3-2: I cannot reach him

Cloe’s Point of View

“...”

My anger and impatience were increasing every second. I felt like I needed to punch something with Kazu’s face. Right now, I have only one way to calm these feelings.

“Nom.”

Sweets, a food that destroys any trace of training and doesn’t provide any nutritional value, but at the same time, something delicious that helps to tranquilize my urges to punch something.

“Stupid Kazu…”

I stabbed the cake I was eating and carefully bit the piece attached to the fork so I could enjoy it more.

It’s true that he wasn’t able to win, but just remembering how the people describe the fight ruins every good mood I could have before. Even this delicious cake isn’t helping too much.

“...”

I took out from my pocket a bullet I always have with me. The shape was awful, making it impossible to use in any of my weapons. But, this piece of trash is like a lucky amulet for me.

“I should replenish my bullets…”

After paying, I left the place and went to the academy so I could write a letter to my distributor. In the entrance, one of the guardians stopped me and took out from a box some letters.

“From my parents?”

“Also from a guy called “Smith”.”

“I’ll read them in my room.”

“All right.”

Finally, I went to my room with all those letters. There, my roommate was studying like always, so I didn’t even try to say hello.

“Let’s see…”

I laid down on my bed and started reading the letter from Smith. He was the one who I usually pay for making bullets.

When I tried to make bullets by myself I ended up creating the thing I use as a lucky amulet. Thankfully, he can make the bullets with the shape I need even when they are something that no one else knows how to do.

“For Miss Cloe. Those things you always want me to do are almost ready. Tomorrow I will send eighty, please receive them…”

Finally, some good news! It made me so happy that I completely forgot to read the letters my parents sent me.

“I should start my practice.”

I took out from under my bed a bullet and started covering it with mana. One of the reasons why Kazu never practiced making firearms even when he’s the one who taught me is because without the correct setup they are 100% lethal. My way to make them safe is putting a tiny mana mantle on the bullets. Maybe that sounds useless, but after learning how to modify my own mana I learned that the properties can be modified with thoughts, that’s why Kazu’s strings are vulnerable to fire even when they aren’t made with flammable materials. In my case, the mantle I put in every single bullet it’s like covering them with pillows. Usually a mana creation disappears once they stop touching the user, but I discovered that I can delay it adding mass, and that mass also makes my bullets safe, so it’s perfect.

“Carefully…”

“What are you doing?”

“Ihh!”

I was so focused on my practice that the words of my roommate surprised me more than usual. It already surprised me that she said something.

“Huh…I’m just…triying to use magic on tiny objects.”

“I see.”

It’s really inconvenient, but not even my parents know about my friendship with Kazu or my actual magic speciality. I only got the courage to present him two times, and he ran away from the carriage those two times…The point is, everyone else thinks I’m…well, the kind of student you would see in the advanced class, not someone who loves challenging her childhood friend and shooting him.

“Did something happen?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, everyone else was interested during Leonard’s visit during Physical Education, but you were like…avoiding him.

“Oh…that?”

“No one else would lose the chance to learn of him.”

“Well…I was thinking of something else.”

“Something more important than him?”

“Yeah…It was…a dog.”

“...A dog?”

“...Yeah.”

I mean, Kazu is kind and active like a dog, so I’m not lying.

“What kind of dog could be more important?”

“An annoying dog, he’s always moving and instead of using his fangs for something better, he just bites rocks…”

“You can’t just ignore him?”

“I can’t, I’m the one who thought it would be fun approaching him in the first place.”

“It’s an old dog?”

“...Maybe, sometimes he acts like someone older and with more experience.”

Just people who really approach him can notice his strangely kind side. If he collides with someone that was not looking, he will be the one to apologize. If someone needs help, he could even stop his performances for helping, and if someone gets hurt by something he said, he will instantly retract, even when he was saying something totally valid. If he says something bad to a stranger, it was probably by accident.

This may sound strange, but when we have arguments and insult each other, it feels like we trust each other completely.

“Did he really do nothing else to make you think so much about him?”

“...Maybe…being better in everything…”

“Are we still talking about a dog?”

“...”

When I saw that dance embellished with fire, I understood the difference between natural talent and effort. It doesn’t matter how much I practice, he could easily surpass me if he just tries. I expel mana every single day, trying to imitate him, thinking that maybe by learning to do the things he can I could easily surpass him…But every day I noticed that is not just his body.

His ideas, his ability to take risks, his way to see the world. I hate myself even when I remember that I learned my speciality thanks to him…Sometimes I wish he was a bad person…maybe that way I could hate him and forget these feelings…

“And…why were you thinking that much about him today?”

“He just…makes me feel useless.”

After I heard about his defeat, I felt even worse about myself. If the person that surpasses me and makes me feel like trash was humiliated like that, in what position I am? How would I end up in the same situation? I know it’s not his fault, I know he was doing his best, I know he was doing it for someone else…But I can’t just turn off my feelings…I’m just as illogical as him…

“If a dog like that were always bothering me, I'd just give up and let him do his thing, maybe then he'd get bored of me.”

“I had the same idea sometimes, just accepting everything would make everything easier…”

“Then?”

“...If I accept everything and just surrender, I would feel dissatisfied…”

“I don’t understand you.”

“Thank god you don’t understand me.”

Trying to clear my mind, I left the room to continue my practice somewhere else.

“Maybe I can find an empty classroom, or-.”

“Hey, did you know? Leonard had a fight today.”

“Yeah, who was the opponent again?”

In front of a room, two students were talking about what happened today. I tried to ignore them, but it wasn’t easy.

“Why would someone challenge Leonard?”

“Maybe he wanted to die.”

“Or maybe he’s stupid.”

“...”

Ignoring them was difficult, but I managed to get away from there.

“At least now he knows…Huh?”

“What?”

“It’s just, I just felt something we-.”

I didn't look back as a huge explosion of light occurred behind me, probably temporarily blinding those two.

“Maybe that way they shut up…”

The only one allowed to talk trash about Kazu was me, so I didn’t feel like I was doing something wrong.

"I know we're both weak, but I'm not going to be the weakest…”

I know Kazu is stronger, I know Kazu is more talented, I know there’s people even better than him…I know that maybe I can’t reach that level…

But as long as I can keep trying, I won't regret it.