Kazuya Yukimura − Life, Love, (Letting Go,) & Loss

Kazuya's arms felt like they were on fire. The pain shooting across his muscles as he continued to swing felt like they wouldn't stop until he gave in and dropped the bat. But he couldn't drop it. Not only did he still have a whole set of swinging drills left, his progress had slowed down recently. He needed to push himself harder to get better now. 

As Kazuya continued to swing and his form get worse and worse he felt a sudden stop as his bat stopped in place behind him. He turned to see the looming figure of his senior, Hiro Newman, an international student who had lived in the American countryside before moving to Tokyo to go to Shin Shiten. As Kazuya turned to face him, he felt the pain in his arms as they shot up. He could no longer distract himself with finishing his drill.
"What are you doing Hiro?" he asked his senior, "I was almost done."
"Pfft," laughed Hiro as he pulled the bat away, "You were done 10 minutes ago. And you were clearly in pain with how much sweat you were in."
Kazuya quickly tried wiping away his sweat from his arm, immediately feeling a small pain as he raised his arm up to his forehead.
Hiro handed Kazuya's bat back to him with a soft smile, "Are you okay? You seem to be pushing yourself a lot for a game day. That's not like you. You're usually smarter than this." Kazuya took back the bat from his senior.
"I'm fine. Just a bit nervous about how I'll perform at the game," he replied. It wasn't a lie, he was always nervous about his performance before a game. But he was much more rattled at the thought of having to see his father again and all the complex emotions he associated with him.
Hiro put his hand on Kazuya's shoulder to reassure him, "You'll be okay. You always perform for the team when they need you most. You'll be fine. Now go hit the showers before lunch time."

Kazuya nodded and started to head towards the boy's showers. Hiro was always so nice to him and everyone else. He was the textbook example of a gentle giant, probably the most athletic student in the school yet uninterested in actually playing or competing in anything. Apparently he was interested in activism and ways to help people on a larger scale, which somehow fit him more than any sport or competition could have. But he always offered his time to help people, not just by acting as a substitute assistant for a sprot's team when someone called in sick. It was a bit strange at first to see someone so willing to help others, but eventually the student body had become accustomed to an even reliant on Hiro. He would help so many different teams or clubs everyday yet still find the time to help a teacher look for a dropped contact or offer guidance for homework to a fellow student. 
Kazuya didn't feel like he was very similar to him, but he was always inspired to be a better player for the baseball team. After all, that was the best way he could help others. Doing his best with the team to do their best.

As he walked into the shower room he took off his sweaty clothes and saw that his arms had gotten a bit red. Hiro was right of course, he usually was. Kazuya stepped into the stower and turned on the water. Hopefully, it wouldn't negatively affect his performance for the game later that day. Who knows how the team or his family would react to see him play poorly. He quickly pushed the thought from his head right before he finished up showering, it was never good to hold onto doubts like that. He also hated to think about his father or the divorce or anything related to that part of his life. He just had to focus on baseball, just baseball and being the best at it.

As he stepped out and went to the locker rooms to grab clothing to change he saw some boys standing around and talking. As he walked up towards the lockers they noticed him approaching.
"Hey man, you okay," asked a tall blond student, "You were spending a long time practicing. Your arms gonna be okay for the game today?"
"I'll be fine, Johnny," replied Kazuya, "You can trust me. I'll do my job."
Johnny smiled before putting his hand up. Kazuya high-fived him and forced a smile.
"Let's get another one, bro." Johnny added as he finished getting dressed, "I gotta head to class now, but I'll see you for lunch, kay."
Kazuya nodded as Johnny walked out. He started to put his school uniform on as people walked in and out of the locker rooms. Some of the students even came up to him, either to pat him on his back and give him encouragement for the game or walked by him to hype him up. This behavior had started a couple years ago, ever since his first couple of games where he had played really well. He had enjoyed the positive attention and encouragement from his peers at first, but they slowly became more pressuring than encouraging. All these people looked to him to represent their school and perform not only to their standards, but his own performances from his past games. He had never felt so alone while being surrounded by so many people. Maybe that's why he got along so well with Johnny. Johnny, like Kazuya, was considered as a sort-of prodigy in the sport. He had devoted his life to the sport since even younger than Kazuya. He had known the pressure of the audiences and peers for longer than Kazuya, so he knew how to help Kazuya learn to deal with the pressure and still perform at his best. They bonded over that shared responsibility, to be excellent not just for their own sakes, but for everyone around them. Kazuya was still a bit surprised every time he talked with Johnny and how he still managed to push himself because he loved the sport. Kazuya didn't hate the sport, no, but he found it hard to feel that same child-like love he had for the sport all those years before. 
Now, he had to give everything for the game. That was what his father had drilled into him. Even though his father wasn't as present in his life anymore, he couldn't shake that feeling. The overarching fear of complacency or incompetency that his father had imparted. A cruel parting gift before he had left their home. Even now when he was "free" of him, he couldn't allow himself to slow down. He couldn't spend more than a day a week to go on a date or help his mom with the house or even hang out with his friends, although most of the friends he wanted to talk with were already part of the baseball team anyway. He couldn't even slow down to take a time and talk to Shirou. Ever since the day he agreed to follow everything his father said, he had so many things he wanted to say to Shirou. He was to scared to say them then and he was more scared to say them now. And as he didn't say anything for longer and longer, there were more and more things he wanted to say, and every new thing he wanted to say made it even harder and harder and eventually... He had basically stopped talking to his brother. Sure, he would wake him up when he overslept or have the odd conversation at the dinner table but they basically never talked again. Everyday that passed by made it feel harder to express his feelings to him: how hard it's been to ignore him, how much he hated how little his brother seemed to care about their mother, how sorry he was for what happened on that day. 

He couldn't think about it longer. It was too hard for him. He finished changing and walked out of the locker room and towards his class. Entering the room, most people said hi or offered support, but it meant so little. They didn't know him. They just liked the fact that he was good at baseball for them. He sat down at his chair and waited for his teacher to come in. He didn't even notice how he had started to slouch a bit in his chair and his expression slowly become more dour.
"Don't do that to your face. It'll stay that way if you keep doing it," he heard as he felt a hand lift up his chin. Kazuya turned to face the familiar voice, locking eyes with a beautiful girl with twin tails. She gave a smirk as Kazuya looked at her before she gave his cheek a squeeze.
"What, you don't have anything to say to me?" asked the girl as she continued to squeeze Kazuya's chin.
Kazuya smiled as he grabbed hold of her hand and pulled it from pinching his face. He gently held it up before bringing it back to his face. He put his cheek against her palm as he asked, "Hey Naoko, how has your day been?"
Yumi looked stunned for a second before pulling her hand back, turning away slightly as a slight blush ran over her face, "You could have done something cooler, ya know?"
Kazuya gave a little smile as he leaned toward Naoko, "like what?"
Yumi turned back to Kazuya, her blush having spread across more of her face.
"I don't know. Like.. maybe kissing my hand like a gentlemen. It would certainly be worth it to make up for ignoring my texts last night," she responded, now seeming a little sad.
Kazuya leaned away as his heart sank. He had been so tired last night from the practice game that he had knocked out the second he fell onto his bed. He quickly pulled out his phone, only to find a couple missed messages from her.
"I'm so sorry, Naoko," he said, "I was so tired last night that I fell asleep immediately without checking my phone. If I knew that you had texted me then I would have..."
"It's okay", Naoko said, interrupting him as she put a finger to his lips, "I know you've been working hard for the game today. You don't have to explain it to me. I was just... sad I couldn't talk to you last night." 
Kazuya smiled as she pulled her hand away. As this happened, their next teacher came into the classroom. Both of them turned away to face the front of the class as it started, but they each occasionally turned their attention to each other. Kazuya had met Naoko during his freshmen year at Shin Shiten. Back then, he was the starry-eyed rookie player and she was the abrasive new girl. They met by chance when Kazuya had naively put a confession letter in the shoe locker of one of her friends, leading Naoko to find it first and confront him. She was originally much meaner and more abrasive to him, claiming that she didn't think he was right for her friend. Eventually, the two came to "an agreement" wherein Naoko would hang out with Kazuya and see if he was worthy enough to be her friend's boyfriend. As Kazuya and Naoko hung out more, he slowly broke through her harsh shell. He learned that she had previously been in a relationship and been treated horribly and didn't want anything remotely similar to happen to her friend. In turn, Kazuya opened up to Naoko, showing how he was determined to do his best, whether that be his commitment to baseball or his commitment to being a good boyfriend. Somehow, throughout the process, they slowly began to fall for each other. This culminated to when Naoko returned Kazuya's old confession letter and gave him her permission to put it in her friend's shoe locker again.
To her surprise, she found a completely new letter in her shoe locker. When confronting him about it, Kazuya told her that being with her made him realize that his confession to her friend wasn't love. He couldn't love her friend, because he didn't know who she really was, only how she presented herself to him and other strangers. But throughout his time spent with Naoko, he had learned who she really was behind the tough shell she put up to protect herself and her friends. He saw first hand how much love she had in her heart for her friends, despite having a hard time showing it. He hadn't just gotten to know who Naoko really was behind the front she put up, but had fallen in love with all of her, including the rougher parts of her she hated because she thought they would push people away. Needless to say, Kazuya's second confession was much more successful than his first attempt. They started dating halfway through their freshman year and had continued dating for over a year now. Since then, they had continued to work together to become better and overcome their struggles. Kazuya found himself more focused and determined with Naoko supporting him, but also found comfort in being with her, knowing that she accepted him and all his faults just like he did for her. Likewise, being with Kazuya allowed Naoko to open herself to expressing affection more, not just to Kazuya but to all her friends. Sure she could still be a bit abrasive, but it was less a shield she put up to protect herself and more a reflex whenever emotions ran a bit high. It allowed her to become closer to her friends and even make some more. 
They had found growth, and even comfort in their lives through each other, and even though they weren't perfect, Kazuya took comfort in his love with Naoko and how unlike so many parts of his life and relationships with others, he didn't have to put up any walls or be afraid with her.

After their class ended, Kazuya and Naoko walked outside to eat lunch with their friends. They found a nice table to sit at and opened up their lunchboxes. Shortly after they started eating their lunch, Johnny sat down next to them. It had taken a while for Naoko to get used to Johnny's more energetic and positive personality, but eventually, she was able to open up to him and they also became good friends, even though some of her more abrasive qualities could still come up when his energy was a bit too high. 
While talking with Naoko and Johnny, Kazuya saw a familiar face walking across the field. He looked up to see Shirou walking alongside a student he didn't recognize. Shirou looked like he was enjoying himself talking to his friend as they walked together, it was a face he barely recognized and almost never saw while they were home together. As he tracked Shirou he lifted himself off the bench as if to stand up and go after him, but remained stationary, only just above where he was originally sat down. Shirou didn't even seem to notice Kazuya intentions to talk to him, and continued walking until he was out of his line of sight. 
After staring at Shirou, Kazuya sat back down and looked down at the table in front of him. Naoko, having noticed Kazuya staring at his brother before he got up, moved closer to him and held his hand with both of hers,
"You can do it. He's your brother. I'm sure he'll understand." Kazuya turned to face Naoko as his eyes started to tear up a bit,
"How could he understand anything I say when I have so much to tell him. How do I tell him that I knew about what he was going through on that day. That I saw him running out of the house and followed him to the park. How do I tell him that I wanted so badly to go up to him while he was talking to Mayumi but was too much of a coward to, even when she almost convinced him to run away. I didn't even say anything to him when he came back. How could I tell him that and have him think I'm anything but a pathetic coward?"
Yumi put her arms around Kazuya and squeezed tight before looking him straight in the eyes, 
"Because he's your brother, stupid. If there's anyone who wouldn't judge you and try to understand what you've gone through because they care about you, it's your family. The people who will love you no matter what."
Kazuya rubbed his misty eyes before putting his arm around Naoko. He looked at her for a second before giving an answer,

"I can't Naoko. Not today. Maybe tomorrow or the day after, but, not today."
Yumi gave a sigh before she squeezed Kazuya again. 
"Okay. I won't push you if you're not ready. Just remember, you're brothers and you always will be," she said as she pulled away from Kazuya.
"She's right," added Johnny, "give it time and when you're ready to talk to him, I'm sure everything will be fine." Kazuya smiled as he thanked his friends. He was happy to have them with him while he tried to explore these complex emotions that, for so long, had been buried deep under his father's strictness and abuse. But it helped that his friends would not only give him support, but help him ease up after such thoughts.

As the three friends conversed while eating lunch together, two other students, a thinner boy with straight hair and glasses and a girl with dyed curly hair, pastel-colored accessories, and an oversized sweater over her uniform. As they came to sit down, Johnny and Naoko moved on the benches to make room for the boy with glasses and girl with dyed hair respectively.
"Hey Takumi, how's classes been for you recently?" Johnny asked to the boy with glasses.
"Quite well, as usual," replied Takumi as he pushed his glasses up, "Fortunately, I've been able to balance my time at the painting club with the hours I've set aside for maintaining my grades."
Johnny laughed, "Yeah, yeah. Shame you didn't submit any paintings, though. They looked really good."
"Perhaps I will once I've entered a university of my choosing. After all, it's much less reliable for me to focus on art instead of grades when the entrance exams are so soon," Takumi replied.
"I guess," said Johnny, "I get not wanting to rely on a scholarship. It can be stressful putting the success of your college entrance on an extracurricular instead of grades."
"Says you," interjected the girl with dyed hair, "No one at the school thought you'd have a hard time getting a scholarship with how good you've been for the school's baseball team."
Johnny chuckled, "Well that's really flattering, Emi, but I can't expect everyone to commit to something like that as much as me. It's just not fair to other people, you know?"
Kazuya sighed, "Boy do I." The others laughed a bit as his joke. He meant it as a joke, but he was also being a little honest. It seemed that the only ones who picked up on the honesty was Naoko and Johnny. Johnny put his hand over Kazuya's shoulder and gave him an empathetic smile while Naoko gave him a kiss on the cheek, "I'll be right here with you, Kazuya. I know you can do this."
"Would you please refrain from such public displays of affection, at least not while we're here," asked Takumi. Before Kazuya could say anything, Naoko turned to face Takumi, her face slightly pink.
"What are you, staring at moron? It was just a kiss, it's not like it was anything inappropriate," Naoko replied, getting a bit quieter as she ended her sentence.
"Ahhhhh, I'm so jealous," added Emi as she leaned backwards on her seat, "I wish I had a handsome boyfriend I could be lovey-dovey with." Immediately upon finishing her thought, she turned to Takumi and grabbed his arm,
"Hey! How about we start dating, Takumi? That way you could help me with my grades and I could help you, you know... not be a virgin anymore," she said as she leaned closer to Takumi.
"Wha... What are you doing?" he asked as he pushed Emi away, "You just want me to do your homework for you. And who are you calling a virgin anyway, virgin?"
Emi laughed as she let go of Takumi, "Why not? We can both help each other out with that and I would just get the bonus of a really smart boyfriend to help me with work."
Takumi sighed as the others started laughing. Kazuya smiled as he watched Takumi argue with Emi while Naoko held in a laugh and Johnny started hiccupping from laughing too hard.

As the laughter died down, two male students walked up to the table. One was quite athletic, almost as strong-looking as Johnny. The other was not athletic but had quite the stern expression and sharp, mean-looking eyes. As the athletic one approached the table, Johnny got up to greet him. Kazuya knew of the student, Masaru, one of the best junior basketball players. The other was named Noboru who, in plain terms, was Masaru's lackey. Kazuya had never held a long conversation with either of them, especially since both he and Naoko always felt like there was something off about how they carried themselves. But, since they tended to gravitate around Johnny, as they were both some of the best athletes in the whole school, neither of them said much whenever the two came over to hang out with their group. 
As Masaru sat down next to Johnny, Takumi noticed something on the back of his uniform.
"Did you fall down, Masaru? There appears to be dirt on your back" he asked as he leaned his head forward to observe Masaru's back closer. As soon as he brought it up, Masaru's posture stiffened and his face grew slightly red.
"Maybe I did. Why? You got something to say about it nerd?" he replied in an aggressive tone. Takumi pulled back as a scowl appeared on his face. 
"Now, now. Let's not get like, angry over this", Emi interjected, interrupting Takumi before he could respond.
"It's just some dirt. I'm sure it was nothing, right Masaru?" asked Emi, now sitting in a much more controlled posture. She had almost instantly transformed from a more laid-back girl to someone who understood that it was easier try and calm down a brewing conflict versus trying to stop one already happening.

Masaru backed off after a second and turned to Noboru. Noboru turned to look at him then back to the group and added, "Yeah, he just happen to... trip on the root of a tree. That's all."
Masaru turned away from Noboru as he pulled out his lunch. As the tension slowly dissipated, the group of friends started to talk and joke around again until the end of lunch period came. 

As they were finishing up their conversations, Kazuya saw Shirou and his friend walk back to the school building. For a second Kazuya watched Shirou before turning his head and seeing that Masaru also seemed to be watching Shirou. He though it was strange but then dismissed the thought from his head. As far as he knew, Shirou and Masaru had never once interacted, so he must have been imagining Masaru staring at Shirou. He got up from the table and split with the rest of the group, heading to return to class with Naoko. As they parted ways, Kazuya noticed that Masaru and Noboru went to follow Johnny. That's strange, Kazuya thought to himself, he didn't think Johnny and Masaru's classes were in the same direction. What's even stranger is that before he lost sight of them, their expression's seemed to imply that they were talking about something quite serious. The thought puzzled him for a second, but he quickly pushed it away as he walked back to class. He had way more pressing things to think about and it wouldn't do him any good to think about any concern that Masaru would bring to Johnny that was unrelated to him.