as the guards seized me. “No! I’m talking about my archery proposal! I’m proposing to Lyla! Since Nephrite didn’t do it, I should have the right to!”

The other guests chuckled, although Cyrus couldn’t find my statement funny at all. He maintained a solemn look. “You are truly ignorant. You need to capture Lyla’s quiver to earn the right to an archery proposal.”

“I did! Back when we were at Nautia, I grabbed onto her quiver! You can ask her if you don’t believe me.” I squeezed out the words that sounded dirtier than they should. Finally, I understood Lyla’s extreme reaction back then.

More whispers arose around me. “What was their relationship?” “So the rumors are true. Lady Lyla… has a fondness for young boys.” Sorry, Lyla. I promise I’ll clear this up later.

Actually, she could even clear it up right this moment. She could deny that I was telling the truth. I didn’t have further proof of my claim. Sure, there were witnesses, but they were back at Nautia and brainwashed.

This was it. The verdict that would determine my fate. If I got the wrong idea, if she was truly happy, any ties between us could end here. It all depended on what she would say.