The Birthday Girl

Walking around the room, I tried to find something to cure my boredom. It had been a while since the talk I had with The Scientist, and since then, I have had no input. My senses have finally become adjusted to the room after all the collapsing and now I can roam freely. Being surrounded by infinite reflections of myself, however, I am something I am thoroughly displeased with. Seeing my own problems in front of my very eyes with no way to remove them pains me. But what is life if not pain and struggles?

To bide my time, I have resorted to playing children games. Mainly hopscotch. As a child, I used to imagine all the different grids on the ground when I had no chalk to draw with.

Hop. 2 feet. Hop. 2 feet. Hop 2 feet.

Singing nursery rhymes to accompany it made me feel like I was a child again. But after a while, even that got boring. It was hard to come up with things to keep me company, so I began to do whatever any normal child would do when alone.

Imaginary friends!

"Morning...or is it evening? Or is it night? Whichever one it is, I would like everyone to introduce themselves. I shall begin. My name is Jolynn, and I am currently seventeen years old. I live with my family, who are farmers through and through. Now, who would like to go first." I made sure my voice was much more formal and eloquent.

With a high-pitched tone, I began to speak. "Me, me! My name is Amy. I'm um eight years old. I live with my dad and mom and brother and older brother and baby sister. My dad works, and my mom cooks. And I eat my mom's food. Nice to meet you all!"

"What a lovely introduction, Amy." I said, reverting back to the eloquence. "Now who shall like to go next?"

"I shall. I'm Jake. I am eighteen, and I am a construction worker. I'm really big and super strong, so don't mess with me!" A much deeper voice is what I opted for with a sprinkle of ego. My idea of an eighteen-year-old boy.

"Well, that was...interesting. We have one last person, why don't you introduce yourself."

"Um...um h...hi. I...I'm Lily. It is n...nice to meet you a...all." Shy and introverted. The epitome of a loner.

"Ah, imaginary friends! I had a few when I was younger. It brings back so many memories." A voice said through the speaker, catching me off guard as I jumped and turned around.

"Oh, it's you." I said unamused.

"Oh, come on, Jolynn, I'm not that bad. Am I?"

"You areeeee!" Amy screamed very loudly. "Boooooo!"

I heard a chuckle from the speaker almost as if he enjoyed my childlike behaviour.

"You are a lively one, I'll give you that. It makes this so much more exciting. How long can you stay like that? Why don't we find out?"

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"You know gas? It is such a curious little thing. Slithering inside the room like a snake, a hissing sound accompanying it. It creeps..."

His charismatic monologue continued as I noticed a peculiar hissing sound emerging from all four corners of the room. And before I knew it, gas started to swarm in as I rushed to the middle to stay awake for as long as I could.

"...closer and closer. You can run and scream, "Oh, the screaming is a delight, but no matter how hard you wail or cry, it just won't stop." It's similar to a black hole in a sense. It's unending hunger as it swallows up everything in its way. Never leaving a trace behind."

"Don't you dare touch her." Jake said with anger.

"Keep those fantasies close to you. You're going to need them. See you in a bit."

Darting my face left and right, I tried to distance myself as much as I could so I could buy sometimes to look for a way to escape. But there was no escape. My heart dropped as I knew that he was right. I could wail and scream and cry. But no one will hear. No one can help me.

As the gas reached my body, it crawled up my legs, wrapping around in a spiral, up my chest, and stared me directly into the eyes. My body froze as fear filled me up. In front of me, all I could see was a serpent. Its slithering tongue flicked in and out, the faint hiss in the background and the sharp teeth ready to bite me at any time. And then it lunged at me, entering my mouth and nostrils. I felt it engulf my insides as it swarmed through every inch of my body.

I flailed and cried; the pain was unbearable. It was as if I was being eaten from the inside. Stroking my heart, it kept me alive just enough so that I could experience the pain but never let me lose consciousness. And then it wrapped around my heart tightly, clutching it with immense force that it could burst any seconds. My eyes opened and closed as I drifted into and out of consciousness. Not long after, my body gave up, as did my mind, and I dropped with a loud thud onto the glass floor, causing a small crack where my left cheek had planted. And I drifted off into my dreams. Or nightmares.

Jolting up from my bed, I moved my hands across my body, checking if all my organs were in the right place. Getting out of the bed, I realised I was in my room again.

Seriously, the same dream?

As I walked around, everything was the same as the last time. Notebook in the same place, all the pictures in the same place, even the colour order of the clothes were the same. Opening the door, I walked down the dark corridor. Unusually, it felt horrifyingly long as I continued to walk to no end. At the end of the corridor, however, was a singular wooden door. Small scratches were plastered over it as the doorknob was covered in rust. I began to feel nervous. If it was anything like the last time, then I knew I was in for a lot of pain. Letting out a deep breath, I turned the rusted handle slowly as the door creaked open.

Suddenly, a bright light flashed across my eyes as I couldn't see anything. After a while, the light disappeared, and I opened my eyes to a table covered in a pink cloth. There were balloons tied to each of the chairs as plates were laid out neatly. In the corner, a stack of presents lay as a soft melodic tune played in the back. Looking up a huge poster was displayed with glitter and a variety of colours.

Happy birthday.

Painted across the middle in capitals, my face became much more wary as time passed.

Which birthday of mine is this?

I thought cautious of what was going to happen. Unexpectedly, the door behind me flung open as a swarm of children ran into the room. Trying to get out of the way, I noticed that some of them zipped through me. Standing still, I realised I was right. They didn't see me. I watched as each child filled with such happiness walked and sat around the table filling up all the chairs.

Lastly, a singular, lone girl walked in shyly. Pigtails drooped down her back as she held a small brown teddy in her arms. She wore a party hat and a massive badge that read Birthday Girl. She walked up nervously towards the table and took her seat without saying a word. A somewhat chubby girl, her cheeks plump, and so was her body, but not to a huge extent. Fiddling with her thumbs, she sat in silence as all the other kids chatted away. I could see a genuine expression of sadness on her face. Even though it was her moment, her birthday, her time to shine all she could do was sit idly and wait for the cake. My heart ached as I continued to watch the girl sit there miserably.

I was such a loner.

I thought to myself. As I walked up towards the table, I watched to see if I would even say a single word. But I just sat silently a painful discomfort clearly visible on my face. Then, behind me, I heard the sparkling sound of candles gushing in as a woman walked in with a huge smile holding a gigantic chocolate cake.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday day dear Jolynn! Happy birthday to... you." Smaller me couldn't even muster a smile due to her shyness, so she sat there trying to hide her red face. "Blow the candles out, Jolynn." My mother said, encouraging me.

Grudgingly, I took a faint blow three times to make sure that the candles went out and everyone cheered. Party poppers flew across the room as the other children congratulated me. Yet I remained silent. Not even a smile in response.

Come on, do something you waste of space.

I thought to myself. But I knew how it all planned out. I didn't say a single thing for this birthday as it was the same for all the other ones. Angrily, I walked up to my younger self and started shouting at her.

"SAY SOMETHING. AT LEAST SMILE. OUR MOTHER WENT THROUGH ALL OF THIS JUST FOR YOU. SHE WENT THROUGH SO MANY BIRTHDAYS FOR YOU. AND YOU REPAID HER LIKE THIS. WHY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO EXIST?"

I wept my anger, getting the best of me as tears rolled down my cheek like a river. And then I realised the worst hadn't even started. The whispers of all the parents had rolled out.

"Why doesn't she talk?"

"I think she might be mute."

"Poor child, you have to feel sorry for the mother."

"And look at her size. It isn't befitting of a lady."

I had heard those words millions of times in my life. Not once was there something good said about me. But I knew that at the end of the day they were right. I hated who I was. I hated everything about me. This shy, lonely girl was my nightmare. And seeing everything again made me hate her even more. Before I could let out more of my anger at her, she slowly turned her head towards me. Fear filled me as it felt as if she saw me. As if she was aware of everything I said and everything I saw. And then she spoke.

"W...Why do you h...hate me so m...much?" Tears filled her eyes as her throat felt dry. She could barely let out the words from her mouth as she just stared at me with so much pain. "I...I didn't ask for this. I didn't a...ask for any of this. I wanted to be how you were from now. I didn't want to be born like this!" She clutched my collar as she stared at the floor, tears falling down nonstop. "Don't discard me. Please. Don't leave me alone. I hate being alone. I hate everything. I...I hate myself."

Silence. That was my reply. I couldn't say anything. This powerless young girl, the one thing I wanted to forget, was begging me not to leave her behind. The innocent face she showed me as her tears continuously poured out made my heart ache. I could feel myself getting shot continuously for every tear that dropped. After all these years, I still never looked at it from her way.

I was just a child. I was allowed to feel like this. Was I not?

Conflicting emotions and thoughts fought inside me, and I couldn't understand which one was right. All I could do was watch as she tugged on my collar, demanding an answer.

"That's the first time you have ever shouted." I said finally.

"I hate shouting. It's mean, and it isn't kind. I don't want to be a mean person."

"Being loud isn't something a mean person does."

"It is. Daddy shouts at mommy whenever he is mad, and it makes mommy cry."

"He did that, didn't he? But we are all fine now. We live happily."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"But how did I become you? I can't do anything, and yet I was able to turn so amazing."

"I stopped caring. I realised that people's opinions don't mean anything to me. So what if they don't respect you. Who cares about that. If respect stops you from being you, then respect is useless." I raised my hand to wipe her tears, but she continues to cry.

"You're right. I shouldn't have existed."

"No..." I went silent as I couldn't understand how to reply to that. All these years, I blamed myself for everything, and I always knew that if I hadn't turned out like that, then none of it would have happened. How do I forgive someone who tormented me for my whole life? I think I just really couldn't. And then she froze. "Hey, you okay? Answer me."

"She won't reply anymore. But it was really emotional. I have to admit it."

Looking up, a man stood in front of me. He had black hair and light red eyes. I felt the same fear I had felt when I stared into the eyes from my previous dream. I knew who he was instantly.

"You're The Scientist." I said, standing up.

"Nice to meet you." He said. His voice was unusually comforting.

"Why show me all this? Why remind me?" I asked furious.

"So that you don't forget."

"Forget what?"

"That it is all your fault. All the arguments. All the beating your mother got from your father. It was because..." He moved right into my face and whispered the last part. "...you were a disappointment."

I felt my body shake, and tears began to form.

"Shut up."

"Why? Can't take the truth. Oh, poor Jolynn! She thinks that after all these years she can change her lifestyle and everything, oh everything is fine. Just bury the past and move on. Isn't that the way? All the suffering your mother went through because of you."

"Shut up."

"She would get up from the floor covered in her own blood! Oh, poor Mrs Parker. She didn't deserve such a child."

"Shut up."

"No, she deserved someone who could actually be there for support. Someone she could talk to. A person she could rely on. Yet you failed her. You did."

"Shut up!" I tried slapping him, but my hand passed right through his face. I couldn't even see anymore as the tears covered my entire face. I crouched down and cradled myself as I closed my eyes. I couldn't stop the tears. All the memories continued to flood back, and I couldn't stop them.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry..."

"See, little Jolynn, you never change." He said as she stared at my weak state.

"...Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry."

"I knew I could never change. I really should just die." She spoke.

"Well, that is good enough for now." And then he clicked his fingers as I awoke back into the glass rooms. Tears still in my eyes as all I did was just lay and weep.

I'm sorry.