You’ve No Idea What It’s Like

Camellia flattened herself against the wall. This was not a time to casually stroll through and into her room. Surely the whole block could hear the racket. Was there any other way in?

I could try climbing up through a window? Or flying up there, I guess.

Though she easily could get inside through her window, something inside Camellia rooted her in place. She stayed against the wall next to the shop, hesitating. What is that all about? After a brief debate, curiosity won out over her desire to avoid conflict. She trained her ear to listen in.

“...after all that, you still floundered! What was the point of it, huh?” That deep voice was Damos’ father, furious, by the sound of it.

The tone of Damos’ voice, pleading and feeble, shocked Camellia. “Dad, I’m telling you, there’s still the team trials!” She hadn’t heard him so vulnerable and desperate before. “I can prove myself, I promise.”

“Dammy, sweetie, do you really want to place the burden of ensuring your success on your friends?” This time, it was his mother speaking.

“I won’t be a burden. I swear.”

Damos’ father jumped back in, his voice cold and curt. “We expected better of you, boy. Far better. As of right now, you’re just a disappointment.”

The words, though aimed at Damos, pierced through the stone brick wall and right through Camellia’s heart. She melted against the wall, sliding down it onto the ground. The noise of the argument faded from her ears, replaced by the heavy pumping of blood and breath.

For some reason, the shot Damos’ father fired brought up bad memories. An uneasy feeling swept over Camellia, causing her heart to thump with fear. What is this? Why am I feeling so afraid?

A disappointment. A failure. Her own parents had thought of her the same way, hadn’t they? The memory of the way she had had to run away from her family due to her own mistakes sent a pang through Camellia’s chest.

The street became quiet once more, the argument inside evidently over for now.

Camellia remained on the ground, lost in thought, the dim glow of godflame lamps flickering shadows all around her.

Mom and Dad were disappointed in me, too. But… they never yelled at me like that.

Damos hadn’t met his parents’ high expectations, and he was ripped apart for it. Camellia’s father never once used the tone that Damos’ just had.

She buried her face into her arms, brain working overtime to process it all. Her parents had been disappointed in her, right? That was the whole reason she ran away from home, after all. She wouldn’t have done that for nothing. They couldn’t bear the sight of me, right? That was why—

“Hey, Cammy. You, uh… You okay?”

Face buried in her arms, Camellia was so distracted, swimming in her memory, that she didn’t hear the shop door open nor the footsteps approach. She looked up. Damos, eyes red from crying, stared down at her with a look of concern.

“Oh, no, yeah, I’m okay,” she said, quickly shivering to reorient herself.

Damos’ voice was dull and glum, a far cry from his usual enthusiastic and energetic yapping. “What are you doing on the ground?”

“It’s nothing.” Camellia couldn’t very well just admit she had been eavesdropping, let alone that what she overheard caused her to reminisce on her painful, hidden past. “Just got lost in thought randomly. I was admiring the street.”

Camellia truly is a terrible liar.

Nodding, Damos sagely replied, “You do love looking at it from your window.” He rubbed his eyes. “I had a rough night. There’s a cool place nearby that helps me calm down. I was headed there now when I saw you curled up against the wall like that. Want to come?”

After considering the offer, Camellia pushed herself up off the ground. “I could use some calm right now.” Let’s move past all of that. New world, new me.

It was a short ways away. After a few minutes of skulking through the nighttime streets, they arrived at a small cave on the side of a jagged hill. Damos motioned for Camellia to follow, and they entered. To Camellia’s surprise, the cave led upwards, a tube of barnacled earth. She noticed small starfish and crustaceans on the walls and a sense of familiarity grounded her, easing her troubled mind ever so slightly. After some awkward climbing, the cave opened up.

The two found themselves on the top of the same hill, practically a spire protruding through the streets of the city. There was just enough room outside the cave at the top for a few people to sit. As Camellia and Damos each found a spot to rest, Camellia noticed just how great a view this place gave. All around them, dim magic flames danced on the corners of the streets. Hauntingly beautiful silhouettes of chaotic street infrastructure and disorganized buildings expanded out as far as the eye could see. In the black of the night, it was hard to see beyond the edge of the city, but the magnificence of the endless, deep, dark expanse of ocean inspired wonder, too. What could be out there? What could possibly extend beyond the small world Camellia had come to know? A slight glimmer of moonlight refracted through the waves above. Camellia wished she could fly above the water again, to see the moon laid bare in the sky, undistorted by endless waves.

She’d have to pass the trials first, though.

Admiring the view, neither spoke a word to the other for a few minutes. Eventually, Damos spoke up. “I failed the solos.”

“I’m so sorry, Damos. Really.”

He chuckled softly. “That’s what all of that yelling was about. I’m sure you heard some of it, if you were on the street when it happened. Parents were furious.”

“Why, though?”

Looking out at the dark depths in the distance, Damos remained silent for a moment. “They’ve got high expectations of me. Really high. They wanted me to succeed all on my own.”

“Is that what you want?”

Damos turned sideways with a confused look on his face. “What do you mean? Why does that matter?”

“It’s your own life, Damos. Shouldn’t that be the most important thing?”

He gazed at the rocks beneath them. “Sure. But the only thing I really wanted was to impress them. To meet their expectations.” He sighed. “Well, at least I can try in the team trials. I can still make it Dryside.” He closed his fist and brought it to his heart.

A thought occurred to Camellia. Though his parents had been rough, Damos had it pretty easy down here. Sure, the people of The Bed mythologized the land above, but from her brief stint in the sun, it didn’t seem that special. “Why do you want to make it up top so bad? You’ve got a great life down here. Free rent, guaranteed job at the shop, plenty of friends — what more could you want?” If there hadn’t been that disjointed, out-of-place soul issue Camellia had, such a life would be perfect for her. And here Damos was, goofing around, taking nothing seriously. He had it good, didn’t he?

“You must have gotten a real knock on the head before I found you,” Damos chuckled. “Who wouldn’t want to get up there? And a wish? Come on.”

“I guess.” It didn’t seem all that incredible to Camellia, since there was already literal magic in this world, but she was an outsider. Perhaps she could never understand.

The conversation came to a standstill. The talk of jobs and rent and friends caused her thoughts to drift to the Institute and her previous life. He gets a second chance. Must be nice, having another shot at your dream. Her shoulders fell. Well, I had a second chance too, just a few weeks ago. I just blew it. And then died.

“Must be nice having a second chance like that,” Camellia wistfully muttered.

Damos scoffed. “Hah! As if. My parents already told me I’ve disappointed them. Now I’m just fighting for myself, and the long shot that I might impress them with the team. Well, that and a new life up there.” He turned back to Camellia. “If anything, I’m jealous of you.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“It must be nice not needing to worry about falling short like that,” Damos explained.

With the reminder of her family, her old job, her sad and depressed state before her death, her mind could focus only on… Scarlett.

Huh? I’ve fallen short more times than you can count, dude, Camellia thought. She bit her tongue, keeping the shot from escaping. “Well, it hasn’t been that easy for me, you know.” She let out a terse laugh.

“Are you kidding? It totally has!” Damos said lightheartedly, but his voice betrayed a hint of envy. “You thought you weren’t going to be able to use magic like the rest of us, and then all of a sudden you get blessed with this insanely powerful, never-before-seen aspect! Seems pretty damn easy to me,” he huffed.

Camellia’s blood boiled. “I haven’t just had it easy, Damos.” Her words, staccato and punctuated, provoked Damos.

“What would you even know about failing? Hah!”

You think I don’t know anything about failure?

Camellia, calm down. He doesn’t know. Your past is a mystery. Take a deep breath.

She, unfortunately, did not take a deep breath. Tensions were high for both of them, clearly: Damos with his puffy eyes, red from crying after the spat with his parents; Camellia with her melancholic reminiscing of a life now far gone. Emotions strung out far too thin, the two of them practically caused the water around them to evaporate.

Camellia jumped to her feet, furious. “What would I know about failing? A whole lot more than you, man, with your cushy life above your parents' shop.”

“Says the girl with the power to fucking fly! You wanna talk about ‘easy,’ maybe look at your own life first.” Damos leapt to his feet, too. “You know how long it took me to get my aspect? Eight months.” His face began to turn red. “And you waltz in and snag it in a week!”

“Sounds like that's a good reason for introspection, huh? Maybe it took you eight months because you spend too much time goofing off — if you applied yourself a little more, maybe you could've gotten yours in a week, too!”

Suddenly, it all went still. The water turned frigid.

Damos sniffled. Bringing a hand up to his face, he rubbed an eye and glared at Camellia. Without saying a word, he pushed past her, bumping her shoulder hard on the way out, and disappeared into the hole from whence they arrived.