Sanity

The day was coming to an end, and so was my sanity.

A twilight sun had hidden behind the rundown hotel we were sitting in the shadow of. Rats scurried by our feet, but we'd become too exhausted to care. After hours of tailing Vagera through town, we didn't even bother hiding ourselves anymore. We were just journalists on the curb, waiting for our target to emerge.

Tsukino was sitting beside me, sullen. Her long, black hair had gotten matted after brushing against crowds all day. And like mine, her trench coat was covered in grime from us hiding inside bushes earlier.

Nothing had gone right.

I pinched my forehead to try calming myself. "So is this gonna be my life now?"

"Yes." Tsukino didn't even look at me. "You'll get used to things."

"That's not something I want."

"Too bad."

The sun continued setting behind us, the shadow of the hotel getting longer. I had to resist letting out a scream, to resist clawing my eyes out. Several things I'd seen, several things I'd allowed today, were all eating away at me. It all made me a bystander at best, and an accomplice at worst.

The silence between Tsukino and I was deafening. We were right next to each other yet couldn't be further apart.

But I still had to voice my mind.

"Tell me," I said. "How long have you been doing this job?"

"Don't worry about that."

"Can you at least mention if you like this work?"

She took a second to respond, thinking about it. "I'm good at our job. That doesn't mean I have to enjoy it though."

"That's—" I couldn't stop clenching my teeth. "Don't you have any aspirations? Goals? Something similar?"

"No."

"You don't ever feel like quitting? Or finding a new career?"

"I'm content."

You're . . . Happy? Disappointment streaked across my eyes. It was the final straw. "So you're content with letting a creep like Vagera do whatever he wants? To women?"

"Better them than me."

"You're fine with letting him cheat on his partner? Letting him go on dates with multiple women on the same day? And watching him steal another man's girlfriend?"

"I've said it before—our job is just being in the background. We're not the police of other people's affairs."

"Affairs? This is way more than affairs now! He's slept with at least five women today! And we had to wait outside the hotels every time! Why do we stalk someone like that? Over anyone else?"

She scoffed like I asked a dumb question. "You're letting your emotions control you. Just calm down—"

"I am calm!" I stood up in a blind fury, my heart pounding. I couldn't stop my teeth from grating until I pointed towards the hotel. "Look—right now, Vagera is in there fucking the one woman that didn't want him! He drugged her drink and carried her over here! And somehow you're fine with that?"

Tsukino was biting her lips, trying hard not to yell. "We don't endorse what he does; but we don't interfere either. How is this complicated?"

"It's not! But you downplaying things makes it even worse . . . !"

We kept arguing back and forth, raising our voices enough to echo down the deserted street. It was our first real fight where no one could come out a winner. And as our shrill voices blared, even a lone pigeon along the roofs had a sad gleam in her eyes.

Nothing could silence my sentiments until we all heard a squeaky door swing open.

"Huh?" I said, looking over towards the hotel's entrance. Vagera in his blue suit emerged, carrying a dark-skinned woman, her clothes ruffled like someone else had taken them off and put them back on.

"Oh?" he told us. "You're both still out here it seems."

That bastard! I instantly took out my Memory Stone and began snapping photos. It was damning evidence I aimed to publish worldwide for everyone to see—of a Hero caught red-handed with the woman he'd just raped. Not just that, but all the other photos I took today also told a story. Even if this profession was terrible, at least it let me expose crimes.

But Vagera just sneered at me, posing for the photos with confidence.

"You're obviously unaware how this world works yet," Vagera said. "You'll learn. And just know that I dislike opportunists aiming to make names for themselves."

"That's fine. I don't care about my name," I said. My Memory Stone didn't stop snapping photos until I was satisfied. "You're a disgrace to actual Heroes unlike Amila and Nuri."

"Bahaha! Those two should have more fun! But they're busy with their own penchants."

"At least they're good people, unlike you."

Beside me, I felt Tsukino tug on my sleeve. Her stern eyes staring up at me tried hinting to just let him leave.

"Your lady knows what's best." Vagera turned his back to us. "Oh, but if she's ever interested in private photoshoots, do come find me."

Tsukino grunted, angered, but she didn't say anything back. There wasn't anything either of us could do as Vagera carried away the unconscious woman down a dark, deserted road, out into the world.

"Tsk," I said. "Let's just head back to our inn."

"Are you in a rush for something?"

"Yeah. I gotta write that article you said I'd author."

Her expression flinched. I couldn't tell what she was thinking as she took slow strides forward. But I followed behind her.

The slums of Besos Rojos reeked of rot and piss. Homeless people lived in tents on the sidewalk that forced us to walk around. When we turned the corner, rats and prostitutes scurried by almost like a parade. There wasn't a semblance left of Parisian luxury anymore.

"This place is even stinkier than earlier," Pixie Trixie on my shoulder said. "I'm happy if we're all together though!"

I knew she was just trying to lighten the mood, but I wasn't ready to talk yet. The only thing that could help soothe emotions swirling inside me remained writing that exposé on Vagera.

The rickety inn welcomed us inside—another ramshackle building falling apart from years of neglect. I led the way into our room, taking out paper and pencils from my backpack that was on the bed.

"What are you doing?" Tsukino behind me said.

"Article time," I said. There weren't desks to write on, so I just hunched over a drawer.

"Do you want advice?"

"No. Just let me work. I've been doing this for years already."

My pencil began gliding over paper. I wrote and wrote and wrote, jotting everything I'd witnessed today: Vagera cheating on his girlfriend, him dating several women at once, sleeping with multiple women, and stealing a man's girlfriend. The worst things occurred later when he'd tried grooming younger fans, and then ultimately spiked a woman's drink at a bar before lugging her away.

Tsukino was reading over everything I'd just written, shuffling through papers. I sat with an eager face, waiting on the bed, ready for her to praise my forty minutes of hard work. This would be our chance to soothe tensions and rekindle our friendshi—

She tore all the papers up. The shredded bits fell to the floor until there were enough to cover her shoes.

"What are you doing?" I yelled. "Didn't you see how long I spent on those?"

Her glare was cold, and more heartless than usual. "Don't waste my time making me read trash."

"Trash? Trash? I've probably been a journalist longer than you! I know how to write articles—"

"No! You don't know anything!" she snapped, grabbing my collar. "What the hell do you think would happen to Borsalino if we publish a hit piece on the Heroes? Huh? Do you want us getting shut down? Or worse yet, getting assassinated? Are you stupid?"

. . . It was a worry lingering in my mind I'd refused to acknowledge: that all roads in journalism just led towards censorship. No matter what world, it made no difference. News outlets were beholden to politicians and benefactors. And whoever controlled the media at large could bury anything that went contrary to their narrative.

"I-It doesn't matter!" I pried her hands off me. "I'll rewrite those articles just like they were, then we'll send them back to headquarters. Maybe Chief will see the value in the investigative reporting—"

"Stalking celebrities is what we do! It's almost all we do! You're not an investigative journalist, you're paparazzi! We have investigation teams, you're not on them! You're on the tabloid team! Act like it!"

"Why? It couldn't hurt to just send the articles over and see what Chief says!"

"Even if I let those papers go, our editors would butcher them! And then I'd get reprimanded for your dumbassery since I'm in charge of you!"

We kept bickering, our voices elevating to screams. We were almost at the point of throwing fists until Trixie flew between us.

"Please stop fighting!" she cried. "This isn't okay! We're all friends!"

"Stay out of this!" Tsukino said. "He needs a reality check!"

No. I'd never liked it when people talked down to me. It was always chuckleheads who thought they knew more than me. And for what? Just because they were the dogs of higher-ups, ready to wag their tails? Ready to suck dick under the table? Why was honesty always punished wherever I went?

Then sheathed inside my trench coat, I heard monstrous whispers invading my thoughts:

'I can sense your antipathy,' Dauntless Effigy said. 'Grasp me. Activate me. And I shall rend the flesh off that woman.'

"Shut up," I said aloud. "You don't know anything about me. You don't understand why life has been so hard."

Tsukino's face enraged, her teeth showing. Before I could even react she'd pounced on me and forced me back onto the bed.

"I've been doing this job for years!" she screamed. "You don't know what I've seen! What I've endured! You're on this job for two weeks and you're already acting like a victim! What do you know? Huh? HUH?"

"I know enough!" I flipped us over so I was pinning her instead. "If you can make a difference, why don't you at least try? I died saving a little girl's life! And you can't even write words on a paper?"

"Stop it!" Trixie morphed into a gorilla and ripped me off Tsukino. "Sh-She means well! Please don't be angry with her!"

"I'm already angry! She's always had an attitude since we first met!"

"J-J-Just relax! Please!"

My thrashing body got restrained by Trixie's strong arms. But I didn't feel that she meant harm; since she wasn't involved with this dispute after all.

I breathed out. And relaxed.

Tsukino sat up on the bed, shy. Her trench coat had partially slid off, and her hair was a mess. Though she'd calmed down too.

"I'm sorry," she said. "Jumping at you like that was unbecoming . . ."

"No, it's my fault too. I should've given you more time to explain things."

Trixie poofed back into a pixie while I sat beside Tsukino. Neither of us could look at the other, still feeling ashamed of what we'd done. Was I in the wrong though? Did just expressing my moral compass almost ruin a valuable friendship?

Who knows what happens from here . . .

"We had fun playing spies earlier," Tsukino said, fiddling with a pencil. "But our job really does demand we be bystanders most of the time. I hope you understand that."

"I get it. It's just—I wasn't expecting such a harsh response against criticizing Heroes."

"Sunlight is the best disinfectant. But we're limited in how much we can shine a light on Vagera's proclivities."

"Because of the church?"

She nodded.

Well that explains things. "I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed. But what's the limit for what we can critique about the Heroes then?"

"Milquetoast things are fine. Saying Vagera went on a date, or that he flirted with girls—those things are okay since everyone knows he's like that anyway."

"I guess this means all the pictures I took wouldn't get approved either?"

"Incriminating photos would be erased on sight by alchemists, yes."

"Sheesh." I stared up at the ceiling before speaking again. "Whistleblowers aren't welcome in any world."

"It's how Sin Nombre is. Vagera knows he has the church's backing, so he's confident about acting foolish since the press will never report it. That's why he let us follow him around and take pictures all day."

Remembering that smug grin of his made me want to puke. But why would the church protect someone like that? When it made the whole government reek of corruption?

Trixie who'd been hovering above floated onto my lap. I gave her head a little pat.

"Hehe. I'm happy for head rubbies."

"By the way," I asked Tsukino. "Even if we can't expose Vagera, that doesn't mean I have to write good things about him, right?"

"I'll handle fluff pieces. It's just that the church is strict about maintaining face. Because if citizens discover not all Heroes are ethical—it'd be disastrous to morale in the war against Nombre Olvidado."

The name of the demon continent still rang cold against my ears. But I was too exhausted to shiver. I needed a break from things.

"Hmmm?" Tsukino said. "Where are you going?"

I was already at the door turning the knob. "I'm going out for a walk. I'll be back later."

"A walk? At night?"

"Hey, hey!" Trixie flew at my face. "It could be dangerous outside! Let me come with you!"

"It's fine. Dauntless is with me, remember?" I smiled, trying to reassure her.

Trixie's pointy ears drooped. She hovered away to sit on a pillow.

"Just let him go," Tsukino said. "He probably still has a lot on his mind."

"Thanks. Won't be gone long." I vanished through the doorway down a dark hall. Creaky floorboards didn't let me sneak like I wanted. I could hear women's pleasurable moans and beds groaning, but that was just business as normal in these places.

Some candles were still lit downstairs. Faint light made it hard to maneuver around dinner tables when I heard a voice behind me.

"Oh, are you going out?" the daughter of the tavern master said. She was cute, wearing a cream apron wrapped tight around her waist.

"Yeah, I'll be gone for a bit. Mind leaving the door open?"

"No problem. But it does get cold outside sometimes. I'd hurry back."

With a silent thumbs up, I stepped out into the night and didn't look back.

This would be an investigation.