Chapter 4: Customer Service is Heck

Okay, so "customer service" with a Demon Lord is a little different from your average retail complaint. For one, the customer has horns, a legion of darkness (which is currently busy selling essential oils), and is probably tapping his giant, flaming claws impatiently on a throne made of skulls while waiting for my reply. Standard procedure for inter-world complaints was apparently to fill out Form 27B/6, file it in triplicate, and wait six to eight business eons for a response.

Yeah, no. I had a feeling Xylos wasn't the "wait six eons" type.

My fingers hovered over the celestial keyboard. What do you even say in this situation? "We are experiencing higher than normal call volumes?" "Have you tried turning your demonic army off and on again?"

I decided to go with a more corporate, yet vaguely reassuring tone.

"Dear Lord Xylos," I typed. "Thank you for your feedback. We here at the Department of Reincarnation value our… clients. We understand your concerns regarding the recent 'disruption' to your regional conflict economy. Please be assured that we are taking this matter very seriously."

I paused, chewing on my lip. What could I even offer him?

"While we cannot directly interfere with a reincarnated soul's free will," I continued, "we are looking into solutions. As a gesture of goodwill for this inconvenience, please accept a complimentary voucher for one (1) Level 50 Archdemon of your choice, redeemable on your next scheduled apocalypse. Some exclusions apply."

I hit send before I could second-guess myself. Offering a Demon Lord a coupon felt deeply, deeply wrong, but it was the best I could come up with. Hopefully, that would placate him for a bit while I figured out what to do about Ms. Magical Girl CEO.

I pulled up her file. Her name had been Tanaka Yui. A prodigy in the business world, famous for hostile takeovers and having an ice-cold heart. Her cause of death? Tripping over a puppy and fatally bonking her head. The universe has a weird sense of humor. Her request was to live a "cute, sparkly life filled with love and friendship." I guess her definition of "love and friendship" involved building a downline of demonic entities.

I opened a monitoring window to her world, Gehenna-Prime. It was worse than Xylos had described.

The capital city, which was usually a gothic masterpiece of jagged spires and rivers of magma, was decorated with bright pink banners that read, "Join Team Sparkle-Demon and Unlock YOUR True Earning Potential!" Tanaka - now going by the magical girl name "Yumi-Yum"—was standing on a balcony of the Demon Lord's castle, holding a massive rally. She was wearing a frilly pink dress and holding a sparkly heart-shaped wand, looking every bit the part she'd requested.

"…and that's why the 'Infernal Essence' product line is a ground-floor opportunity you can't afford to miss!" she chirped into a magically amplified microphone. "For just three easy payments of 999 soul coins, you can get our starter kit and begin your journey to financial freedom!"

The crowd of imps, goblins, and assorted monstrosities roared with approval. Her Four Demon Generals were standing behind her, wearing pink sashes over their terrifying armor, nodding along enthusiastically. The Blazing Knight was handing out free samples.

This was a nightmare. She hadn't just disrupted the "performative conflict," she had completely gentrified Hell.

I needed to do something. But what? As I'd told Xylos, I couldn't just recall her. Free will was a big, celestial no-no. But maybe… maybe I could introduce a counter-element. Fight fire with fire. Or, in this case, fight capitalism with… well, what's the opposite of capitalism?

My eyes scanned the "SOULS: PENDING" queue. I needed someone who could dismantle a corporate structure from the inside. Someone immune to charisma and sales pitches. Someone who could bring pure, unadulterated chaos to an already chaotic situation.

My gaze landed on a file. A small smile crept onto my face. It was risky. It was unorthodox. It was, according to my recent performance review, a "bold, outside-the-box strategy." It was perfect.

SOUL CANDIDATE #8,008,214 Name: Suzuki Kenji Age: 22 Cause of Death: Accidentally locked himself in an escape room. For a week. Reincarnation Request: To be a hero who solves problems with his wits, not with brute force. Specifically requests a "cool sidekick."

This was my guy.

I pulled up the skill list. I needed something subtle. Something that would throw a wrench in Yumi-Yum's perfectly structured business plan. I found it under the "Bureaucracy" subsection of all places.

SKILL: Divine Auditor (Unique) Grants the user an intuitive and complete understanding of all rules, regulations, loopholes, and paperwork within any system, organization, or kingdom. The user can instinctively generate the correct forms for any request and finds immense, personal satisfaction in enforcing obscure bylaws.

It was perfect. Yumi-Yum built a business empire; Suzuki Kenji would tear it down with red tape.

For his "cool sidekick," I decided to get creative. Instead of a person, I granted him a magical, sentient briefcase that could store an infinite number of documents and also brew a perfect cup of coffee. Every auditor needs a good briefcase.

I typed in the commands, double-checking for any potential coffee-related spills this time, and hit "REINCARNATE." A beam of light shot out, destined for Gehenna-Prime.

"Okay," I breathed, leaning back. "Phase one of Operation: Stop the Demonic Pyramid Scheme is a go."

Feeling like I had earned a break, I switched my main monitoring window back to Veridia, just to see how my Potato Messiah was doing. Things seemed… calm. Too calm.

Tatsuya was sitting on his potato throne, looking bored out of his skull. Princess Analise and High Priestess Elara were standing on either side of him, currently engaged in a silent but deadly glare-off. The "War of Loves" was in a cold war phase.

Suddenly, a messenger burst into the throne room, panting. "Your Potentate! Urgent news from the northern border!"

Tatsuya sat up, a flicker of interest in his eyes. Maybe this was it! A real adventure! "What is it? A dragon? An army of goblins?"

The messenger shook his head, looking terrified. "Worse, sire! It's… the Dragon of Gluten!"

My blood went cold. The Dragon of Gluten? I scrambled to pull up the Veridia world file. He wasn't in there. This was something new. A new threat.

Onscreen, Tatsuya looked confused. "The Dragon of… Gluten? What does that even mean?"

The messenger trembled. "It breathes pure, concentrated wheat flour, Your Potentate! It turns fertile earth into barren cracker dust! It's landed right on the border of the Whispering Wheatfields, and it's… it's baking the landscape!"

Everyone in the throne room gasped in horror. A dragon whose very presence was anathema to the starchy goodness of the potato. This was no random monster. This was a targeted attack.

Tatsuya stood up. For the first time since he arrived, the look on his face wasn't misery or confusion. It was determination. His kingdom, his people, his very source of power, was under attack.

"So," he said, his voice low and serious. "My enemy is… bread."

He clenched his fist, and a single, perfect potato materialized in his hand, glowing with a soft golden light.

"Let's go," The Grand High Potentate commanded. "It's time to mash the opposition."

I stared at the screen, a sense of awe mixing with my usual panic. A war against a dragon made of bread. A war of technologies between a magical girl CEO and a divine auditor. The situations I created were spiraling out of control in the most spectacular ways imaginable.

My terminal pinged. It was another D-Mail.

FROM: The Management SUBJECT: Excellent Initiative!

Akane,

We see you've sent a Divine Auditor to Gehenna-Prime. An elegant solution to the demonic tax evasion problem we've been having for centuries! And creating an "Antagonist Entity" in Veridia to stimulate the hero's growth? Inspired!

We're promoting you. You are now the Head of the new "Creative Problem Solving" division. Congratulations.

I blinked. I had a new division? I was the head?

I didn't solve problems. I created them. And apparently, up here, that's how you get promoted.