Chapter 64: Operation Annihilate Self-Esteem

My office was filled with the sound of my own delighted, slightly unhinged laughter. This was better than popcorn. This was a seven-course banquet of schadenfreude with a side of cosmic irony. On my main screen, the three cursors representing my chaotic little creations were beginning to converge. The stage was set, the actors were in place, and the curtains were about to rise on the greatest comedic tragedy ever performed.

The first meeting between my two multiversal imports happened in that sunny field, and it was a clash of philosophies so profound it was a miracle the universe didn't short-circuit.

Kenji Tanaka, the Goblin King of Commerce, had his moss suit perfectly straightened and was already taking soil samples, muttering about nitrogen levels and cash crop potential. He was a creature of pure, unadulterated logic and ambition.

Yui Amano, the avatar of the Clingy Dragon of Friendship, was currently sniffing a daisy with childlike wonder before turning her attention back to the horizon, her entire being focused on a single, adorable goal. She was a creature of pure, unfiltered emotion.

"Greetings," Kenji said, approaching her with a formal, if slightly stiff, bow. He'd clearly been practicing his "diplomatic envoy" persona. "Kenji Tanaka, CEO and founder of Tanaka Goblin Conglomerate. I am here to explore new market opportunities. And you are?"

Yui beamed at him, a smile so bright it could have powered a small sun. "I'm Yui! And I'm here to find my new precious person! The nice sky-lady said he smells like sad rain and forgotten dreams!"

Kenji stared at her, his goblin-green face a mask of utter confusion. He adjusted his bottle-cap crown. "Sad rain and forgotten dreams," he repeated slowly, as if trying to input the terms into a mental spreadsheet. "I see. And is this 'precious person' a quantifiable asset? Does this 'sadness' have a market value? Perhaps as a luxury good? Artisanal angst is very popular with the nobility in my world."

"He's not for selling! He's for protecting and hugging and never ever leaving alone!" Yui declared, puffing out her cheeks. "And I can smell him! He's this way!"

She pointed a determined finger towards the capital city. Kenji’s analytical brain visibly stalled for a moment, trying to process the tactical value of "smelling angst." He probably ran the numbers, calculated the probability of her being insane versus her possessing a unique biological tracking skill, and concluded that with no other data, following the crazy pink girl was the most logical course of action.

"Very well," he conceded. "My conglomerate is open to a temporary strategic alliance. Let us proceed to the target demographic."

And so, the strangest duo in the history of Aethelgard set off. A tiny, green-skinned businessman marching with purpose, and a pink-haired girl skipping happily, occasionally stopping to ask a squirrel if it had seen a boy who looked like he needed a hug.

Meanwhile, their target was having a spectacularly bad day. Silas, after the pig-cart incident, had managed to clean himself up in a river, only to have his [Blade of Infinite Lament] compose a ten-stanza epic poem about the tragic transient nature of soap bubbles. He had finally made it to the capital, only to be stopped by a city guard who was deeply concerned by the faint odor of damp socks emanating from him.

It was at this moment, as Silas was trying to explain that his smell was a manifestation of his tortured soul and not a hygiene issue, that his new companions found him.

"There he is!" Yui squealed, her eyes locking onto him like heat-seeking missiles of affection.

"Target acquired," Kenji noted, pulling out a small, intricately carved wooden abacus. "Subject appears to be a humanoid male, silver hair, high-quality starting gear. Currently engaged in a negotiation with local law enforcement. Pathetic. His brand identity is a mess."

Before Silas could react, Yui was upon him. She moved with the unnatural speed of a being who was secretly a dragon, closing the distance in a blur of pink frills. She launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck in a hug that lifted his feet clean off the ground.

"I found you, my precious tragic person!" she cried happily into his ear. "I'm Yui, and I will protect you forever and ever!"

TWANG-twang-twang-TWANG-a-lang!

Loud, obnoxious, and painfully out-of-tune ukulele music suddenly filled the air, seemingly coming from nowhere and everywhere at once. Silas froze, his face a mask of pure, unadulterated horror. The city guard jumped back, startled. Even the pigeons on a nearby roof stopped cooing.

As Silas struggled to pry the surprisingly strong girl off him, Kenji strode forward, clearing his throat. "Silas, I presume?" he said, adjusting his non-existent tie. "Kenji Tanaka. I'm a hero management consultant. I've been observing your market entry, and frankly, it's a disaster. Your initial public offering was, to be blunt, face-down in pig filth. Your brand lacks focus."

He unrolled a scroll made of cured animal hide. On it was a detailed flowchart drawn in berry juice. "I've taken the liberty of drafting a five-phase strategic plan to overhaul your hero narrative. Phase one: we ditch the 'mysterious loner' angle. It's over-saturated. We rebrand you as 'The People's Hero.' Approachable, relatable, but with a hint of that tragic backstory your aura is screaming about. We start with a line of merchandise. I'm thinking motivational posters. 'Hang in there,' with a picture of you looking sad."

Silas finally managed to get his feet back on the ground, though Yui was still clinging to his back like a limpet. "What is happening?" he stammered, his blue eyes wide with panic. "Who are you people? And what is that horrible music?!"

"That would be your heart, apparently," I whispered to myself from my divine throne, shoveling another handful of popcorn into my mouth.

"Do not worry about the details, my precious person!" Yui chirped, now trying to feed him a squashed berry she'd been saving in her pocket. "Just let Yui take care of everything!"

"This is phase two: party acquisition," Kenji continued, oblivious. "A hero is only as strong as his team. Miss Yui here, despite her lack of business acumen, clearly fills the 'enthusiastic support' role. I will handle logistics, finance, and public relations. We'll be unstoppable. My commission is a mere thirty percent of all loot, endorsements, and royal rewards."

The guard, who had been watching this unfold with a mixture of fear and fascination, finally found his voice. "On second thought, sir," he said to Silas, "you look like you've got enough problems. Go on through. And, uh, good luck." He scurried away, not wanting to get involved in whatever fresh madness had just arrived in his city.

Silas was left alone in the street with his two new... associates. One was trying to climb onto his head to get a better view. The other was explaining the tax benefits of registering his heroic deeds as a limited liability corporation.

His legendary sword, the [Blade of Infinite Lament], chose that moment to offer its own commentary. It glowed faintly at his hip, and its deep, sonorous voice echoed in the street.

"A pink girl appears," it recited mournfully. "A green man talks deals. My master looks so very sad. How does this make him feel?"

Silas looked to the heavens, his face a perfect picture of despair. His grand, tragic adventure had officially been hijacked by a dragon, a goblin, and a bad poet.

Up in my realm, I had to pause the feed because I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Operation Annihilate Self-Esteem was not just on schedule. It was exceeding all expectations.