Apologize, You Piece of Shit

"When you're in the alleys, look up." Mr. Pei said, gesturing with his hands.

"Look up?" I crossed my arms. "That's it? Real helpful there, old man."

"Let me finish! If you see something shaped like a duck hanging above. That's where they do business."

"A duck?" I glanced at Peng, who tilted its head in equal confusion.

"Just wait around those spots. You'll see a sign."

"What kind of sign?"

"I wouldn't know! I don't associate with that sort of crowd."

"Oh?" I picked up one of his 'ancient artifacts.' "And what crowd would that be? The honest, upstanding citizens like yourself?"

"I provide a service!" He snatched the artifact from my hands. "Those people deal in much darker merchandise."

"Right." I eyed my black and yellow uniform. Not exactly subtle for stalking drug dealers in back alleys. My gaze swept across Mr. Pei's collection of 'artifacts' until… hello, what's this?

A sleek black robe caught my eye, its fabric shimmering. Perfect for blending into shadows.

"I'll be taking this." I snatched it off the rack.

Mr. Pei's eyes bulged. "Wait, that's designer! From the-"

"Is it now?" 

He raised a finger, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, but no words came out.

"Yeah, didn't think so." I folded the robe over my arm. "Tell you what. In exchange for not reporting your little scam operation again, I'll take this off your hands."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'm not like those stuck-up Corps. Plus, paperwork's a pain in the ass. But if I catch you running scams again..."

I raised my fist slowly, watching him shrink back against his stall.

"Y-yes ma'am," he squeaked.

***

I ducked into the nearest alley, glancing around before setting Peng down. It stared up at me with that vacant look, head tilted.

"Don't judge me," I muttered, shrugging off the stiff Corps jacket. The rest of the uniform followed. The cool air hit my skin as I stood there in my underwear, fumbling with the black robe.

The silky fabric slipped through my fingers twice before I managed to wiggle it on. It hung off me like a tent, sleeves dangling past my hands. Whatever. Better than that straitjacket of a uniform.

I bundled up the yellow and black clothes, slam-dunking them into a nearby dumpster.

Good fucking riddance.

Now this was more my style. Classic, elegant, and most importantly, easy to move in.

"Alright Peng, time to hunt down some druggies."

Peng waddled after me as I prowled the alleyways, scanning the clotheslines crisscrossing overhead. Sheets, pants, underwear that had seen better days... but no ducks.

This is stupid. What kind of druggies use duckies as their signal?

Then I spotted it - a ratty brown plush duck dangling from a line, its webbed feet bound with twine.

Huh. Guess that old man wasn't completely full of shit.

I studied the area. Graffiti covered the walls, but nothing screamed 'illegal drug den this way.' Just the usual badly drawn dicks plus a cat sleeping on a windowsill.

"What am I even looking for? Hey Peng, you see anything-"

The words died in my throat as I turned to empty beside me.

Oh for fuck's sake. Not again.

A faint "peng" echoed through the alley, followed by what sounded like someone's entire vocabulary of curse words compressed into a single breath.

I traced the sound a manhole cover that looked... wrong. The metal disc sat crooked, like someone had hastily tossed it back. Most importantly, the gap was just wide enough for a certain cylindrical penguin to squeeze through.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

I glared at the hole. Sure, I'd already gone dumpster diving today, but the sewers? That was a whole new level of bleg.

Well, can't get much worse than week-old takeout.

I dropped down, landing in ankle-deep whatever-the-fuck with a splash that made me instantly regret every life choice leading to this moment. The tunnel stretched in both directions, lit by patches of sunlight filtering through storm drains.

A skinny kid with messy brown hair was dragging himself out of river of sewage, retching. His clothes were soaked in stuff I really didn't want to think about. Meanwhile, Peng was wedged in a drainage ditch along the wall, flippers flailing uselessly as it "peng"-ed with increasing urgency.

"Hold on!" I called to the kid, rushing over to extract that dumbass penguin first. One sharp yank and Peng popped free, rolling into my arms.

I then went over to the kid and thrust out my hand. "Here."

As I hauled him up, I asked, "The hell happened?"

He pointed an accusing finger at Peng. "That... that thing came outta nowhere! Rolled right into my face when I was climbing out. Next thing I know, I'm-" His face turned green. "Oh god I think I swallowed some..."

"Oh, sorry about that." I flicked Peng. "Come on, apologize."

But Peng just stared into the void, like its rice-grain-sized brain cell had gone on vacation and left a 'back in 5' sign.

For fuck's sake.

I brought my fist down on top of its head, driving it halfway into its body.

"Apologize, you piece of shit."

"P-peng..."

"Don't worry about it." The kid shook his hands, dripping who-knows-what everywhere. "It's my fault. Bossman said using the sewers were asking for trouble, but did I listen? Nooo, thought I was being clever taking shortcuts. Now I'm gonna get chewed out for being such a noob. 'What kind of runner gets taken out by a cylinder?' he'll say."

Wait. Runner?

I studied him closer. Scrawny, talking about shortcuts and bossmen... This kid had "small time dealer" written all over him.

"Say, you wouldn't happen to be carrying any... special deliveries?"

"What deliveries? Unless you know the password, I ain't saying shit."

Password? What password? That old man didn't say anything about a fucking password!