My Disguise

“Disappear from our sight. You’re not enough for us! Go jump off the cliff – you may find people like you down there!”

At just six years old, those were the words little Raf took head-on. From kids he thought were his friends, he received them and was pierced by the harsh reality of the world he lived in. At just six years old, he became aware that… he would never be enough. Never. He understood these words perfectly. He knew what it meant to jump off a cliff : death.

Being a kid was harder than people thought. Always placed in the center, basking in the proud feeling of standing on the podium of life, unaware of the true nature of the world around them. But arriving too quickly at the top and growing overconfident meant the fall would strike harder, hurt more, and leave a deeper mark on a child’s mind than on anyone else’s.

Scars of the mind shape the form of an unfinished being. This kid could quickly fade behind those eyes – the ones that saw and endured everything, the ones that, drenched in tears, burned and left an irreparable mark.

At just six years old, Raf was hurt. His heart was bleeding and his eyes poured tears, flooding the floor. He had no one else, and the people he trusted were gone – their shadows leaving the ground where he had collapsed. They were going where he couldn’t be, where he wasn’t allowed to be.

To be? Who was he? Nobody. Nobody was there anymore. The one he thought he was, in reality, was not.

From that day on, his ordeal began. Alone, sad, desperate, he cried in his corner, watching through the school windows as his so-called friends played with others, but not with him.

Nobody approached him. Rumors spread about him. Seeing an isolated, crying kid repulsed the others, and the adults did nothing, pretending nothing was happening.

Raf tried to hide the hard truth he felt deep inside from his parents, and for years he tried to endure the pain. But enduring it without finding a remedy only made it grow, staining his mind black. And soon… the tears weren’t just bittersweet. They became a refuge, a way of letting everything out, hidden from judging eyes. They were not tears for pity. They were tears for Raf himself, to reflect on everything.

For years, he tried to change, tried to do other things, but nothing worked. Each attempt only sent him further into despair. If life was meant to be lived by walking over a lake of petrol, Raf was already sinking in, with no way of resurfacing. But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

One day, when he was fifteen and still eaten alive by the malaise within him, he walked home without paying attention to where he was going.

He turned into a dark alley, one he had never noticed before. The stench of trash wrinkled his nose, and he raised his gaze from the ground. In front of him stood a strange, small shop. No name on the storefront – just a sign on the door that said "Welcome".

Despite all the signs telling Raf not to enter – the pestilential odor, the dark obscurity, the strange shop hidden in the middle of nowhere – a strange force pushed him toward the door. He grabbed the handle and opened it. A small bell rang with a soothing sound as he crossed the threshold, his sight overwhelmed by what was inside.

Divination orbs, watches, incense, different kinds of teas, ceremonial staffs – everything around him filled his vision, and all he could do was stare as the smell of cinnamon reached him.

“Oh, a client! It’s been so long – I thought my efforts to keep this shop open would lead to nothing. What are you here for?”

Raf looked at the old, bald, small, thin man with a long gray beard, dressed in a toga. He was holding a cup of tea – the source of the cinnamon scent.

The shopkeeper scrutinized him. Raf was speechless, wringing his hands in stress. It had been so long since he had truly talked to someone that he no longer knew how to do so.

“Let me guess. Sadness, fear, sorrow, and loneliness. You’re suffering, right? I have something great for you!”

Raf just stood at the entrance, taken aback by how easily the man exposed everything he felt. The shopkeeper quickly disappeared into the back room behind a large desk cluttered with documents, ink, and papers covered in strange drawings.

He returned in a rush, holding a strange piece of paper in one hand and a bag of cookies in the other.

“Well take this. It’s a rare talisman I made, and I guarantee it works. From your skeptical look, you don’t believe me, right? I know the truth can be hard to digest, but there is a little spark of magic in this world. This talisman – put it on your forehead. Only you will see it. No one else will. Keep it there, absolutely. It’ll help you with your struggles – or at least hide them. Try it in front of your mirror when you get home and see for yourself. But don’t forget – if it falls, the effects will disappear until you put it back!” The shopkeeper explained as he caught his breath.

He handed the talisman and the cookies to Raf and opened the door for him.

“It’s free. The cookies too. Take them and go. I know what it’s like to feel as you do, so be sure to use this talisman well. Farewell, young man!” He said, giving Raf a gentle push outside.

The bell rang, and its sound echoed in the dark alley. Raf turned back to face the shop – but it had vanished. There was only trash. No sign of the shop that had been there seconds ago.

“I still have the cookies and the talisman… so it wasn’t a hallucination. What happened? Is it really magic? I’m not surprised by anything now… Is it really worth it? Could it really work…? I couldn’t even find the words to speak to that man… and a simple talisman could resolve everything?”

Raf looked intently at the talisman in his hand. A simple rectangular piece of paper with strange symbols on it – so fragile he was careful not to wrinkle it.

Back home, he stood in front of the mirror in his bedroom and lifted the black hair falling over his forehead.

He placed the talisman along the entire length of it. The paper stuck as if by magic. He stared at himself in the mirror.

“What… why is my reflection showing a smile and a happy face…? This is not me… this… this is hiding how I feel inside from other people…” He whispered, slowly caressing the talisman on his forehead.

He passed his hands on his face while still looking at himself. When he touched the smiling face he saw in the mirror, he felt that his real mouth was not smiling – just wide open.

“So it’s only like this… I see… It’s supposed to be a shell… for me to use in public.”

Raf removed the talisman for the night and went to sleep, sadness tearing his face.

A few months later, Raf had started high school. With the help of the talisman and the practice he did in his bedroom, he managed to talk to people and not repulse them with his sadness, depression, and loneliness. He built enough confidence to speak to them – about his hobbies, the music he liked, the only things that had mattered to him before.

At the end of his last class of the day, he walked through town with his new friends.

“Oh Raf, did you see the episode yesterday? It was so good – with the lasers and the aliens! I know Luna liked it. She couldn’t talk about anything else this morning!” One of his friends said, a wide smile on his face.

“Oh, you should have seen how excited I was to see this episode! And you, Raf?” The only girl in the group, Luna, asked happily as she turned to him.

They all stopped in front of a bakery, his two friends facing him. Raf had a big smile on his face and his eyes shone with joy. The talisman worked really well.

“Well, I couldn’t watch it yesterday, haha. Too much homework. But I’ll try to–”

Suddenly, the talisman came off his forehead and fell to the ground, floating gently on the air currents before settling on the pavement.

His smile and bright eyes faded into a face twisted with fear and stress. As he noticed the talisman falling, tears began streaming down his face.

“No… NO! They shouldn’t see me like this...I… I have to run away from here…”

Without hesitation, he picked up the talisman and, without looking back at his friends, ran away.

“I’m horrible…I’m not supposed to show myself like this… Why did it fall now? Do I do everything wrong…? What will they think of me now…? It’s over… I messed everything up… I’m the worst.” He thought as he ran as fast as he could, tears fleeing his eyes.

His two friends were left speechless. They had just seen their friend cry and pick something up from the ground without understanding anything. Their faces saddened as they walked home in silence. Only Luna’s whispers echoed in the wind, not loud enough for her friend to hear.

“No matter how you feel, I can't leave you... not when you look so much like me, Raf...”