Chapter Forty-Seven

We sat on the couch together, like all those times before. This time however, we both felt the excitement surrounding us. Nina would look at me and then away, and I would copy her movements. There were small laughs in between the silence, followed by longer laughs at what we just did. I carried my newfound bravery and turned towards Nina, forcing my eyes to stay on her.

“Doing today?” I asked.

“Well, we did talk about finally understanding what love is,” she said, trying to look away. “But every time I think about it, I freeze up and think about something else. Are you really sure that we can do this?”

“Difficult to understand. Not difficult, to try.” I tried my best to prepare myself, not knowing what I would say or feel as we started. There was something inside of me that was trying to break its way out. It was an unfamiliar feeling, but I knew that it wasn’t something to be afraid of. “You, ready?” I asked looking at Nina one more time. I saw the trembling on her fists and the reddening of her face. She turned to me, meeting my eyes.

“Ready, let’s start.”

“Love. Many kinds. No experience. Only seen. Always wanted.”

“There are many kinds of love? I didn’t think it’d start this complicated!”

“No problem. Different kinds. Different feelings. Same idea.” Nina put her hand on her head and took a deep breath.

“Okay, I can do this. Let’s continue.”

“One kind. Born from mother. Unconditional. Instinctual. Mother protects. Child grows. Exclusive to mothers.” I felt Nina shuffle in her seat and see her smile start to fade away. I held her hand, trying to bring her back. “Remember words. ‘Love. Many kinds. No experience.” Nina’s eyes shifted to a familiar sensation. I responded with a smile. “Explain later.”

“Another kind. Strangers. No connection. Laughter. Teasing. Do things, for each other. Be there, for each other. No reward. Friends.”

“So, friends do love each other! And did you say that friends tease each other?!” The excitement in her voice caught me off guard.

“Enjoy talking, to me. Second feeling. Love between friends.” Nina’s eyes widened, her smile matching the width before turning away.

“That feeling has only gotten stronger the more I spend time with you. I feel it when we laugh and talk together, when we listen to each other, when tease each other, and…” she paused. “And when I see you smile.” I felt a flush of warmth flow through my face.

“Love, both ways,” I said as I tried to make eye contact again. “See you smile. See you laugh. See you happy. Makes me happy.” Nina laughed at those words while covering her mouth.

“I’m feeling incredible right now. As if all of my troubles are floating away, and in their place is a happy zombie, keeping me safe from them.” It was my turn to laugh at her words. “Love between friends. This is what it feels like.” Nina looked down as she rested her hands on her legs. “Hearing you say this, makes me think about what I would’ve been like if you hadn’t woken up here. Now that I know what this feeling is, and how much it bounces around me all the time when I’m with you, I don’t think I’d be able to live without it. It’s special, this feeling of love.” She looked at me again. “But there are times when I feel something else too. I heard you describe the love between friends, and I understand it. I know what it feels like. So, what’s this other feeling? Is that love too? What kind is it?”

I felt the redness on my face spread further. I knew it was going to head in that direction sooner or later. There was a part of me that wanted to avoid it, to believe that she wouldn’t ask about it. But there was another me that hoped she did. There was a part of me that couldn’t wait to explain what that third feeling was, and in the end, it was the one who delivered its words to my head.

“Another kind,” I said, voice trembling. Nina could hear the change and gulped down the knot in her throat.

“It’s not a bad kind of love, is it?” she asked, her innocence grabbing ahold of my heart.

“No such thing. Love, pure. Another kind.” I paused again.

“You’re taking too long!” Nina said with a laugh. “Just tell me!”

“Like friends. Strangers. Teasing. Laughing. Talking. Crying. Together. But time spent together. Notice little things. Enjoy little things. Like, how they laugh. Like, how they talk. Like, how they tease. Like, how they move. Like, how they look.”

“How they look? What does that have to do with anything?” The moment hit me as if I wasn’t expecting it. I had no problem thinking about how I thought Nina was pretty. But I don’t think I could tell her out loud, while she looks into my eyes.

“Remember, flowers?” I asked, turning away. “Looked incredible.”

“Of course I remember them,” she said with a smile. “Being surrounded by such a dark and colorless world, I’d say they were more than incredible. They were beautiful.” I turned my head towards Nina, fighting every urge to keep looking away. My chest was fighting against my heart, trying to contain it from bursting out.

“Your face, like those flowers.” Nina’s face exploded with red, as I watched all the air exit her lungs. She put her hand on heart, trying to do the same thing my chest was doing.

She couldn’t say anything. She held on to her legs as she looked down to them. I could see her rapid breaths, trying to understand what I told her. I wanted to stop. I felt as if I couldn’t continue myself. But the part of me that wanted to continue explaining it won over me again.

“Third feeling. Love. Romantic,” I said with a trembling, but confident voice. Nina stayed quiet for a few seconds.

“Romantic,” Nina repeated, her own voice struggling to say it. “It’s similar, but there’s something else, isn’t there? When you said I was like those flowers, you weren’t just saying nice things. You were saying something else. And that’s what that third feeling is.” I nodded, unable to form any other words. “That’s what I’m feeling right now. It’s not just the enjoyment of talking to you. It’s not just the feeling of love between friends. It’s the feeling of wanting to be with you, and doing everything together, forever.” I watched let my heart talk for me.

“Romantic, shown different ways. Do different things.”

“That makes sense. I just shared with you what I was feeling.”

“Other things. Small actions. Big meaning.”

“Such as?” I made sure to look at Nina, who wanted me to say everything I was thinking.

“Hold hands.”

“But we already do that.”

“Give hugs.”

“We already do that too.”

“Face each other.” My breaths were fast, trying to outpace my heart. “Kiss.”

“Kiss?” Nina stopped and looked back at me. “What is that?” My heart was screaming at me. My brain was frazzled and filled with sparks. I took Nina’s hand and held it tight.

“Face each other.” I looked into Nina’s eyes.

“Get closer.” I saw as she looked into mine.

“And.”

I pressed my lips against hers, letting the warmth of body reach mine. I couldn’t see what she was doing, but I knew that she didn’t want to stop. Her face relaxed, and she tilted her head, letting the natural movements of her body take over. I had felt the warmth in my own body grow the more time I spent with Nina, but this was the first time I felt hers within me. It was different than mine. It was active, and at times fierce, but it would calm down, and dance with the sparks inside of me. I felt her heartbeat, in sync with mine as the thoughts and images of our time together flew around me, holding me tight. And I felt Nina, the person who felt what I felt, the person who knew what love was, the person who I wanted to never let me go.

I tried to stop, but my body didn’t. I knew I had to stop, but it took everything I had to let go. I saw Nina’s face follow me, before leaning away after she saw what I was doing. We didn’t look away. We didn’t fidget. We didn’t feel the trembling of people unsure of what to do. We saw each other, knowing exactly what the other was thinking.

“I…love...you,” I whispered, my face still close to hers. Those words cracked her silent confidence as she let out a small laugh.

“Those words, they’re special, aren’t they?” she whispered back. I nodded, waiting for her to say it. She fixed the cracks and looked straight into me as I watched her lips move, forming the words I wanted to hear.

“I love you.”

The explosion inside my chest pushed me into her, and I held her tight, unable to feel anything but pure joy. Nina laughed as she held on to me, matching my strength.

“I can’t believe this! I really can’t believe this! I want to feel like this all the time!” she screamed. “Please! Please tell me that I get to feel like this. Please tell me that this is what love is! Please tell me that I get feel all of this with you!”

“Love!” I screamed, alongside her. “Feeling, forever! Every time! Look into eyes! Say those words! Hold each other! Kiss each other!” I saw Nina stomping her feet, trying to find all different ways she could express how she felt. She stood up, taking me with her, and spun me around. She didn’t care that she was knocking things to the ground. She knew that the only thing that mattered was what was in front of her at this exact moment.

She let me go but reached for my hand without hesitation. She held onto my shoulder and pulled me into her room. Though the joy we felt in the other roomed joined us, we felt the silence around us start to make its way inside us. Nina stared at me, as she held onto both my hands.

“I felt that third feeling when I first brought you in here,” she said. “I wanted to see if it still felt strange.”

“Does it?” I asked, unsure of what to think being in here.

“I’m not sure.” She let out a small laugh. “It’s still there, and it feels close to what I was feeling out there, but…it’s different. It’s like there’s something else, something that we aren’t ready for.” I recognized what she was saying, and my face revealed my hand to Nina. “You know what it is! Can you tell me? Is it really a part of this kind of love?”

“Can’t tell,” I said, shaking my head with quick motions. “Like you said. Not ready.”

“Not even a little hint?”

“My world. Lots of things. Unknown. Need to learn. With time.” I regained my composure and smiled. “Be natural. No rush. Feel better.” Nina smiled back, the enthusiasm that left her finding its way back.

“So long as I get to share it with you, I don’t mind waiting at all.”