Damned If You Do…

A flurry of snow blanketed the rocky terrain, wind and ice the party’s only company for the evening. Neither sunset nor sky could be seen through the veil. They could only huddle within the dimness of their shelter, walls formed directly from the cliffside as gales howled against the face of the mountain pass.

It’d been a few hours since things had spilled forth. Emotions, secrets, hearts. In the aftermath, both Citrine and Ferris had attempted to understand the situation better, but things had admittedly been messy, and the information conveyed was compromised with the storm and the intensity of it all.

Now though, since they'd finally managed to settle in for the night, comprehension was being given a second try.

Citrine watched as a green glow passed up and over Ferris’ virilized body, Durma working to assess the situation. The dwarf's eyelids scrunched together as he focused as much as he could on the magic. He, Larkspur, and Clunk had only found about things once they’d disembarked half an hour ago after all, so understandably, they had a lot to process.

The half-elf sat beside her partner as the druid continued his work, hand clenched above hers to provide comfort. She wasn’t sure if he would find anything, but regardless, she wouldn’t allow Ferris to go through this ordeal alone.

"Mm, I see…" the dwarf trailed off as the magic circulated. "I think… I have an idea now."

Larkspur perked up at the comment, several vials already in hand with even more balanced atop Clunk's. "Really? Perfect! Just tell me what the symptoms are. I've already gathered everything that can potentially help—"

"Hold up, don't get ahead of yourself, alchemist." Green slowly withdrew, allowing Durma to stretch out and crack his back. "Like the leystone curse, I don't think it's that straightforward."

Only the sound of the weather could be heard as the dwarf turned to Citrine, inhaling to steady himself.

"You were right though in your guess. The Trueflame's taint runs deep in her soul. It's a miracle she's still herself to be honest, let alone sane."

The warrior's gaze wettened as if already expecting the answer. Despite the forced smile, tension ran through her body like a taut string, ready to snap if plucked.

Unfortunately, while comfort and understanding could be afforded now, cordiality and subtlety could not.

"Ferris, how long have you been using this?" Citrine asked, inwardly pleading for her gut feeling to be wrong. "You said you started being yourself a year after we parted ways—but it's not possible that you started that long ago. How long then? Has it been a few weeks? A month or two?"

"…" The Adamantine's hesitance gave her the answer, and the half-elf closed her eyes to steel herself.

"It's as you fear. A year."

The answer hit the party like a wave, nearly staggering all of them at the revelation.

"So then, that's…" Larkspur's voice wavered, needing Clunk to keep him steady. "And how often have you been using it throughout this year? These forms are only meant to be held for minutes at a time. Hours at most."

Ferris chuckled, poorly masking the fingers digging into her palms. "Outside a few breaks when I was run completely dry?"

A gritted smile.

"It was every second, every minute, every day."

Citrine immediately hugged her partner's arm, desperately hoping that the act would at least somewhat ease the pain spreading across her face.

The others remained silent as the true gravity sunk in, broken first by Larkspur.

"Ferris, why didn't you come to us sooner? W-we would have helped you!" His voice trickled out like a vial shattered upon the ground. "Do you know how many concoctions I have for this? To make one look prettier, cuter… beautiful?!"

The warrior sighed, trying her best to not let what was left of her composure falter. "'Look' being the key word there. Larkspur, you know how much I've adored your potions—even back then before I had the courage to admit it. But they're not permanent, and they don't actually change you. There's nothing physical to them, nothing—"

Her voice suddenly came out coarse, and she flinched, as if the sound itself had stabbed her.

"—nothing real."

The party weren't sure how to react to Ferris' words, not even the woman herself.

"…" After a moment, Citrine shifted to take her hand, her partner's fingers slowly uncurling. "Ferris, I'm… sorry. I can't believe I didn't notice sooner. If I did, then—"

"No, don't be. I hid this. I should be apologizing to you."

"Ferris…"

Durma coughed, stepping back in to try soothe tensions. "Well, regardless of what's happened, the main thing is that this can still be remedied." He motioned over to the warrior. "There might not be a 'cure', but one can simply stop using it. Things won't get better, but it won't get worse."

Ferris shook her head, the light of the crystals glimmering off of a sweat-laden forehead. "Durma, no. I can't. I need to hold my form. I need to."

"Dear, we can figure out something else for you. Sure, it may be a long while until we can find something permanent, but we can at least—"

"NO! No. No, I can't wait!" The ogrelyn suddenly snapped, her voice cracking as she struggled to keep her emotions in check, wincing at the unmistakable masculine tone. "What do you think I spent the first few years on? I tried to experiment with so many things before I landed on this damn gem. I've managed to tweak some things, but nothing else measures up. Nothing!"

"But surely there's something that can work!" Larkspur interjected. "Trust me, I can make almost anything!"

The woman's eyes glistened with wetness yet just as much fire. "Larkspur, I appreciate it, but it's not just a matter of looking the part, nor sounding it, nor acting it. It's being it. This relic transforms completely. It makes me, me."

Durma shook his head. "You're ignoring logic here, Ferris. Even if that's so, the gem is still technically temporary, just like the alchemist's potions. Think about it. You can't just stay like that forever." The druid's voice echoed as he pointed to the gem now laid upon a stone table. "At this point, if you keep using it, there won't be any of you left."

"If I don't, I won't be me anymore!"

"Ferris—"

"No. Stop. Why aren't you this adamant about Citrine's curse? She's literally killing herself by not repressing her emotions, so why aren't you telling her to slow down?!"

"Because she has no other choice!" Durma's voice rose to meet hers. "You do."

"By giving up myself?! I've been doing my entire life! If I have to choose between doing that and death, I'd rather die!"

The sheltered rattled with the proclamation followed by a few seconds of silence.

She sharply took in air, and a tremor ran through her.

Citrine felt her heart twist as the warrior's face crumbled, and her partner buried her face in her hands.

"…Damn it. Sorry, I know you all mean well, I do. It's just…" The ogrelyn's breath was ragged, her body tense, and her expression pained. "The hell is with this shitty life. Born wrong, live wrong, and even after saving the world, I'm still not given a chance at happiness?"

It was Citrine's turn to intervene, the half-elf's arms once again trying to wrap around her partner.

She couldn't bear to see her spiral.

"Ferris, we're all given chances at happiness. Perhaps they're not as many as some, and perhaps they can be cruel or fleeting, but so long as we're alive, we'll be here to help you claim them."

She sighed, looking over at the rest of the party.

"We're already far closer to our destination than I'd planned for. Once we pass the mountains, it'll only be a few days before we get to Nexuspoint. I don't know what I can propose for Ferris, but it would be hypocritical of me to deny her the same path I've chosen for myself."

Durma's brow furrowed before softening slightly. 

"Bah, I suppose the lass can decide for herself, but still. There's a reason why I set out with you all to stop the Trueflame those years ago, so to see it burn yet another soul I hold dear, it is… difficult. I can't help but feel as if I'm failing you in some way."

Larkspur sniffled, fidgeting with a few vials. "To think that you were suffering like this the entire time…"

Citrine's lips quivered as she rose.

"There's no sense in what ifs. For now… let's just prepare and get some rest. As for you, Ferris."

She locked eyes with her.

"Whatever you choose, I'll be here for you."