The Shadow Beside the Flower — Haokei

My name is Wong Haokei.

I’m Meilin’s best friend, but she’s not mine.

She’s the person I despise.

We first met back in primary school. She was an energetic girl, always boasting to others about her knowledge of flowers.

“Meimei! What’s this flower?”

“It’s a peony!” That girl was the most joyful girl I’ve ever seen, with such a bright mind, it’s beyond comparison. “Did you know? Peonies were traditionally used in medicine!”

“Wow! You’re going to be a great doctor in the future.” “My mama always wanted me to be a doctor.” “Can you teach me more about medicine, Meimei?”

“Hehe, I’m actually aiming to become a scientist for plants!”

“That’s amazing!”

Behind such a brilliant mind, I was cast away to the shadows, never heard, always neglected. Seeing someone like Meilin only made my heart wither in jealousy.

Even at home, I was never given attention.

“Wong Haokei, I’m going to work, you can ask me when I’m home.” “Haokei! Can’t you see I’m cooking?” “Wong Haokei, be quiet! I never wanted such a noisy child.”

That’s when I learned that no matter how loud I shouted, no matter how much I tried, my parents wouldn't listen.

To get their attention, I’d have to remove what’s in front of them.

“Mama, I’ll be cooking today.” “Such a smart and diligent child!” My mother showered me with praise ever since I took over all the household chores for her. That made me wonder, would my father react the same?

But when I tried it on my father, “Wong Haokei! What are you doing on my computer?” The only attention I was given was bruises across my body.

It hurts…Why does it hurt…

“Haokei, you should smile in front of your elders.” “Why are you crying? I never cried when I was scolded.” I never talked back or did anything wrong, but they always figured something out to discipline me.

One day, I saw Meilin’s parents greeting her after school. “Meimei, I bought a pineapple bun for you!” “Thank you, papa!” “Oh, look at our Meimei, aren’t you such a darling?”

They went home together, hand in hand.

Ouch.

It hurts…But I wasn’t hurt anywhere. Nobody hit me…so why does it hurt when I look at them? I walked home alone, pondering why my heart ached and why there wasn't a parent by my side.

One time, I joined a trivia game. I was naive, thinking that if I won, I would be able to see the smiles on their faces again.

But my opponent was Meilin. Back then, she was acknowledged as one of the smarter children, and so her team consisted of the more intelligent students. I was in the finals, but I lost to her.

“I still got second place.” I smiled, clutching the medal close to my chest. “Maybe mama will be proud of me.”

But all I was met with was a cold stare. My mother didn’t even do so much as to look at me; she just waved as if shooing off a bird. “Come to me when you’ve gotten first place.”

To make matters worse, when I tried to show my father that night, he came home reeking of alcohol. “Shut up.” He grabbed me up by my neck, almost choking me to death. “You’re nothing but noisy. Chatter, chatter, chatter. This is why I hate children, they always try to bite my ears off!”

He flung me to the ground and marched to the kitchen for another drink.

I lay flat on the floor, staring up at the ceiling for what seems like an eternity.

In primary four, my mother attended the academic awards ceremony for the first time. No matter how much I studied, the information constantly slips out of my brain. During that term, I received a perfect attendance award.

“Mak Meilin, of class 4B!” The speaker called her name for every award imaginable. Her parents clapped for every award.

My heart twisted with envy.

“Hey, Haokei, that Mak Meilin, she’s in your class, right?” My mother said to me on the road home.

“Yes, mother?”

“You should learn from her. Unlike you, she actually has some potential.”

My heart dropped. I had been accustomed to these types of judgments from my parents, but having them compare me to Meilin? That’s the breaking point. That's when I succumbed to jealousy.

To get their attention, I’d have to remove what’s in front of them, right?

Remove everything in front of them. To the point, I will be the best in their eyes. To the point, they can no longer compare me to others. To the point, all their attention will be on me.

I’d just have to remove Meilin. Then, will you look at me? Just once…please.

Now in Elysium, I met the girl who had thrived in both of her lives once again. Like a bright red flower, in the fields of white.

“You get it now?” Meilin listened carefully as I poured my heart out. “You’re not the only one who suffered. My suffering is immeasurable. Yours is nothing compared to mine! At least you had a happy childhood!”

“So you had your hardships, but that doesn’t make mine nothing.” Meilin rested her hand on my shoulder. I wish I could slap it away, but my energy was slowly draining out. “I was terrified of going to school because of the bullying.”

“And I was terrified to go home!” I rebuked, tears threatening to fall any moment.

Her face had a distant sorrow, and her soft voice carried a hint of empathy, something I thought would never come from someone like her. Empathy is something I threw away long ago. Yet, in Meilin’s eyes, empathy shone brighter than ever. She’s still better than me in the end, huh.

“I know you had a tough childhood. I would’ve lost my mind too if I were to go through something like that.” Meilin said gently, her voice calming the ripples in my heart. “But think about it. After you got others to hate me, did your life get any better? Did your parents finally give you the attention you had been wanting? Or did they find another person to compare you to?”

Did they pay attention to me? Did they?

Since then, I’ve grown distant from them. I’ve learnt to stay silent when I need to. I don't recall the last time I spoke to them.

“I don’t know.”

Had I felt bad for Meilin before? I had. I had many times. Whenever she gets bullied by my friends, I'd stare at my shoes, pretending not to hear her cries, because the guilt was too deafening to bear. They say bullies find pleasure in making others miserable, but I do not.

What was I doing back then? I had been blinded by envy, as it feasted on my emotions.

“Miss Haokei, please hand your dragon orb over to Miss Himari. As a shrine maiden, I need to ensure the procedure goes on smoothly. We’ve already used up too much time. It’s almost Mistress Mikako’s afternoon tea.” The shrine maiden who was standing in the corner spoke up. And what's that about her mistress?

Oh, that snobby kitsune.

I reluctantly handed the dragon orb over.

“Himari, are you sure?” The shorter boy with black and orange hair frowned, “You’ll end up like Haokei here.”

Uh-huh, you’ll end up as miserable as me—good thing to think twice.

“Yes, I’m sure.” The girl named Himari held the dragon orb close to her chest. The colour of her hair began to fade away, while scales started forming on her skin. “And besides,”

She turned to Meilin, wearing the brightest smile on her lips, “This is exactly what Ms Yulan would’ve done.”

During the battle, Himari wasn’t a mighty warrior like the others. The way she wielded her weapon tells me she’s an amateur. However, she spoke like a true heroine. Making the greatest sacrifice. All for her friend. Her words dazzled all of us like a spell, fluttering around the cave.

I can’t help but smile. Yet the envy still lingers, like a scar that won’t heal.

I wonder,

If jealousy hadn’t made me try to remove Meilin from the picture,

Would I've bloomed into a heroine, just like Himari?