Chapter 4

I went to the nearby stream to wash away all the dirt and blood from me, and, ignoring Luna’s advice, I put on my old clothes. I didn't plan to let it transform me into a beast, so I didn’t need to worry about them being ripped. The familiarity of them lifted my mood until the memories of my home came back to me, and I walked back to the camp with tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Are you okay?”, Luna asked as I came back.

I ignored her and sat down on the opposite side of the fire, wondering what I should do now… I pulled my knees against my chest and watched the smoke rise from the fire.

“You can come with me if you want…”, Luna said. “I will be heading back to my settlement soon”

I looked at her in surprise. I had never thought about where she came from, and only now realised that she probably didn’t live in the forest. She walked over to me and sat down by my side.

“Not everyone hates or fears us.”, she said.

I stared at her as the realisation sank in. She… had people who accepted her? Would my family…? I shook my head. I had heard how my settlement talked about these monsters, and I knew I would never be welcomed there again.

“Why do they…?”, I tried.

“Because they understand that we are not that different from them”, Luna replied.

“But…”

I looked at her, confused. She leaned back and watched the sky.

“They understand that we can cooperate. We can feel the Spectres coming, and we can kill them. That’s how I got you out of that bunker”

I blinked and she continued,

“My settlement knows we can help them. For most people, we’re only tales that they fear. We’ve always existed, but before the Fall, no one cared as long as we kept out of sight. When the Spectres rose and the military realised the EMP-rifles weren't enough to stop them, they turned to folklore and occultists' methods instead and found us…”

“So why didn’t it…?” I asked quietly.

She sighed.

“Too late, I guess…”

I shivered at her words and went silent. She pulled an old notebook from her bag and started to flip through it, leaving me alone with my thoughts. At least I would be able to come with her. Staying with her meant being reminded of what I had become and what I had lost, but I knew I didn’t have any other choice.

I watched the sun slowly setting, and a strange uneasiness grew in me as the wolf pushed harder to try to transform, and I wondered how long I would manage to hold it at bay. When the last rays disappeared behind the mountains and the night’s chill filled the air, Luna closed her notebook, added more wood to the fire, and got up.

She stretched herself and then turned to me.

“We will need more food. Do you want to come for a hunt?”

I smiled at first at her offer, having something to do would be a nice change, but then I froze and looked away when I realised what she meant. She kept looking at me, but I ignored her gaze, and she sighed and shook her head.

“I will be back soon… Stay here.”

With one swift move, she undid the scarf wrapped around her waist, and her poncho fell to the ground, but before I could have a closer look, a big grey wolf stood in her place. A cold shiver ran down my spine seeing it so close to me, and I didn’t dare to move as its yellow eyes, her eyes, stared at me.

The pressure behind my eyes became almost unbearable as my wolf tried to find its way out, and it took all my strength to push it back. When I opened my eyes again, she was gone, and I let out a long sigh. I gazed into the night when a sudden fear crept up. What if she came back and killed me? She was a monster… I should run now when I had the chance. I glanced towards the horses, but Falcon still stayed as far from me as he could.

Then I remembered my rifle.. I scrambled over to my bags and found it wrapped in a blanket. It gave me confidence. I placed it on my lap as I sat down with my back against the fire, hearing the howls echoing in the night. Would more of them come? Was she gathering her pack? Dark thoughts filled my mind, and my hands began to tremble as the wolf pushed against me, trying to get free.

“I am not a monster..” I whispered to myself.

Back then, I still hoped that if I just ignored it for long enough, it would somehow go away. If only I had listened to Luna, things would have been easier, but I was too afraid to let go of who I had been and accept what I had become.

Suddenly, the grey wolf emerged from the darkness, carrying two rabbits in its jaws, and she placed them next to the fire before looking at me. My body tensed, and I instinctively backed off, but the wolf stayed calm and simply lied down next to the fire. I slowly relaxed as we watched each other in silence.

“I guess you will not eat me”, I said quietly to distract me from my thoughts, and she looked at me with curiosity. “Not that you understand what I am saying anyway…”

I poked the fire with a stick, and she got up and walked over to me. I froze as she nudged at my hand with her nose.

“What do you want?”, I whispered.

She lay down, resting her head on my lap, and I let out a sigh of relief and began to pet her. It felt weird at first, but I soon forgot about it.

“You are more like a big dog than a scary wolf”, I told her with a smile, scratching her ear.

She whimpered and tried to climb up on my lap without realising she was too big for it. I fell on my back, laughing, and tried to push her away when a strange tremor shot through my body, and it took control before I even had a chance to scream.

I watched in terror as we ran into the night, and she howled with joy as Luna joined us. We chased each other, and I felt so helpless, being trapped in a body that refused to obey me and forced to feel what she felt and perceive the world through her senses.

I heard someone say my name. We were back in the camp, lying next to the fire, with my wolf head resting on Luna’s human lap. I pushed against the animal with all my strength, trying to come back to my human form, but it only made her growl quietly before she pushed me back.

“Relax..”, Luna said and patted my head.

She found it comforting, but I pushed away her feelings. I didn’t care. The only thing I wanted was to be back and have a human body again.

“Don’t make it more difficult, it doesn’t need to be like this”, Luna said. “You pushed her away first, and now she does it to you. Don’t fight each other, become friends”

Friends with the wolf…?

“Do you really want to resist for the rest of your life?”

She hugged my animal form and whispered,

“If you trust her, she will do the same. What is her name?”, she added.

I tried to ignore her question, but the name popped into my mind despite my efforts. Diana… I could feel her relaxing as Luna petted us… It felt weird at first, but in a strangely good way.

“Let’s rest”

Luna stood up and walked to her makeshift bed next to the fire, and we followed and lied down next to her. When I relaxed and didn’t fight her, it didn’t feel as bad… Weird, yes, but not bad. I wondered if she felt the same way when I was in control, and she had to observe what I did.