Kazuya Yukimura − Home (and a Broken Heart)

Kazuya couldn't believe it. As he sat on a marble bench in the palace courtyard, he stared at the sky as it turned orange with the setting sun. He couldn't stop thinking about Shirou as he had joined the others. What did he mean by it? He still had his same, expressionless face on before he walked forward. He didn't even turn to look at him or Mayumi after he walked up to join the others. It had been like his heart had stopped beating for a couple of seconds. He still remembered how he felt as his stomach dropped, seeing what choice he had made. 
He didn't even know how to feel. For the past days, his mother had been at the forefront of his min; he had remained adamant in his desire to go back because of her and how much she clearly needed her sons. And then Shirou had gone and taken his friend with him to the other side. So it was already decided that they were going to travel tomorrow morning to receive their gifts or whatever the king had said.
He thought more about Shirou's choice. What could have possibly made him choose that? Even if he could be mindless sometimes, he was never doing things without thinking about his options. What could have made him choose this world over their home? Was it everything that had happened with their father? Was it him? What could it have been?
As it started to get darker, Kazuya got off the bench and walked back indoors. He needed to get answers from Shirou. He had to know why he had decided to throw his life away.

As he made his way to the room that Shirou was staying in, he saw someone else waiting outside the door. As he got closer, he recognized Mayumi, who had sat down on the floor next to the door with her arms around her knees. As Kazuya approached, she looked up to him. He could clearly see that her eyes were red. Apparently, the other girls hadn't been able to find her as she ran out of the throne room on the verge of tears. Although it was pretty clear to him that she had gone far beyond just being on the verge of.
"How long have you been waiting for him?" asked Kazuya as he leaned against the wall. 
Mayumi sniffled again before responding quietly, "Maybe ten minutes?" 
Kazuya sighed as he turned away from her to face the windows that overlooked the kingdom. From where he stood, all the lights in the dark seemed so small. But he had walked through it. And he had seen how many people were represented by all those minuscule lights. There were so many of them, and according to the king, all those lives were on their shoulders. They were children, for god's sake. He got more annoyed the longer he looked at the outside and eventually looked down to avoid staring at it. 
Just as he was about to turn towards the door to angrily knock on it, in case Shirou had been in there all along and refused to come out, he heard Mayumi start to chuckle. He turned to her as she wiped her eyes with her sleeve again before she turned to him. 
"Do you remember when, during our last year of middle school, our homeroom teacher asked all of us to say out loud what we were looking forward to now that we were going to high school. And when he got to Shirou, he just blankly stared at him and told him he looked forward to not having to answer questions like that again?" she asked Kazuya, chuckling intermittently as she recounted her memory.
Kazuya thought for a second before he answered.
"Yeah, I remember. He got so mad that he yelled at Shirou that he was looking forward to the high school teachers finally putting some manners into him."
"Yeah," Mayumi smiled as she continued, "and do you remember what he said to that?"

Kazuya reminisced for a moment before a little smile grew on his face,
"He asked the teacher why he needed to rely on high school teachers to teach manners. And why he couldn't have taught him some manners himself."
Mayumi let out a little laugh at the memory, "I don't think he had ever said anything to him that made him as red as he had gotten on that day. And it he waited to do something until the very last day of middle school, too."
Kazuya chuckled a bit as he thought back on those times. Shirou had always been much sharper than other people gave him credit for, particularly the adults in their lives. He had worried before high school that no one besides him and Mayumi would see Shirou for who he really was. Of course, those concerns vanished once he learned that Shirou had somehow managed to have a whole group of friends at Shin Shiten.

As the two of them continued to laugh, they heard footsteps approach them. They both turned to see Shirou, now only lit by the lamps spread across the hallways. Both of them stopped laughing as he got closer, as if they had been violently pulled back into the present. He walked up to them before going up to Mayumi and offering a hand to help pull her up, which she too. After they were all standing, he met Kazuya's eyes before turning to Mayumi.
"C'mon, I know a spot where we won't be disturbed."

The two followed Shirou as they led them to a part of the palace that had not been shown to them. Eventually, he stopped outside of a what appeared to be a normal, wooden door with a lock. Kazuya watched as Shirou reached into his pocket and pulled out a key that he put into the lock before turning. The click of the loc, surprised Kazuya before Shirou pushed the door open and pulled the key out, relocking the door. He held it open for them from the inside of the room as they both walked in. Inside, they found a fairly spacious area filled with bookshelves and a desk with one chair next to it.
"What is this place?" Mayumi asked as Shirou closed the door behind them. 
"It's a little library Princess Valeria had refurbished from an old servant's quarter," he answered, "there's only one key to the room, so we can talk in here for as long as we want without any interruptions."
Mayumi and Kazuya looked at each other with shared confusion before turning back to Shirou.
"How did you get the key from her, then? Kazuya asked, worrying if his brother had stolen something from the princess.
"I asked her if she knew a spot where we wouldn't be interrupted," he answered nonchalantly, "she showed me the way here and gave me the key so we could use it tonight to... talk."

Kazuya crossed his arms, "Alright, then let's talk." As Mayumi moved to sit on top of the desk, he waited to see if Shirou would say anything for himself. After a short silence, he uncrossed his arms and placed them on his hips.
"What the hell, man?" he asked Shirou, "What did you mean when you joined the others? Were you considering giving up trying to find a way home?"
Shirou barely reacted at Kazuya's questions,
"Is that what you think I meant when I stepped forwar−"
"No, stop doing that," yelled Kazuya, interrupting Shirou.
"Can you please just stop being a smartass for one second and give a serious, honest answer?"
Shirou clenched his jaw for a second before grabbing the seat from under the desk and pulling it in front of Mayumi and Kazuya before sitting down.
"What do you want me to say to you?" asked Shirou, "Seriously? It seems like you already have a couple things you want to say, so why don't you go ahead and start?"
Kazuya pulled his hair back in frustration before sighing.
"Fine," he said, "I'll go first, then. Do you not care about mom at all? Do you not care that at this very moment, she's probably worried to death about us and overexerting herself to try and find us? Do you not care about her at all?"
"Of course I care about her," Shirou responded, barely moving a muscle.
Kazuya scoffed before he continued, "Then why do you want to leave her behind. Why did you choose to stay here over going back with me? Do you actually prefer this being in this place over being with you own family?"

"Can you blame me?" Shirou asked, raising his voice. Kazuya was a bit taken aback by it. He had never really heard Shirou raise his voice, and it was off-putting how he raised it while keeping his face mostly expressionless. 
"I'm glad you seem to find such comfort in the idea of family, but do you know what that word makes me think of?"
Before he could even respond, Shirou continued, 
"It reminds me of my dad, who made it very clear to me as a little kid that he thought I was a waste of space and worthless. That I had no future worth in store for me, and that I was basically just another mouth to feed. 
It reminds me of my mom, who did nothing to protect me, her own son, while she stepped in every single time to make sure he didn't go too hard on my brother, the son that actually mattered.
And then there's my brother, my twin brother, who was so afraid to even talk to me and disappoint daddy because he was wasting his time talking to the family failure instead of practicing to get better at goddamn baseball!" Although it hadn't started like it, by the time Shirou was done talking, he had started yelling back at Kazuya, his face even showing anger as he was talking. 

"That's what family is to me, a constant reminder that I was unloved and unwanted. That I was less than everyone else. So to answer your question, yes, I'd rather be here than go back if it meant I would finally stop being tormented by all these thoughts and memories about my family, brother." Shirou said brother with such venom that Kazuya thought Shirou was about to keep going and tear deeper into him, but he didn't. He stopped, as if he was waiting to hear what Kazuya was gonna say.
"Do you really hate me and Mom that much?" he asked, "Dad was treating all of us horribly. And I'm sorry if you hate me so much because I was also scared to go against him. But how could you hold that against mom, when she fought so hard to get him out of the house for us?"

Shirou scoffed as Kazuya finished speaking, "I don't hate you or mom. And I'm grateful that she got that monster out of her house.
But when she started to immediately try and just act like my mom again after years of doing nothing to protect me... Do you have any idea what that felt like? It was like I was just supposed to ignore being abandoned by my own mom so that we could just go back to being a happy family and act like none of it ever happened. Should I just go on and act like my memory of her agreeing with dad that I was a lost cause wasn't burned into my mind."
Kazuya was lost for words; he didn't know what to say.
"Or when my own brother, who I still remember so clearly, agreeing with dad that he didn't want to end up like me. What was I supposed to do when he started treating me like a normal brother again after all that? Just forget that any of that ever happened?"
Kazuya felt a wave of dread wash over him as he realized what Shirou was talking about. That day, five years ago, when he had been subjected to the worst conversation he had ever had with his father, before realizing that Shirou wasn't home and had gone out to find him. He had always been so confused as to why Shirou talked about running away with Mayumi when he finally found him at the park. It was because he had heard them.
Kazuya gulped as he asked the dreaded question, "You heard us? All this time, that was why you wanted to run away? Because you knew what we said?"

Shirou paused for a second before he exhaled out of his nose, "Of course you heard our conversation. No wonder you told me you loved me when I came back home." He leaned back into his chair, his stoic expression cracking as his eyes started to well up. As he turned back to face Kazuya, for the first time that he could remember, Shirou glared at him,
"Did you just say that to me so I wouldn't regret staying?", his voice starting to shake a bit.
"No, of course not," Kazuya quickly replied, "I just... I didn't want to lose you."
"Right," Shirou continued as he turned away from Kazuya, "because it's only ever been about you , right? You couldn't bear to lose your brother just like you couldn't bear dad's disappointment."
"That's too far," Mayumi interjected, "he was a little kid, Shirou. You can't blame him for that."
Shirou stopped talking as he stared at Kazuya, whose voice seemed to get shakier and shakier the longer they talked.
"Was he also just a little kid in high school, too?" Shirou asked, "Was he just a little kid when he was so distracted by being the best little baseball player at school that he unknowingly let the guy who had been bullying me and treating me like shit for months into his little circle of popular friends?"
Mayumi didn't have anything to say. Kazuya leaned back against a wall before sliding down until he sat down on the stone floor.
"I said I was sorry," Kazuya replied, his voice shaking, "If I had known it was happening, I wouldn't have stopped it. I just..."
"You didn't notice," Shirou said, finishing his thought. Kazumi stared down at his feet before he asked his last question.

"So is that why you're staying behind?" he asked, barely able to keep his words steady, "because you hate me so much you don't want to see me or mom ever again?"
Shirou sighed before he leaned back into his chair.
"Of course I don't hate you," he answered him, "You're my brother. I'll always love you."
Kazuya stood up and walked up to Shirou, 
"Then help us look for a way back," Kazuya asked him, only barely sounding like he wasn't begging, "We can work together to fix this, together. We could be the family you needed. I could be the brother you deserved."
Shirou leaned forward and put his face into his hands before giving his answer, "I can't. I just... I can't go back with you."
"Why not?" Kazuya yelled at him, on the verge of tears, "Just let me make up for the mistakes I've made. Please."
Shirou got up from the chair as he paced in front of the door,
"You still don't get it. You're not the one who has to make up for his mistakes."
Kazuya, now more confused than sad, asked, "What are you talking about?"

Shirou stopped  moving in front of the door and turned away from Kazuya and Mayumi. For a moment, the two weren't sure if he was gonna answer. Before either could say anything, they both heard him make noise, as he started sniffling and turned back around to them.
"Because I'm the one who made all the mistakes. It's all my fault."
Kazuya stood stunned for a second before he said anything.
"No. No, you were right. It was selfish of me to expect you to act like you hadn't suffered worse under dad, just like it was being selfish that stopped me from seeing that you were being bullied and−"
"Yeah, except none of that would have caused any problems if I had just run away that day," Shirou said, interrupting Kazuya, "If I just had the courage to sacrifice my feelings and happiness for you, then none of that would have happened."  
'What are you saying?" asked Mayumi, "Choosing to go back how instead of running from your problems was one of the bravest thing's I've ever seen you do."
"Sure," added Shirou, "If you ignore the fact that my my so called bravery was as much fueled by my cowardice and inability to let go any semblance of love I was given from mom and Kazuya. 
If i had just stuck through it and let you be free of me, then dad wouldn't have had to worry about you wasting your time and you wouldn't have to have concerned yourself with the fact that I was being bullied at school. None of the horrible things that happened to you or me would have happened if I hadn't been in your life or mom's."
Kazuya didn't know what to say. The more he desperately wanted to say that his brother was wrong, the more he could feel himself losing control over his emotions.
"Face it, man," Shirou said calmly, "You should just leave me behind in this place. You're better off without me."

"What do you mean?" asked Mayumi as he walked up to Shirou, "How could you say that to us? We both care so much about you. How could you possibly think that?"
"BECAUSE EVERYONE I CARE ABOUT ENDS UP WORSE OFF BECAUSE I WAS IN THEIR LIVES!" he screamed at Kazuya and Mayumi,
"Because everyone who has a bright future who gives me a chance ends up suffering because they care about me.
If I had just run on that day, when I overheard Dad berating you and mom, maybe you could have just forgotten about me and not had to live in fear of Dad watching over you constantly because you cared about me too much let me feel like I was completely alone.
Because if it wasn't for me, then Tommy wouldn't have had to defend me constantly at school from all the bullies. Which means he wouldn't have been in the situation he was in a couple days ago, where even though he acted in defense, he'll still gonna get expelled." He paused for a second as his eyes welled up before he turned to Mayumi,
"Because if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't feel anchored to who I am and who you used to be when we first met. And maybe, if I wasn't there, you could finally let go of your feelings and put your everything into chasing your dreams."
Mayumi stared at Shirou, stunned, as tears started to roll down his face.
"You knew?" asked Mayumi as she slowly walked closer to Shirou, "You knew all along and didn't say anything? Why?"
Shirou wiped his face with his hands before he turned to look at Mayumi.
"Of course I knew," he responded, sounding calmer now, "I've been with you almost every day for half a decade. No matter how much you changed, you were still Mayumi. Of course I knew how you felt about me. Cus I felt the same"
Mayumi got closer to Shirou, and she gently put her hands around his face, tears starting to come out of her eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me if you felt the same way? All this time, I was worried that you wouldn't... that you wouldn't love the person I had become. Why didn't you tell me?"

Shirou tried to give her a smile as he tried to stop his tears, "Because unlike me, you were able to change for the better. You were so amazing when you were on stage or behind a camera. It was like catching glimpses of a miracle in progress.
But I saw how much time you spent caring about me. Worrying about me when you should have been focusing on yourself."
"No," Mayumi said as she held onto Shirou, "No, I love you, Shirou. You're not holding me back; you're the one who helps push me forward."
Shirou's face, now just as messy and with a genuinely sorrowful expression, slowly shook his head.
"That's the problem with love. It makes us blind to the worst parts of the people we love." He turned to look at Kazuya before turning back to Mayumi.
"You saw my cowardice the day we met and mistook it for courage. And since then, you've still managed to become an incredible and confident person in your own right. While I've stayed the same as that scared kid I was all those years ago, still holding you down," Shirou choked up on that last part before he continued. 
"Every day, I saw you concern yourself over me instead of spending that time on yourself. I couldn't stand to watch you waste your efforts on me. But the more I tried to seem like I was getting worse, the more you tried to help me. Your heart is just too big and kind for someone like me. I don't deserve it or you."

Shirou stood up and slowly walked away from Mayumi, "You both have such bright futures ahead of you. And I'm sorry I held you both back for so many years." As he put his hand on the doorframe, he turned to Kazuya, "Find a way back home. And tell mom... I'm so sorry for everything I put her through."

Before Kazuya or Mayumi could react, Shirou used one swift motion to open the door and squeeze through before quickly closing it again. Before they could fully comprehend what had happened, he had already left the room. As soon as they registered what had just happened, Kazuya ran to the door and pulled it open before running out into the hallway. He looked all around them, trying to catch a glimpse of anything that could give away what direction he ran, but it was too dark and the lamps were too dim to give him anything reliable to work with. As he realized how pointless it was to look for him that night, he heard noises coming from the Princess's study. He saw Mayumi, kneeling on the floor as she sobbed into her hands. Both of them returned to their rooms that night, heartbroken, not just because they felt like they may have lost someone they loved, but because they had failed to convince Shirou that he wasn't as broken and worthless as he thought. That he deserved a chance at happiness and fulfillment, just like he said they did.