Chapter Thirty-Four

I sat on the couch for some time, trying to figure out what I should do. The silence that arrived when Nina left was paralyzing and offered no help in my predicament. I felt the pit in my stomach whenever my thoughts drifted towards lying down. I saw the flashes in my head, showing me what awaited when I closed my eyes. I felt the cold returning, reaching out from every direction, trying to push me down onto the couch. I put my arms around myself, in order to stop the last embers of warmth from leaving me alone. But right as I closed my eyes in frustration, a thought appeared and bounced around my head.

I never thought about the dynamic of my head and my body. Although it was strange to watch it move on its own, it never felt wrong. It understood my words, it could process emotions and make decisions based on what was happening around it. By all accounts, it was another person. In turn, the only thing I lost when I’m disconnected with it was the sensation of my body. I remember understanding what it might be feeling, but its experiences were different than mine. I wanted to know more about it and see what other things it was capable of doing. I raised my hands to my head and popped it off, waiting to see what my body would do next.

After a few seconds of motionless, my body shook once and lowered my head to its neck, turning me to face it. I stared at it before giving her a little smile. My body reacted by hugging me, placing me closer to her and swaying side to side. I didn’t know what to do. This was all normal, but being held in front of my body as it moved on its own put a pause on the plans I made.

“Hello,” I said to it, hesitating. My body moved my head to one arm, using the other to wave back at me. “You listen, move, act. How?” My body shrugged without a second thought, moving my head back to its neck. “Silent, but happy. Strange.” My body couldn’t contain its excitement and stood up, walking around and twirling, always making sure I was facing it. It returned to the couch and hugged me again before sitting back down.

I couldn’t feel the warmth in my body while I was separated from it, but I knew I was feeling something similar in my head. My face reddened as I watched my body pour all of its attention to me. From my point of view, I could see how strong it was. Its movements were confident and deliberate. It didn’t hesitate to make a decision if it need it to. It was able to keep up with Nina and react to dangers all around us. It was hard to believe that this was a part of me, that everything it did was something I could do as well. I smiled at that thought and wondered if I should share it with my body as well.

I turned back to my body, its twitches waiting for me to say something else. I thought about sleeping, wondering if it was really okay to do so. I shook my head at the images that appeared to me again. They were blurrier than before, but the voice stuck to me, ignorant of the erosion of time. My body picked up my head before I could turn to it. It moved the same way that Nina did when I needed her to be near me.

“What?” I said, trying to smile. “Sense something?” My body nodded my head for me, causing me to laugh. She pointed to my eyes, then down. I stopped and looked away. My body moved my head again, catching my darting eyes before they could look somewhere else. She wagged her finger, and I felt its nonexistent smile and laugh. I turned back to it, leaving myself under her control.

“Scary,” I said, with a hesitant smile. “You can feel. Don’t want fear. Don’t want worry.” My body held me close, not letting me finish the rest of my sentence. It was a different sensation than that of Nina. It wasn’t the patient voice that caressed my heart, but a firm pushing. I wanted to push back. It didn’t feel comfortable. It forced me to look at the images and listen to the voice I tried to run away from all day. But I looked at my body. I felt what it was trying to tell me. It wasn’t trying to hurt me, but it wanted me to see what it thought I needed to see. I shook my head, closing my eyes, wanting to stay away. But my body held on, the firmness of her grip melting into the familiar feeling I was so used to with Nina.

“Strange. Only body. Feels like Nina,” I said to it. My body nodded my head, before shifting to a thumbs up. She pointed again to my eyes, and then back down. This time however, fear wasn’t the only thing that greeted me when I closed my eyes. I looked at my body and felt how it watched over me. I didn’t want to say it out loud. I thought it was pointless to try and leave my mental sanity with a dead body. But once again, my body moved faster than I could think. It pointed to my mouth and made the motion of talking with her hands. It didn’t let me turn away or think about something else. I stared back and closed my eyes.

“Body will protect,” I said as it nodded my head. “Body will watch over. Body lives, so I live.” I watched my body try to sit still, knowing that excitement was normal, but not appropriate now. I smiled and closed my eyes. “Sleep. Like this. Hold me. Keep me safe.” My body’s movements calmed, and it rested me on its lap, one arm holding me in place, and one hand on my head, caressing my hair until it could feel that I was away to face the hours of sleep ahead of me.