MISSING PERSONS - PART II

“This has to stop.”

Chris and Janus are both in the office this time, and while the Head of Recruitment paces, the Head of HR admonishes me as well as someone horizontal can manage.

“I know! I know!” I hold my hands up in supplication, “It’s just out of my control.”
How often am I basically waving my surrender?

“You’re meant to be keeping, like, a low profile!” he continues while the Roman God gnaws his fingers to the bone, “This is not a low profile, dude!”

“I get it, I really do, but I can’t help it.” Our back and forth goes on for a while. The two Department Heads – maybe three, what with Janus’ whole two-faced thing – mithering me over the conflict between Meganie and Nya’lah, like I can stop them, “They’re grown women, what am I meant to do?!.”

“Women?” Chris becomes vertical. All the better to focus on his chastisement, lest he relax too much and slip between the floor tiles, “There were, err... witnesses?”

“The fight in the quarantine room the other day...” reasonably confused at the disconnect, I try to confirm our subject of conversation, “...and the squabbling that’s taken place since?”

Janus jumps in, a jittering mess, “We do not care about your love triangle, Daemahken! You can deal with your personal life however you like. Though we would prefer it if things remained professional while you’re on the clock, the Returns Agency accepts that is not always possible when dealing with you hot-blooded hero types.” Then returns to wearing tram-lines into the beige carpet.

If his suit is polyester, the amount of static charge he’s building up might actually be dangerous.

“Well, if we’re not talking about Nya’lah and Anie being at each other’s throats, and mine, what are we talking about?”

I have no clue why else we would be in another meeting so soon.

I feel like I’m doing my job well enough. Picking all the easy search and rescue missions that aren’t glamorous enough for the real heroes, who prefer to fly in, slay the beast, save the day, and receive all the glory. They can’t possibly have an issue with my productivity or success rate, either. By taking smaller cases, I can fit more in, and keep myself safe from anything dangerous.

I am a QA Department’s dream!

“You are too good at the job.” the Head of Recruitment drops the axe.

Literally as well as figuratively. I thought he was putting together a gallows to hang from this time, but with the appearance of a blade, he must be building a guillotine.

I blink incredulously at the pair of them and struggle to find my words.

Chris picks up the baton and continues, “Look, you’re completing more cases than anyone else, which means more people are noticing you, and uh... we don’t want that. We don’t want more. We want less. You get me?”

Quality Assurance want to award me employee of the month, every month.

At this rate, I’ll be rookie of the year as well.

My guardian angels – or partners in crime if you prefer – have done their best to keep me off everyone’s radar. But, with my work ethic, and the distribution of duties between Meganie theory-ing all the prep, and my practical-ing cases, everything has become too efficient, so we’re coming under scrutiny.

“When you saved that Space Kraken, that was basically a Crisis level event, right? And, would have been, had the other heroes killed the child and, uhmm... ‘provoked’ the parent into attacking the planet...” tension, somehow, for the first time ever, enters Chris’ voice, “...we passed it off as you needing more field work to be promoted to the Team. You’d maybe just passed probation, too? Can’t have a newbie jump straight to the top, y'know? Hence, the small promotion from Lost Property to Animal Control.”

I get where this is going.

When you do something on a mission that crosses over into a different Department’s remit, there has to be a discussion between all the Heads over whether you should be transferred or not. Why your skills have not been identified or utilised more fittingly sooner.

 “This is about Jun, isn’t it?” they nod in unison in answer.

“Then, should I have left him there?” I was expecting a 'no'; however, they both do that weird head roll thing that’s not quite a nod or a shake. To the uninitiated it comes off as a 'maybe', but is actually a sort of professional way of saying 'yes' without admitting to it, “What’s the problem then?”

You could have filled that small office to the ceiling with the number of sighs uttered so far, but by the time they formulate an answer, they would have probably clogged the air conditioning vents as well.

“I mean, you did great with identifying an isekai victim that had gone under our radar. Like, the pair of you subdued him safely and completed all the right paperwork afterward. Which, y’know, well done hiding some rehabilitation in the confinement period. ‘Eczemagic’ isn’t real, but I’ve been double-checking your reports before they’re submitted, so, uhh… I tip-ex'd that out and replaced it with ‘Mana Sickness’. Hard to prove, hard to treat, completely non-debilitating, just needs time to work out of your system.” the Head of Human Resources fills me in on what I appear to have been missing.

“The Problem,” and the Head of Recruitment – as he places his head in the stocks of his beheading machine – delivers the denouement, “is that the Crisis Team have taken notice!”

Chris hands Janus a glass of water.

The unprompted gesture confuses the Roman God, causing his instincts to kick in so he does spill the drink on himself while lying down, which means he then has to stand back up. It all provides enough of a break from his worries to calm down.

It’s like dealing with a toddler, all he needs is a time-out, even with that heavy blade overhead.

“We’re going to have to promote you again, sorry, dude...” HR takes over from Recruitment again, “...you’d be in danger on the Crisis Team, and then if you avoid, fail, or die on mission, we get audited...” the age-old issue raising its fearsome head again “...but we have one last option to exhaust first, OK?.”

I nod and Chris hits the button on his intercom, “Uh, hi. Merlin? You can come in now.”

Merlin? THE Merlin?

Visions of an old grey man, heavy robes and tall pointed hat – staff, owl, dusty tomes, and sage council – are conjured up.

I get legitimately excited being formally introduced to a big brand name hero.

The door clicks shut, and a shadow looms over me. I tilt my head back to see the brim of a wide hat obscuring the florescent tubes on Chris’ ceiling – guessed the grey right – but then bump into something warm, soft, and comforting.

Forsooth, what pillowy heaven is this~

“I will be looking after you, my young man…” instant shivers. Her intoxicating scent a perfumed musk, deeper than Kia and Nya’lah's combined, make me dazed, “…Christopher wants you kept out of danger.”

Who’s Christopher? Does she mean Chris? Wait... she?!.

Her voice, thick as velvet, drenched in venom.

I struggle up the courage to look further back, am met with exactly what I’d hoped for, but now rightly fear.

The voluptuous bust of an indeterminably older woman had been pressed against me briefly. She could be anywhere between 20 and 200, a magical visage of both youth and maturity, and although she may be trying to cover herself up in what pass for robes... my eyes wander.

Slits in all the right places for mobility, they just accentuate everything instead of covering it all: falling off her shoulders, billowing about her bosom, and cut just shy of the very peak of her thigh... grey on white like mist laying on snowy fields, her once gold hair turned silver.

Merlin presses my shoulders to indicate I should stand, and stop gawping, as she takes me from the desk.

“Even heroes need help, sometimes,” don’t I know it lady, “but we can’t save everyone, can we?” not with that attitude we can’t, “And, you’ve been having problems of your own, haven’t you?”

“Have I?” well that is why we were in a meeting... again, “With QA and the Crisis Team? Yeah... sorry to be a burden.”

The grand mage swoops us into what I thought was a closet, but turns out to be a mirror of Human Resources. A little more refined, though, with wood panelling and brass fixtures.

We sit in the leather wingbacks facing each other, a third sits absent on the owner’s side of a broad oak writing desk, “You’re having woman troubles, I can tell...” This feels like an intervention. They’ve gotten some motherly figure in to tell me off and-

She explains that they were looking at promoting Meganie as well, but because of the current blood feud with Nya’lah, she’s been placed back in Lost Property for a bit to keep us all separated.

Sorry girls.

For now, the plan is to get me entrenched in Missing Persons, so things don’t look too suspicious. Merlin will take me under her wing, keep me out of danger, and try to help me navigate what are obviously – to her – my first awkward foal like fumblings in the world of women.

Didn’t have to call me out like that.

After a while, to let my blushing subside, Janus enters what transpires to be his office. He summons a large, rather blank, square doorway, and ushers us straight through.

The Head of Recruitment is silent, but for a single parting comment, “Merlin will take care of you.”

I’m sure she will.