"Dreadnought"

I continue down the hallway...

I have made my decision, and that decision is to try and talk with Jennifer. Although, I am unprepared to help her, and I am overwhelmed with the prospect of dealing with another person's emotions. My conscious has told me otherwise. I cannot leave a friend like this--I want answers for this school--I cannot leave a friend like this.

'I can talk with Josef anytime,' I attempt to reassure myself.

I doubt Venustiano will try anything soon, it's been so long since the Franco incident. I can wait for information, the information is not going anywhere. Despite how much I strive to comfort myself, Franco's situation is still fresh on my mind. Knowing that at any time I could possibly end up just like that...it frightens me.

I am not usually the hero--as much as I always wanted to be--and I feel like I'm always a morally grey person in some aspects. However, I must decide to make an effort to help Jennifer. She has helped me countless time, I must return the favor.

This godforsaken hallway.

What if Jennifer doesn't want anyone to talk to? I think she might...I think at least. What if Jennifer isn't even upset? Then we'll have a friendly chat--at the expense of getting information from Josef. What do I even say if there is anything wrong? I can't answer that one, I can't begin to imagine the proper words to express toward whatever situation that could be explained to me in the upcoming minutes.

Someone out there could be spectating me as I blow my brains out through this long hallway. They will see my mindless banter as I prepare myself for the worst outcome that most likely won't even come.

I have to strategize my approach, though I don't have any time left. I slow down my pace to by myself a few seconds. Maybe if I pretend to be clueless she can give me more hints as to what I should say or do--or she could become absolutely frustrated and more upset. 

These kinds of situations seem to never fail to destroy a person.

I continue my approach, and I prep myself to being very cautious with how I might open up with Jennifer. I know that both her and Ashley can be quite fiercely defensive. I wonder why I befriend girls like this, that I do not know. Nevertheless, I am stalling right now in fear of confronting Jennifer. I don't really want to go through with this to be honest with you, but I can't turn back now. 

I honestly don't know what to do, or how to even sound like. I do not want to baby her nor do I want to diminish her. I want to just talk to her and see what's up and maybe try to help her out without pampering her feelings or trampling over them. I finally reach her, and now I know what I must do.

I lean forward with a half smile to seem as unhostile as I possibly can, I take an internal deep breath, "Hey there," I start, "is there any reason why you are here right now?" I attempt to act casual as I fear for my life.

Jennifer then bears her head up to me. By the look of her eyes I can infer that she has most definitely been crying. In hindsight my suspicious about something causing distress were completely accurate, but I had to balance those suspicions with other theories as to not act irrationally toward her.

She gives me an ingenuine mean expression, "Fuck off." She speaks softer and less energetic than typical. She never speaks with much energy, but this time it's noticeably worse.

I am now stumped, I don't know what to do. She has told me to fuck off, maybe I should take it literally. Still, what if she means the opposite? She seems stern and speaks with a convincing demeanor. I don't know how to interrupt this so I shall take it literally.

"Alright, I'm sorry, I'll leave you be." I conform to her demand. 

I have upset the beast it seems, there is no reason to fight, I must honorably retreated from the situation.

"What the fuck?" She says with disbelief under her breath, she then looks at me with a disappointed face, "Are you stupid?" She asks me with more ferocity. 

"What?" I ask in response as spikes run through all the skin on my body.

She sighs quite violently and almost chokes, "If I say fuck off, that means you--as a concerned friend--do not fuck off." She presents her reasoning slowly, as if I were an elementary schooler learning about sentence structure.

I feel perplexed, how was I supposed to know indirect communication? This is one of those things that scares me away from trying to connect with people. Jennifer is not the only person who likes to say things indirectly or mean the opposite, it's a trend among most individuals.

"Well," I state in defense, "isn't it more bothersome if I continued to pressure you into personal conversation after you have explicitly told me to 'fuck off.'" I present my case. I'm curious to try and understand why people might use indirect communication.

"Oh my god," she says with disbelief, "you are fucking brainless," she states aggressively, "so you're just going to leave me feeling this way? Some fucking friend you are!" She tells me rhetorically as she gains more passion with her speech.

"I'm sorry." I say to avoid her wrath. However, I know that saying sorry won't allow me to avoid her wrath.

"Fuck you Johnny," she is throwing a fit at me, "you are a little whiny bitch boy!" At this rate I believe she is only displacing her own pain onto me, or she is taking out her distress onto me as an example.

At any rate I'm being shelled to death.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I stand in defense, "If you are going to act this way, I should just leave you." I hand her an ultimatum.

I have to bring it out of me to tell her, I was being bombarded for no reason other than I didn't understand her direct statements. It's quite infuriating how dense she can be about this kind of situation, you cannot expect me to understand you if I don't know what the hell is happening.

I never expected to snap at her, however I cannot sit here and let her pummel me for being ignorant about a difficult situation to comprehend. I'm usually cool and collected when people become arrogant, but I can't stand this.

"It's people like you I can't stand!" Jennifer ignores my ultimatum and continues to displace her anger, "It's the cowards and idiots that ruin my life, cowards and idiots like you!" 

In most situations, I would be quite devastated or at least upset with what she is saying to me. However, I'm just offended that she is being so brutal when I chose to spend my time with her instead of walking up those steps to find Josef. She's probably going through something rough, but that is no excuse to be so vulgar toward someone who made an attempt to at least check on her.

"Fine." I say quietly as I begin to walk away.

Before I can complete my one-eighty degree turn to face the opposite direction, she grabs my left ankle. I then look back at her and see a sight I never want to see again. She starts to quietly bawl her eyes out and I nearly put on a horrified face as I don't know what to do.

"Please," she speaks softly but with clear emotion in her voice, "don't go." She tells me while she begins to squeeze air out of her mouth. The tears begin to fall onto the white-cold-tile flooring.

I am speechless, I am petrified, and above all I am confused. In this moment, I do not know how to begin to approach her feelings. We had a vile exchange and now my attitude toward her has changed. A second ago I was offended by her ungrateful displacement of distress onto me. Now I am worried about her. 

Jennifer what the fuck is wrong with you right now, I want to help you, I never wanted to help anyone this much before. Let me help you.

She releases my ankle and returns to her original post, I squat down as she does so, "Hey," I initiate, "what happened?" I ask calmly and with a voice as soft and soothing as I can execute.

I refuse to antagonize her internally going forward. I must understand the root of where she is coming from. Although I doubt I can help her, I know I am good at one thing: finding information.

She gains her composure again, she then lifts her head to greet mine, "What does it matter to you?" She asks me.

Once again, I am perplexed by why she would even ask that question, "You're my friend and I'm worried about you." I give my rushed answer.

She told me to fuck off, then she told me to be there for her, and now she is asking why I even care...I don't understand.

She seems to calm with my words--rather strange to me--and her body language tells me she is becoming more relaxed as the tears fade away into history.

"I'm sorry Johnny," she apologizes--she never apologizes, "ugh," she sighs to herself, "it's just that my dad is a fucking coward. He never stays, he never tries to work things out with my mother, and he just runs off whenever things get tough. He's scared of commitment and he's scared to raise his own kids." She explains to me.

Fatherly issues, I can see where she is coming from now. I understand her a little be more.

"I see why you feel so upset then." I confirm with her, "That man does sound cowardly and selfish. I don't understand how you could just leave everything behind without worrying." I console and agree with her.

I slowly take my seat beside her, she looks away from me and speaks as she stares across the hallway, "The worst part is; I sometimes think that me being born is what caused this kind of tension." Jennifer expresses a heavy thought.

The thought of being the problem in your own life. Many people imagine their family's lives as better if they were never born. Though, people are still born, and for the most part they are always born with some kind of reason. I cannot say the same for myself though...

I try to quell her negative self-reflection, "Don't blame yourself for such a thing. Your father is a coward, it's all on him anyway. Nobody asked to be here, and you didn't ask to be here either, it was your parents who decided to bring you here, it's them who should take all the responsibilities." I explain to her and at first she looks at me with disgust, soon, she considers my words.

I once believed my birth was pointless and that I shouldn't even exist. Sometimes the monotony of my everyday life brings me to the conclusion that I have no place in this world. It's not my fault that I am here, I cannot tarnish my mother's work for trying to keep me alive in this world. I cannot be the third child that she loses. 

Jennifer should not feel like she is at fault for her existence, existence is not our doing. We have no control of how we are born.

She solemnly bows her head, "I guess you're right," she says depressingly, "I can't help but feel this way." Her vocal volume decrescendos with every word.

I placed a spark of logic in her mind, which reminds me I cannot emotionally support her. I'm making an effort to help her, but as she says, she can't help but feel that way. There is little I can do meaningfully to solve her issue. 

I try to relate with her, "It's normal to feel that way," I hope to make her feel more comfortable about it, "as long as you try to grasp the facts, you'll feel better. Just remember; nothing about your birth is your fault, nothing that resulted from your birth is your fault, nothing about your parents are your fault." I paint the picture, "I know it's difficult to get into that mindset while being stressed and torn, however, I recommend you start telling yourself that it isn't your fault and you'll be okay."

She then cracks a slight smile as she looks at me. Her depressing look as slowly faded from her, however I know she is still in pain. 

"You know Johnny," she begins to speak more lightly, "you are one of the weirdest people I've met." She sounds more normal than before, "You are founded and philosophical, sometimes I think you're crazy." She states and let's out a gust of air to signify enjoyment, "I've learned though that everyone is the crazy one except for you." She concludes.

I feel strange about those words. What does she really mean? I am not sure. I can't decipher the deeper meaning behind those words, all I know is that she is seemingly feeling better. Maybe I did something right for once. That's a major change in my life, I never really have been in this situation before. It's about time I learn something new.

"I just see it as you can't always think with your heart," I respond, "I don't like to panic nor stress out, I learned that remaining calm and trying to comprehend your conflicts and scenarios are how you find solutions sooner." I am sort of correct with my explanation. I know how to solve issues for myself for the most part, however with other people it's a blind shot.

"I'll keep that in mind." Jennifer says with more energy than before, she seems actually glad that I've talked to her. It's weird seeing Jennifer light up, and even weirder for her to be so chill, "Anything new with you? Do you still avoid us for that one girl?" She refers to Luciana.

"I mean, I think that Luciana is a cool person. I'm sorry about leaving but I am still friends with you all." I consolidate my position.

"Fuck you Johnny," she states this playfully this time around, "the table isn't the same without you." Her sternness has made a complete recovery.

"I never really talked much with you guys, what difference does it make if I'm there or not?" I question her. It's true that I'm definitely the least talkative member of that table, maybe Jennifer takes second place.

"Because fuck you," she states without much reasoning, once again playful, "I don't care if you want to act all smart and philosophical. You're somebody that I care about," she then catches her words. I sit there with some shock, but she saves the conversation, "somebody we all care about." She saves.

That is interesting. She admitted to caring about me...as in her herself cares about me. I can't recall if anyone has ever explicitly stated they cared about me. 

Fuck, now I feel bad.

I stand up from my seat next to Jennifer. She then lifts her hand up to me and mandates that I help pick her up off of the floor. I oblige and we begin to walk toward our next classrooms together as we consciously know that nutrition is about to end. Our conversation about life just continues from there...

I forgot why this even happened.