Chapter 19 Part 1: A Choice, A Stupid Idea

Jun plopped on the cot, avoiding squishing his right arm. A tapping noise prevented him from drifting off. He scowled as his voice barely carried. “Enter.”

Arvad’s head was stooped as he poked in. Their eyes met and Jun cast his gaze to the entry. Where was Mei? He looked to Arvad who shrugged.

“Why are you here?” Jun leaned back, finding a tent pole to steady himself against. Arvad looked around and Jun motioned to an empty cot. As Arvad sat, Grandpa Frosty appeared.

It was rare for the man to seek him out, without Mei in tow, and so despite the soreness, and stiffness and the desire for a nap, Jun found himself entertaining another guest.

“Mei isn’t…” Jun shook his head at Arvad’s question. “I thought you would be busy with the Kasai, or Vera Stone device.”

“I was busy, until a minute ago,” Jun sighed. “Really, it’s nothing but talk.”

“And that is a problem because… why?” Arvad’s eyes darted, brow furrowed.

“It’s nothing.” Jun grunted as he leaned more heavily on the pole. His heart was heavy. The last conversation with Christopher had proved more insightful. Elain was lonely, which made his heart hurt and soar. She missed him. However her loneliness made the other key detail all the more troublesome. She really believed Jasper was killed, his past self was killed and inside of Jun’s ring, like Grandpa Frosty or Arnold. It wasn’t like he could tell her that this wasn’t the case. She could accuse him of forcing Jasper to stay hidden or some other motive. Telling her about their past life only fed the belief that he had stolen the memories as well to get close to her. Jun groaned at the prospects. How could he still show her that he cared, and wanted to help her? Everything he could imagine would be performative. It not like he could give her what she wanted. Right?

Arvad waved his hand in front of Jun and he shifted.

“Sorry.” Jun looked at Arvad as a thought began to form. Arvad was alive and well, artifact-less. Could he?

“Arvad?”

“Hmm?” Arvad sat upright at the call of his name.

“You don’t have your artifact on you. Tell me. What is that like? What were you like before loosing it and how different is it?” Jun’s hastily crafted thought began to take root. His mouth worked overtime as he spoke.

“Oh ho, he was a bit different. He regressed in maturity.” Grandpa Frosty put a hand to his chin, smirking.

“I did not!” Arvad faced the apparition, his neck taut.

“You would never of had this outburst if you still retained your past.”

Arvad opened his jaw to say some things, then closed it, folding his arms as he leaned back, eyes downcast. Grandpa Frosty huffed before turning to Jun.

“How unlike you, Jun. Are you asking because you want to give up your past? Is it perhaps Mei?”

“Not exactly,” Jun shifted back, biting his lip. “It was just a thought.” Grandpa Frosty smirked and Jun’s brows fell. “Fine. I was curious, though I’m doubting it would even help.”

“What are you running from?” Grandpa Frosty chuckled. Jun raised a single brow.

“I’m not running. Just… figuring.” He let out a gusty sigh and Arvad sat up, eyes attentive, hands lowered. “My wife thinks I killed, well, my past self. And all because I was born into the wrong family. I don’t have a way to changer her mind. Call it stupid, but I thought...” He ran his fingers through his hair shaking his head. “What if I gave her my artifact.”

“Why would you do that?” Arvad’s voice was calm, rational. Jun took a deep breath. Before holding up his hand, brandishing his ring.

“This ring… was my wedding ring—before it was inscribed with runes and my memories.” He chuckled at the idea. “It houses all that is our past.” He let his hand fall to his lap, averting his eyes. “I made a promise to always be there for her, support her, protect her and our family.” His hand clenched as he shook his head. “If everything Christopher told me is true… She still wants that. But she believes Jasper is dead. That he’s just like any other artifact out there.” His eyes met with Frosty who nodded—a very logical conclusion. Jun leaned back. “It’s a stupid idea, but I thought she should have it, since I promised my life to her.”

“Honestly, it sounds confusing.” Arvad shrugged, his words soft.

Jun scoffed a laugh.

“I know. In short, my past is married to her. It belongs to her. But my present is tied to this. If I gave my artifact and memories to her… I… I don’t want to become some different to Mei or anyone else. But it seems that isn’t possible.”

“Why are you scared of changing?” Arvad spoke up again. Jun stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

“You like Mei. She is my daughter. But she is betrothed to me.” He spat out the situation “If I forgot my past, would I fall for her?” His throat seized but he continued. “Would I do the unthinkable? Would I still be faithful to my wife? Would I even be able to do what I need to do in this world? Would I… be able to heal anymore?”

“And that is also tied to your past?” Grandpa Frosty picked on the last words. Jun nodded. That was the easier one to address.

“In truth, I’ve been teaching healing to Solara. Not the other way around. In my past, I was called a biologist. I studied the human body and understood it. This understanding is what has made healing feasible. I can heal what couldn’t be healed before. But it’s also made it so I can’t see healing as a miracle. And that is what Solara has been trying to teach me. So, in some ways, we have learned from one another, but that… would I loose my abilities?”

Arvad and Frosty remained silent. Jun heard the rustling as Arvad sat back, the hum as he pondered on something, and so, Jun waited.

“Well. I can answer some of that. Your emotions change, but not drastically. The decisions you made here in this life, still leave an imprint. I doubt you would fall for Mei. As for your abilities, you do keep them but you do loose control.” Jun stiffened at those words. “Without the past to guide them, you could end up like me.” Arvad raised his foot, setting it back down as he motioned to Frosty.

“I was fortunate to have an artifact who could take on a portion of that control, but you… I don’t know what loosing control would look like. A healer is different from a burner.”

Jun shook his head, his stomach already knotted.

“Not exactly. I burn off ailments, decay. I keep the living healthy and protect it so it grows.”

The silence formed before breaking with Frosty’s voice. “Then it’s possible you would harm those you touch instead.”

Jun licked his lips. He hadn’t considered that. Without hostile Jinshari and Kasai on the island, he shouldn’t be in harms way, and neither should Mei. But there were other dangers they could face. He already had one useless arm. This would be akin to cutting off the other.

Frosty coughed. “As for your emotions and retaining yourself, I would recommend what Arnold told us. Record instructions for yourself. A diary if you would. It won’t help you retain everything, but it will help you remember what you need to do and who you are, if not why you do what you do.”

“I see. Thanks.” Jun rose then excused himself. He didn’t want the conversation to continue. If anything, he had a lot to think about. As he searched for a quiet place in the camp, he walked aimlessly, allowing his thoughts to continue.

However, they were cut short as he felt someone’s eyes on him. This only grew as he heard a twig snap. He had passed most people a while back. Was someone following? Who would do that? A knot formed in his tumultuous stomach. Had one of the Kasai they had freed really been loyal to the Matriarch after all? He continued his pace for a bit before jumping to the side. Footsteps resounded and he caught the location. As he hurled a stone in the direction, his eyes flew wide. Thankfully, Mei caught the stone. Jun stepped forward but paused as he saw the glistening tears in her eyes. His mouth dropped a bit, but before he could speak, she turned and ran.