"Kut Al-Amara"

Walking to the bus stop was rather mundane. There is nothing to note on the minute trip to Atlantic Avenue. The nerves of my body unfold right before me. Realizing where and realizing what I am about to do today is a foreign experience. I take my seat awaiting the bus trip that proceeds me. Feeling the April air, I understand that life is moving forward. The feeling of spring always strikes me as nostalgic. I remember the trips with my grandmother to the store as the sun gently graced my skin and the wind moved with elegance. Feeling the same as I sit on an old and worn down wooden bench I wonder to myself how lost within my own life I am. I am only fifteen years old, I've been on this planet for barely a fracture of an average life yet I feel as if my existence here already has completed its own narrative.

I find myself lost in thought as I notice the orange metro heading south to reach my stop. Staring at the bus I realize that Luciana will be on before me as she lives north of here. I must prepare to see her, I must prepare to greet her, and I must prepare to converse with her. I begin to feel my skin go numb and the sweat in my palms intensify. All my insecurities and abilities as a social being will lay themselves forth as I take upon this great endeavor. Though, I do recognized how minimal an event like this is in the grand scheme of life. 

The bus stops before me, as the mechanical doors open and the hydraulics lower, I enter the vehicle. I pay my dollar to the driver who doesn't even spare me much of a look. Heading towards the rear, I see her. She sees me. After a breath of air I must move onward as the bus waits for no-one. I make it halfway and the bus begins to move. I know to grab the straps. She moves aside to make room for me meaning she will get the window seat. 

"Hey." Luciana greets me right as I plant myself down.

I take a look at her and she gives me a light smile, "Hey there." I say attempting to be calm.

We both get comfortable in our seats as she places her bag on her lap. I spread my legs a little but not much to impede on her personal space. 

"So, how are you?" She looks at me once more.

I look back at her with a sense of thought. I don't really know how to answer a question like that but I know I need to answer, "I've been doing alright, just relaxing." My lips do all the work as my brain continues to burn itself out.

"That's good, you ready for today?" She interviews my anxiousness.

"Yeah for sure, today will be cool." I reply. Although I feel my mind is an expanding lexicon, I cannot muster a proper response.

The bus continues down the familiar streets of Los Angeles. The sun beams down on the broken asphalt as the many homeless and other residents walk along the side of the street toward some destination. This city of Angels always looks as if it's no more than a city of cracks and lost dreams. Those who migrate to this city are often artists seeking opportunity. I love music and I find joy in playing music myself, yet I know where I come from will never allow me to be anything with my music. 

Music stays on my mind as Luciana speaks once more, "So, what are your hobbies Johnny?" She asks me.

I return from the clouds of my mind to briefly exchange eye contact before shying away, "I think music is cool, I've been playing drums since I was twelve." I give a standard response. Truth is that drumming isn't much of a hobby since I'm only able to do it at the school, even so I wouldn't call myself that avid toward it.

"That's really cool Johnny, what kind of music inspires you?" Luciana continues her questioning. 

Taking a metaphorical step back, I never spent much time thinking of genre and specific music which has caught my attention. I play rudimentary jazz at school and I am quite fond of the many fusion and sub-genres that jazz has to offer, but I don't find myself listening too often on my own. This question of music really plagues my mind. I never reflected much on what I do as a person. I don't think too deeply of my own interests and actions. I'm feeling as if I'm being interrogated.

I must respond with something, "I'm not too sure, I play a bit of jazz so I'd say jazz probably inspires me." I respond to her question.

"Oh I love Jazz," Luciana gives me an enthusiastic reply, "I've seen you hang around the music room before, are you in the school jazz band?" She asks another question.

I stutter in my attempt to respond, "yeah I'm the drummer for our small jazz group." I don't know what details to give, I only play basic swing and I haven't grasped the concepts and terminology of jazz yet. I don't want to come off as a major jazz enthusiast, I'm just trying to keep conversation.

"That's very cool Johnny, I hear that jazz drumming isn't for the faint of heart." She adds. 

She keeps eye contact with my while I occasionally drift my eyes away. It's hard to look at someone's face for so long, it makes this bus ride seem to last an eternity. I am afraid of awkward silence though, so I have to endure.

This feels like the first time I'm really talking with her one on one about interests. We've only been discussing school for the past couple of months, we haven't shared too much about our personal lives. I guess this is why she wanted to go out anyway. I can't help but feel so new with her, even if I've known her for a little while now.

"Yeah jazz drumming is said to be very difficult on the higher levels, I haven't gotten very far yet I'm still new to it." I say.

"Do you listen to jazz often?" She asks.

"I'll admit I'm not a super fan of the genre, I've heard it around but I don't go out of my way to listen." I reply. I try and keep it honest with her because I don't want to end up being a jazz poser in her eyes.

It's hard enough to talk about music since I see it as something so casual. I know how to play an instrument but I don't force my skills or drown myself in musical culture. I have seen a couple YouTube drumming tutorials and looked up some basic fundamentals online; however, I don't have the time, resources, or energy to truly try and master music in any way. 

"Is there anything else you have been up to recently?" She asks yet another question.

I take a second to think about what I have been doing with my free time. A lot of time has been spent doing schoolwork or maybe playing a computer game of some sort. Nothing has been very noteworthy. Though, I do remember I've started the process of getting my driver's license since I turned fifteen at the end of last year. 

"I've started the online Driver's education courses they make you take towards a license." I explain.

"That's pretty cool," she states, "I haven't thought about driving yet I don't think I'm old enough to qualify for that class yet."

"Yeah I think you have to be fifteen and a half if I remember." Just as I say this the bus stops. At the stop I notice a familiar face. It's Josef. To my dismay Josef is entering the bus right now. I feel conflicted as I want to acknowledge him and even speak to him, but I don't want to cut into my time with Luciana. I have no idea how she might feel about me shifting my attention towards someone unexpectedly. 

Luciana seems to take notice to my stare at Josef, she asks me, "who's that?"

"He's a friend of mine, his name is Josef." I give a weak wave towards Josef after my response.

Josef doesn't seem to recognize me and takes a seat at an empty row. "Is it cool if I talk with him for a minute?" I ask Luciana.

"Yeah go for it." She assures me, though I can't help but feel she might be disappointed.

I make my way towards Josef as the bus begins to move and I nearly lose my balance. I grab a pipe and swing into the seat. 

Josef notices me, "Hey Johnny." He says with melancholy.

"Look Josef, I think I want to help you against Venustiano." This is what I've been meaning to say after thinking of the Franco incident.

"I see you've come to your senses about him." He comments.

I then ask him, "what are you trying to do, and what do you know about his power within the school?"

"Venustiano has the support of school faculty. He pays them off using money he makes through selling contraband ranging from chips to weed. This means teachers turn a blind eye to his brutality and bullying. That's why he is able to beat someone up like Franco and get away with it." Josef explains, "if you want to take him away from his position of power, you got to take away his ability to generate income within the school."

"Is that what you're trying to achieve?" I question Josef.

"Pretty much, he's an asshole and I'm sick of how he pushes around product and bullies people into paying for it. He is a mob boss within the school and things would be better without him." Josef says, "his main sponsor is Mr. Villanuevoz. Venustiano runs the 'Government' club which is what most of the student council is made of, Villanuevoz is the teacher in charge of that club." 

"Do you know other teachers he has the support of?" I ask.

"I believe all of the economics teachers, though I wasn't able to find out every teacher he's bribing. Though I don't blame the teachers for falling for it, they are getting paid nothing." Josef gives his explanation. 

The bus then comes to a halt at another stop. I should probably head back to Luciana, I think I got what I wanted from Josef.

"Alright man, I'm with this girl right now and I'm go back to sitting with her." I tell Josef.

"Oh shit, we'll talk later then." Josef says, "Goodluck man."

During the bus stop I return to Luciana. "What was all that about?" She asks me.

I don't know if I should tell the truth about all this to her. It's some silly political game at school. 

"It's just about the final for biology coming up." I tell her a lie.

She pauses for a moment and I can see she has something to say to me. I wonder what she is thinking right now. She looks away from me and then back at me with a more serious look.

"Do you have a crush on someone Johnny?" She questions. I am taken aback from this. The roaring of the bus gives even more emphasize on how weird this question is. I don't quite understand where it came from, nor her motive for asking in the first place. This feels like some middle school shit honestly. 

I haven't really been thinking about girls throughout school, I have been more worried about assignments, video games, and as of recently Venustiano. I don't even know what to say, I truly am stumped.

I open my mouth, "yeah uh, I don't really know." I give her an awkward expression.

I never really considered romance, maybe I'm just not at that age yet. Sure I've had small crushes on girls before, but I've never thought about pursuing anyone. 

"Don't get all flustered," she assures me, "if you don't want to answer that you don't have to." She says to me.

That's a relief.

She then continues, "although, I've only been in this city for a few months now, I have seen some cute guys around. That's why I wanted to ask to see if you felt that way about the girls here." 

Now I'm more confused. Maybe this is just a feminine thing, but I've rarely ever talked about the subject of crushes and likes with my friends before. Come to think of it I don't think I've ever talked about it with anyone before. 

I decide to shift the subject, "why did you move to Los Angeles anyway, and why this part of Los Angeles?" I ask her.

She then returns to her serious look, "can I be honest with you?"

I give an awkward expression, "yeah of course." I tell her.

She takes a sigh, "my dad was the one who moved us out here. It's for some work opportunity, but the truth is I didn't really want to leave my home." She looks away from a second and out the window, "My dad also has been stressing out about my little brother who doesn't like living here at all. My other siblings have been alright but my little brother is reserved and sensitive. My dad takes out all this frustration with the rest of us." She looks back at me, "I've been stuck at home doing chores outside of school time, I am lucky to have gotten out of the house for this."

That is a lot to digest. All of a sudden I know about her familial troubles, especially with her father. I wish I could say I could relate but truth is I have no idea what kind of issues she might be going through. I suck at these kinds of things, I'm lucky to have calmed Jennifer down before, but I don't know how to approach this.

I will dig deeper into this hoping it's the right thing to do, "Have you tried talking to your brother?"

"I have but he doesn't want to open up to anyone, he just locks himself in his room and refuses to do chores and homework. My dad tries to get him to go outside but it never works out." She explains to me.

"What about your mom, where is she in all of this?" I dig even deeper with the questions.

"I don't know how much she really cares, she just baby's my little brother and that leads her to arguing with my dad all the time. She really just separates herself from all of this leaving me and my siblings to be the ones to deal with it." She answers my question.

I hope I'm not making things worse by asking more, I just have no idea what the full context of the situation is. It's best if I know as much as I can.

"I'm not sure what you can do in this situation," I break my honesty with her, "I'm sorry about what you're dealing with."

I don't know what she wants to hear from me, or what she needs to hear from me. I hope all of this is not in vain.

"Don't be sorry about it," she tells me, "it's a confusing mess and it's my confusing mess." She then pauses and looks me straight in the eyes, "I appreciate you letting me talk about it, I think you're pretty cool Johnny."

Woah, I won't lie that is weird to hear. I never really talk with people about deep issues, and if I do it tends to be explosive and confusing. It's hard to also hear a slight compliment, I don't know how to feel about it. Everything feels strange, as if it's some kind of awakening. Maybe this is deeper friendship than what I ever knew. I honestly just don't know.