Chapter 16: The Divine Tourist and the Goblin Problem

The temporal freeze lifted as quickly as it had begun. The tavern noise rushed back in—the music, the chatter, the clinking of mugs. To everyone else, it was as if nothing had happened. But at our table, the air was thick with tension. My friends were staring, wide-eyed and pale, at the impossibly handsome god who was now casually inspecting the contents of our stale bread bowl.

"Is this supposed to be food?" Isao asked, picking up a crust with two delicate fingers. "It has the texture of a fossilized sponge. Mortals are so resilient."

Rina was the first to recover, her hand slowly tightening around the handle of her mace. "Who the hell are you?" she growled, her voice low and dangerous.

Isao gave her a lazy, dismissive glance. "Just a friend of Aka-chan's," he said smoothly. "An old, old friend. Don't worry your pretty, violent little head about it."

He then proceeded to make himself at home. When we left the guild to take on a new quest—a simple goblin nest extermination, just to get away from him—he followed. He didn't offer to help. He simply strolled behind us, his scythe resting on his shoulder, humming a cheerful tune that sounded vaguely like a funeral dirge.

The goblin nest was in a dark, damp cave. As we crept inside, Isao conjured a comfortable-looking armchair out of shadows and sat down near the entrance.

"Do carry on," he said, waving a hand. "I'll just be here. Providing moral support. And judging you."

What followed was the most stressful, humiliating goblin fight of our lives. Every move we made was met with sarcastic commentary from the God of Death.

"Oh, a swing and a miss," he sighed as Rina's mace hit the cave wall. "You really need to work on your follow-through, dear."

When Kenta tried to use "Tame Snail" on a cave slug, Isao chuckled. "Ambitious. I like it. A truly terrifying display of… gastropodal diplomacy."

Luna cast a barrier spell to block a goblin's attack. "A competent shield," Isao noted. "But it lacks flair. A bit of dramatic flair is essential for effective spellcasting. Presentation is everything."

I, having no combat skills, was trying to stay out of the way, which was apparently also the wrong thing to do. "Aka-chan, your cowering technique is superb," he called out. "A perfect blend of panic and self-preservation. Ten out of ten."

We finally, messily, defeated the last goblin, panting and covered in green grime. Isao stood up and made the armchair dissolve back into shadow.

"Well," he said, clapping his hands together slowly. "That was… a performance. Technically a victory, in the same way that falling down a flight of stairs is technically a form of forward momentum." He smiled his infuriatingly charming smile. "Shall we go? I'm feeling a bit peckish. Perhaps we can find some food that isn't geologically ancient."

As we walked out of the cave, he fell into step beside me. "This is fun," he whispered, his voice for my ears only. "Watching you try to be a hero. It's adorable."

I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him. But he was the God of Death, and I was a Level 1 mortal with a maxed-out LUCK stat. All I could do was stomp ahead, my cheeks burning with rage, while the most powerful being in the dimension critiqued my party's goblin-slaying posture.