Chapter Forty-Six

I gasped as I shook my head, looking around me once again. The room was still dark, and I could feel the cold around me. I didn’t see Dawn nor hear her voice. Tears started falling as I stood up and started to walk. My footsteps were heavy and uneven, echoing in the room around me. I felt cold again. I felt fear again. I felt undeserving again. I wanted to lie down and wait for the feelings to go away. I wanted to forget them, to let them come find me some other time. I wanted this world to punish me for all that I did to Dawn. But there was something else this time. There was a force deep inside me that kept me standing. It pushed back against the feeling of crumbling down and turning a blind eye to the thoughts that always found me. It took control of me as I tried to fight it. It pushed me forward, taking to those heavy steps and walking me to a red door at the end of a small passage.

It stopped me the moment I faced it. I could see it even in the dark. I stood there, looking at it and watching it look back. My hands were trembling, not with fear, but with eagerness. I knew what my body was telling me, but I didn’t want to say it out loud. Those haunted thoughts muffled me, knowing that I would give up and accept what they knew was true. But I felt that force again. It didn’t make me do anything except remind me that it was there. It transformed into the warmth I missed, trying to fight the cold around me. The words were difficult to find, but I knew I could say them. I knew who I could turn to when I felt alone. I knew who I could talk to when the voices grew loud. I knew who I could trust when the ghosts of the past appeared to drag me with them. And it was up to me to say that name. I extended my arm to the door, took one step forward, and spoke the word that would help end this nightmare.

“Nina.”

At that moment, the door opened, and the lights shone above me. Nina walked out with a smile, stretching and enjoying the start of a new day. She saw me standing and headed towards me before stopping after seeing the expression on my face. She changed pace and was soon in front of me, holding my hands.

“What’s wrong?” she said, concern overtaking her happiness. “Don’t tell me…”

“Nightmare,” I said, looking down. Nina embraced me, holding me tight as she caressed my hair. I could feel my tears falling as I hugged her back. I knew I had to say something. I knew that this was my chance to start believing every single thing that Nina told me. “Nightmare, but different. Terrifying. Unavoidable. Haunting. But not permanent.” Nina let go and looked into my eyes.

“Yes, it’s over now,” she said. “And you don’t have to think about it–”

“Will continue. Won’t let it. Fear, here. But strength, bigger.” Nina watched me, confusion in her eyes. “Think of you. No longer scary. See your face. Can’t see Dawn. Hear your voice. Can’t hear Dawn. Call to you. Always here. See it now.” I could see Nina’s smile grow, hearing my words. I smiled back as I continued. “Nightmare, returns. Strong. Reminder. Undeserving. But Nina…” The little jump I was accustomed to from her traveled throughout my body. “Nina, stronger. Good beyond measure. Bad person, undeserving.” My voice was shaking, struggling to say the words we both wanted to hear out loud. “Best friend Nina. Can’t be bad person.” I held on to Nina, my hands using enough force to make me tremble. “Me…deserving, of good.” Nina’s tears fell onto me as she went in for the hug again.

“You believe me now!” she said in between sobs. “You get it now! You–” her words were drowned out by the sobs, both hers and mine.

“Lots of work. Might regress. But trust. Hold me together. Like Nina.” She squeezed hard not paying attention to the force she was using. It wasn’t until she heard five pops that she opened her eyes and saw what was in front of her. My torso was in her hands while my head, arms, and legs were scattered around her. She gasped and fell to the floor, laughing and placing her head in my chest. I joined her laugh as my limbs crawled back into place, continuing the hug for as long as it needed to be.