Holding tears [ Log 1 ]

Elsa

I watched Sol carry Li to her room, and part of me wanted to follow them, but I knew I couldn't. Not yet. I lit another cigarette, and after a moment of hesitation, stood up and walked over to Kai’s room. I knocked on the door and, without waiting, opened it. She was sitting on her bed with an old-fashioned paper book in her hands. As she saw me, she pulled the duvet up, trying to cover herself.

“El…”

She closed her book and I stepped inside, and the door closed behind me. I leaned against it, taking another drag from my cigarette.

“Kai…”

She pulled her legs under her chin, making me space to sit, but I hesitated to be so close to her, with only the duvet and the empty void separating us.

“Sit down, I won’t run”

I frowned at her words and then instantly regretted it as she looked down, her sunglasses gone, preventing her from hiding her feelings. I sat down on the edge of the bed. What had I expected coming here? How could I even forgive her for what she had done to Li? But I knew I couldn’t let her stay onboard without clearing the air between us, and I had no heart to throw her out, even if she deserved it.

“I am sorry, El, I fucked up...”

I braced myself for the fight and the tears, but nothing prepared me for her arms wrapping around me, pulling me to her.

“Wait, Kai… Li…”

She let go of me and leaned back as tears filled her eyes. I looked down, holding my tears.

“She asked me if I would stay…”

I took another drag and blew smoke into the air. Had Li kept her at a distance for my sake, waiting for me to make the first step? I reached out to her, and she burst into tears and wrapped her arms around me once again. I couldn’t hold my tears any longer and pressed my wet cheek against hers as I held her close, not wanting to lose her again.