Chapter 22

When the anger faded, I felt ashamed. Did I really want those things? Thinking about it filled me with rage, but it also felt satisfying to fantasize about revenge. I even told Anna to take revenge as the reason for her to keep living. At the time, I simply didn't want her to give up, and she shouldn't have had to even make that choice. All my life, I had heard how revenge was wrong and empty. But, the more I thought about it, the more sure I was that it was something I needed to do. That it was the right thing to do. Maybe I was a lot more messed up than I thought. Maybe I was even before coming to this world.

The village was a lot smaller than I expected. It only had 4 buildings that weren't houses or barns, and they were a church, a general supplies store, a mill, and a bakery. There were wooden fortifications around the village, but they were haphazardly put together and had large gaps for carts to move through in places where not even roads were, so they seemed useless to me. Maybe they helped people feel safe just having them, though. Dugel and Sonia had told me I could stay with them for the night. I wanted to refuse, but I honestly had no other options, and it was late, so I accepted.

They had a small home, but I certainly wasn't going to complain. If anything, it was nice and homely with every inch put to use for either storage, convenience, or decorations. Drying racks held food from the roof, furniture and walls were covered in pelts and blankets for both convenience and decoration, tools and firewood sat near the door with another stack of wood near a large fireplace that came out of the wall in a semicircle at shin height and extended partly into the kitchen. The living room and kitchen were one open space, separated by a table. The moment we walked in, Sonia began cooking in a large pot over the fireplace. We chatted a bit more over a thick stew at the table. Dugel told me about his farm, the animals they had, and how he was trying to do more work so that Calvin had more time to practice his magic. He also told me that if the soldiers were still on schedule, they would arrive in this village tomorrow afternoon and stay the night. I tried to hide how nervous I was about that, and they seemed not to notice. Realistically, they probably hadn't even heard I had escaped this far away yet, but still, it made me nervous.

After dinner, Sonia wished us goodnight and took Calvin to bed. Dugel brought me to my own room and told me that in the morning I could take whatever I wanted from the supplies we had brought, then went to bed himself. Judging by the doll on the dresser, I assumed it was probably their daughter's bedroom in the past. I felt bad for them. They were such nice people; they didn't deserve to lose a kid. I thought I would say a prayer to the monarch of the afterlife, but I didn't have that same feeling of a presence this time.

...

Light streaming in from the window onto my face and woke me up. I hadn't had any nightmares for the first night in weeks, and I felt amazing. The smell of meat filled the air, and I left my room to see Sonia cooking while Calvin sat at the table drawing magic circles.

"Breakfast will be ready soon. Sausages, eggs, and milk. Dugel is just getting the eggs for us right now, but have a seat."

They had already done so much for me, but they just kept doing more. I started to feel like I was taking advantage of their hospitality. No. I definitely was.

"Thanks. I'll be gone soon, but I really appreciate everything you've all done for me." I said as I sat down.

I couldn't make eye contact with her because I felt ashamed at how much I was hiding from them while they gave me so much. Now that I thought about it, I was even putting them in danger just by being near me.

"Nonsense! You're welcome here any time." Sonia said in a stern motherly tone.

Dugel came through the door holding a basket of eggs and brought them to the kitchen.

"She's right. Come back whenever you want, William. Our family is your family, and we always have room for you." Dugel said, as he handed the eggs over to Sonia, as if it were no big deal.

My heart suddenly felt heavy. I stood up and excused myself to use the bathroom outside. I was able to keep my breathing and voice under control, but the moment I was out the door, the tears started. That wasn't something I was ready to hear. Is that how parents were supposed to be? How could they be so kind to me when I was such a useless, wretched, scumbag? How could they be so kind when they had lost something so precious to them? How could they think I was worth caring about? I absolutely had to leave now. How had I not even realized I was tricking these people and taking advantage of them? I'm a piece of crap.

I took a walk around the farm until I calmed down. When I returned, I had decided to only take what I needed from them and nothing more. Breakfast was made, and a plate was set for me, so I would eat that and not let it go to waste. It tasted amazing. I savored every bite, but when Sonia noticed how much I was enjoying it, I felt that pang of guilt again. It was more like a hammer. I shouldn't even be allowed to enjoy something this nice. Maybe I had promised to be more selfish, but I didn't want it to be at the expense of others. How much longer would it take for them to realize I was worthless? Surely the time was getting near.

I think she noticed my expression change because she looked at me with her own confused expression. There was no way she could understand anyway. She didn't even know I was putting them in danger just by being here.

Once we had all finished eating, I turned to Dugel and put on my best grateful expression, while trying to sound melancholy. "Well, thank you all for everything you've done for me, but I really need to get going."

They seemed sad, but I knew it was best for them. This was also my selfishness, as I didn't want them to know the real me.

Dugel stood up. "Alright. Let's go get you some supplies."

I followed him to the barn where the cart had been unloaded. There was a wide selection of farming tools, sacks of grain, seeds, and food. I picked up the axe I had killed the mawhogs with, as there were already 2 axes around the barn. I also took some potatoes and a canteen. I had a long way to go and didn't have a way to carry too much.

Or so I thought. Sonia came out and handed me a backpack made of leather. It had a large pouch at the top, a smaller one in the front, and each one could be closed with a strap. The sides even had loops to hold tools. Even if I didn't have a firm grasp on the concept of money yet, I knew this was expensive.

I started to refuse, but she interrupted. "Please take it as something to remember us by so that you don't forget you're always welcome back here. It's well-made and should last you a long time. We haven't used it since we got the cart."

I didn't know what to say to that. Dugel and Sonia started packing things into it for me. When they were done, Dugel held it up for me to take, which I did. It wasn't heavy, but the guilt weighed on my shoulders where the straps were. We said our goodbyes, and I started to leave. They watched me as I walked away. I didn't know how long they watched me for, because I never turned around. My heart hurt terribly, and I didn't trust myself not to cry if I saw them again. So I marched on.

Once I was a good distance down the road, I thought about throwing the backpack away. It would get rid of this feeling of disgust I felt for myself to have something too good for me. Obviously, that was a stupid thought. It wouldn't do anyone any good, and they had said it was something to remember them by, which I wanted to do. The only way to get over these feelings was to ignore them and think about something else.