Chapter 65: The Hero and the Overbearing Dragon

For a long, silent moment, Silas just stood there in the middle of the street, a human statue of disbelief. On his back, a pink-haired girl who smelled faintly of ozone and strawberries was humming a cheerful tune. In front of him, a goblin in a moss suit was making furious calculations on a wooden abacus. And at his hip, his legendary sword was reciting another one of its soul-crushingly bad poems.

"The hero stands, a lonely peak," the sword intoned. "With friends so strange, his future's bleak."

"Shut up," Silas whispered, his voice trembling with a mixture of rage and despair.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. He was the Chosen One. The Lone Wolf. The tragic, brooding hero destined to walk a path of beautiful, photogenic solitude. He was supposed to acquire mysterious, powerful allies after intense, emotionally charged story arcs, not be accosted by a hyperactive limpet and a green-skinned tax attorney.

He had to get away.

"I need to go to the Adventurer's Guild," he announced, trying to sound cool and detached. He gently, then firmly, tried to peel Yui off his back. It was like trying to remove a barnacle that was super-glued to a battleship.

"Ooh, an adventure!" Yui squealed, her grip only tightening. "Our first adventure together! This is so exciting! It's like a date! Are there monsters? I hope they're cute!"

"An excellent strategic move," Kenji nodded, snapping his abacus shut. "The Guild is a primary driver of the local economy and a hub for networking. Establishing a professional presence there is crucial. I'll handle the contract negotiations. Do not, under any circumstances, sign anything without my review. Their liability clauses are notoriously predatory."

Silas gave up on removing Yui and simply started walking, carrying her on his back. It ruined his brooding, mysterious walk, turning it into more of a strained, overburdened shuffle. But it was either that or stand there forever.

The Adventurer's Guild of Aethelgard's capital was an imposing stone building, filled with the boisterous sounds of mercenaries and heroes-in-training. The air smelled of stale beer, old leather, and testosterone. The moment Silas shuffled in, a pink-haired girl still attached to him, followed by a goblin in a business suit, the entire hall went silent. Every eye was on them.

Silas’s cheeks burned. So much for making a cool first impression.

He trudged to the front desk, where a bored-looking woman with a scar over one eye was sharpening a letter opener. "I'm here to register," Silas said, his voice a low growl.

"Name?" the woman asked, not looking up.

"Silas."

"Party name?"

"I don't have one. I work alone."

"Yes, we do!" Yui chirped, finally hopping off his back, only to lean over the counter. "We're the 'Precious Friends Adventure Squad!' Or maybe 'Yui and Silas's Super Happy Fun Time!' I can't decide!" She then pulled a crayon out of thin air and started drawing a heart on the registration form.

The receptionist stared at the crayon heart. Then at Yui. Then at Silas. A slow, cruel smile spread across her face.

"Hold on," Kenji interjected, pushing Yui gently aside and placing a thick, professionally bound scroll on the counter. "My client, Mr. Silas, will not be registering under standard guild articles. I have here a revised contract proposal. It includes clauses for performance bonuses, intellectual property rights for any unique monsters slain, and a comprehensive dental plan. You'll also note in Appendix B, a proposal for a corporate sponsorship, wherein the Tanaka Goblin Conglomerate will provide logistical support in exchange for a 15% branding fee on all official Guild quests."

The receptionist blinked. She looked at the hundred-page legal document written in goblin ink, then at Kenji, then back at Silas, who looked like he was seconds away from being swallowed by the floor.

"Right," she said, pushing Kenji's contract aside and stamping the crayon-defaced form. "Welcome to the Guild, 'Precious Friends Adventure Squad.' Your first quest is on the board. Try not to die."

Silas died a little on the inside. He was now, officially, a member of the Precious Friends Adventure Squad. He could already feel his tragic backstory being cheapened.

The quest board was filled with requests to slay griffins and hunt liches. Silas saw his chance to prove himself. But Kenji, ever the pragmatist, steered them towards the beginner's section.

"A-rank quests have high overhead and significant risk," he explained. "We must start with low-risk, high-volume ventures to build capital. Ah, here we are. 'Giant Slug Infestation in the Whispering Woods.' Low-danger, and the slime has excellent applications as an industrial adhesive. A solid entry-level investment."

"Slugs! Are they slimy?" Yui asked, clapping her hands. "Can I pet them?"

"I would advise against petting the inventory, Miss Yui," Kenji said sternly.

And so, the newly-christened Precious Friends Adventure Squad set out for the Whispering Woods. The entire way, Yui skipped, Kenji lectured Silas on market diversification, and the ukulele music played, a jaunty, terrible soundtrack to his personal hell.

The Whispering Woods were not, in fact, whispering. They were gurgling. The giant slugs were everywhere, iridescent blobs of goo the size of large dogs, leaving trails of sizzling slime that melted the forest floor.

"Disgusting," Silas muttered, drawing his sword. "Finally. Some action."

TWANG-a-lang-a-lang!

"They're so cute and squishy!" Yui cried, her eyes sparkling. She immediately ran towards the nearest slug.

"Yui, no!" Silas yelled, but it was too late.

She reached out to pat the slug's head. The slug, in response, did what slugs do: it secreted a defensive acid. A glob of green goo shot towards Yui.

Silas moved in a blur, his OP hero skills finally kicking in. He appeared in front of Yui, batting the acid away with the flat of his blade. The metal of the [Blade of Infinite Lament] hissed and smoked.

"My face, my face, my beautiful face," the sword wailed. "Is scarred by goo in this foul place."

Yui stared at the smoking spot on the sword, and then at the slug. Her happy-go-lucky expression vanished. Her pink eyes began to glow with an intense, crimson light.

"You," she said, her voice dropping several octaves. "You tried to hurt my precious person's precious sword."

The temperature in the forest dropped twenty degrees. The air crackled with power.

"Uh oh," I said in my divine office, pausing mid-chew. "Here we go."

"Do not damage the merchandise!" Kenji shouted, already scooping slime samples into a series of carefully labeled vials.

Yui didn't listen. A wave of pink energy erupted from her, and she began to grow. Her frilly dress tore away as her form elongated, shimmering scales appearing on her skin. In seconds, the cute, pink-haired girl was gone, replaced by a fifty-foot-tall, majestic, and terrifyingly angry pink dragon.

She towered over the trees, her shadow blanketing the entire clearing. She let out a roar that shook the very foundations of the world, a sound of pure, protective fury.

The giant slugs, which had seemed so menacing moments before, now looked like terrified, slimy throw pillows.

Silas stared up at her, his jaw hanging open. "You're... a dragon?"

The dragon, Yui, turned her massive head to look down at him. She gave him what was probably meant to be a reassuring wink, but with an eye the size of a dinner table, it looked more like a catastrophic seizure. Then, she turned back to the slugs.

"I'll teach you to mess with my friends!" she roared, and took a deep breath.

What happened next wasn't a heroic battle. It was pest control on a biblical scale. She didn't breathe a precise stream of fire. She unleashed a veritable tsunami of pink, sparkling flames that washed over the entire section of the forest. The slugs, the trees, the rocks, and a significant portion of Kenji's slime samples were instantly vaporized.

When the light faded, a vast swathe of the Whispering Woods was gone, replaced by a smoking, blackened crater that smelled faintly of glitter and burnt escargot.

Yui transformed back into her human form, landing gracefully in the center of the devastation. She dusted off her magically-repaired dress and beamed at Silas.

"I protected you!" she announced proudly.

Silas just stood there, covered in ash, twitching.

Kenji, meanwhile, was looking at the crater with a thoughtful expression. "Well," he said, adjusting his bottle-cap crown. "The good news is, we've cornered the market on pre-charred lumber. I think I can sell this as artisanal firewood. The profit margins will be incredible."

Their first quest was complete. They had successfully eliminated the giant slug infestation. They had also committed deforestation on a scale that would get them arrested in fourteen countries.

As Silas stood there, broken and defeated, the ukulele music started up again, a cheerful counterpoint to the crackling of the still-burning forest. His adventure had begun. And it was already a complete and utter disaster.